A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I've been with my girlfriend for a while now. I truly am in love with her and she says she's in love with me. Not too long ago, she told me that she had anal sex with two other guys. she only tried it though, she didn't do it over and over. this hurts me because I've always wanted to try it with someone special, and because two other people got somewhere I never have with her. I asked her if I could try it on her. she told me no because she did not like it. I tried everything to convince her such as telling her I will make it good and trying to reassure her that she can trust me with it. she kept blowing me off, so I gave up for a while. later on, I brought it up and she told me that she wanted to ask me one time while we were having sex, and she gave consideration all on her own. that made me feel great but she still decided she won't let me do it.I then told her how it made feel. I told her that because she let her past boyfriends try it, but not me, that it makes me feel like I dont have her entirely. It makes me feel like they've known her in a way I could never, and it kills me. she doesn't care about how I feel and she kept saying "I dont do what I dont want."I then told her that anal sex should be performed with someone you love, and someone you trust. she said, "yeah I trusted me ex but I still didnt like it." it makes me feel so bad knowing that she's done it before with two other people, but won't give me a chance. She told me before that she loved me more than any of her ex's and that she feels more comfortable with me. How can she say that, if she gave them a chance but not me? I know I can make it feel good for her, but she hasnt even given it a shot with me and she even threatens to leave me for bringing up the subject.My questions are: does she love me like she says? was there something she had with her ex's that she doesnt have with me? how can I convince her to at least let me try? and should I be upset that she won't give me the chance that I believe I deserve, when she gave it to two others? Please, these thoughts are killing me inside and I have no idea what I should do.
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anal sex, her ex, her past Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): I tried anal with an ex boyfriend and I absoloutly hated it. Never in a million years will I tell future partners that I have had anal sex before after reading your post in case they have they same 'oh he had a go at it so I should, by god given right, be allowed to have a go at it as well'. I would dump anyone in a heart beat that acted like you are. Your girlfriend must REALLy like you to put up with it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): YOU have absoloutly NO RIGHT to feel upset. She told you about past experiances as a way of telling you she DOESNT LIKE IT. A cock in the arse is a cock in the arse no matter who is putting it there. Some girls get off on it and obviously YOURS DOES NOT! Grow the hell up and get over yourself you sound like a whiney little kid.....'but they got to do it why cant I'. God people like you piss me off. There are people dying of cancer, starving in this world and your main concern is putting ur penis in ur girlfriends anus just because other people have done it to. Personally I think ur girlfriend could do better than a selfish brat like you!!!
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A
male
reader, clawdig +, writes (11 October 2010):
Ladies didn't Vaginal intercourse hurt at first ? And isn't it true that the majority of girls do it just because they like they like the boy ? Doesn't the love y'all speak of go both ways ? I seriously doubt this guy is askin to have anal everytime they have intercourse. I'm sure a once a year or a once in the relationship is closer to the truth. I agree nobody should be forced to do what they don't want to. If she cares about you and you really want it she should let you try anal. But on the other hand if you really care about her then you will just forget about it. I think she's as much at fault as the ladies think you are. Woman are always so 1 sided against the man ! If she knows it something you would like to try and has already admitted to givin it up to less worthy men but still refuses then she should let you go and not force you to never try out your fantasies. Its a simple case of nice guys finish last. Woman always give less to the nice guys because they know the nice guy will still like them after. Good boys get no rewards ! It really pays off sexually to be be kinda mean. Just the way woman like to give it up I guess. Well ladies why is that ?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2010): I see why you're upset but I also think you need to roll with it a bit. It's not as if she was an anal-loving slut for every other guy she dated right up until she found you and then stopped. I know it feels like it's personal to you but it probably isn't.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all for answering. the reason I asked this question was because i was unsure on how to feel. Ive asked others if I should be upset, and they all said "well I see why your upset." I realized how selfish I was acting and I apologized, and Im sure in no time that I will be over it. Maybe I'll get a chance later on, maybe not. She wanted to try it with me before, so she might want to try it again. If not, it doesnt matter because I would rather be with her and not do anal, then find someone I dont love and get all the anal I can handle. Anyways, thank you for responding and thank you for showing me the error of my ways.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2010): You are being very selfish and thinking only of yourself and your wants.Have you ever tried something and then realized, hey, I never want to do that again? Maybe it was holding on to a bottle rocket,,,something you felt pressured into doing by your friends? After you were hurt for their amusement, how did you feel? Did you loose trust in your friends? Did you try holding the fireworks again or did you say.....hell no, that shit hurts and I am not doing it again! I feel sorry for young women and the pressure they are put under by the men they love. The loving, kind, connecting act of making love is no more. It has been replaced by disconnected, selfish, me, me, me lust and sex. The act of making love is about pleasing the other person and making a connection with them. Has your generation any concept of giving pleasure instead of demanding degrading and hurtful self pleasure???
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (2 April 2010):
 If you think hard I'm sure there are things you have tried in the past (not necessarily sexual things) that you thought mate that sucked I'm not doing that again.
I'm in your girlfirends boat. I've tried anal sex because a man asked me to try it with him and I hated it soooooo much!! It was the most horrible sexual experience i've ever had! I would NEVER EVER be tempted to try it again no matter how enticing a guy tried to make it sound.
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A
female
reader, rambini  +, writes (1 April 2010):
 "the chance you deserve" - no-one deserves any sort of sexual gratification, the fact that someone trusts you and loves you enough to be intimate with you is a privilage not a right!! She doesn't enjoy it, she has tried before and didn't like it, so instead of worrying about whether she loves you, im asking the question of whether you really love her, coz if u did then you wouldnt be emotionally blackmailing and guilting her into doing something she so clearly doenst want to!
wake up and grow up before you lose her.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 April 2010):
 Okay, do me a favor. (Aunts who are squeamish might want to look away at this point.) Look at your stool in the toilet one day, and look at hers. Notice the diameter difference. One will likely be a rather large tube, the other will be much much smaller.
The one that is much much smaller is likely the one that comes out of her anus. Her anus and rectum are anatomically smaller than yours. They have no natural lubrication, they aren't really designed for intercourse. This of course doesn't stop people from trying it.
So now that you have seen the size of her stool and can kind of compare it to your penis, which presumably is much larger in girth and much harder in substance. Now imagine that someone wanted to insert a large penis, sized up so that the essential ration is the same, into your anus. Not a penis the size you have, but a penis which has a girth in proportion to the difference in your stool. I would guess it's somewhere in the large cucumber range. Now lets imagine that someone wants to stick that in your anus and wants you to think that it somehow would be erotic.
Let me tell you, this girl has tried it, it doesn't feel good, it isn't erotic, she hates it, it makes her feel awful and you want her to do this for her. You think she's being selfish.
Honey, let me give you a hypothetical piece of advice. I would suggest that you break up with her because she is not going to want to do this and you are going to bug her and bug her until she caves in. She will hate it the entire time you are "doing it" to her and she will resent that you forced her into doing something she has told you she hates. It will kill her desire for you, because she is going to think that you're going to want it again. She will flinch when you reach for her in the future because she will be dreading 'the ask', "Is he going to make me do anal again?" She may not say it, but she will be thinking it. Every time you have sex with her from then on, she will be dreading the moment you ask and she will remember that you made her do something she really really dislikes. You forced her to do something, you guilted her into doing it.
I think you should end it now (hypothetically, of course) and go find a girl who IS willing to do anal sex. In fact, I think you should make it a relationship requirement. Make sure that as you get to know a girl, that you inform her plainly that you will require her to offer anal sex in order for you to be a happy boyfriend. Then get back to us and let us know how many girls leap at such an attractive offer.
Her mistake was telling you about it in the first place. Her second mistake was letting you think that it was some sort of commitment test, to make her allow you to shove your penis up her rectum because someone else has. What, are you covering their scent, like a dog peeing on a fire hydrant?
You are the one who is selfish and thinking only of himself. You are the one who needs an attitude adjustment. Let this poor girl go, so she can find a guy who isn't quite so caught up in proving a point at the expense of her happiness and well-being.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (1 April 2010):
 Sorry to leave yet another message but I just saw the anonymous poster's message... Please please please do not listen. She has already told you that if you continue to bring it up that she will leave. Don't "hope" that because she said maybe that she will come around and continue to try. She said maybe to appease you then decided she just couldn't do it. Stop bringing it up. If she truly wanted to she would initiate it... Because trust me she knows how much you want it. Stop trying to talk her into it. You will lose her.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (1 April 2010):
And I say this because I can see where she is coming from. I actually tried it with an ex, trusted him and all, and hated it. The next guy I dated I loved with all my heart, cared much much more about him than the first guy, and yet I still wouldn't have done anal with him. I didn't like it the first time, I wouldn't like it now. And if he had tried to push me into it I would feel hurt, like he just didn't care about my feelings towards it and that I was more of an object to him than a person he loved. And that he cared more about himself and his pleasure than my pain. Try to see where she is coming from.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (1 April 2010):
She doesn't like it!! She has tried it in the past, she doesn't like it. How about you turn the situation around... She doesn't love you because she won't let you try anal you say... Well maybe it seems to her that you don't love her because you want to force her to do things she has clearly stated she does not like! You are coming off, and I mean this is in the best way possible, as an inconsiderate prick. You are only thinking about yourself and not how she feels. Of course she is threatening to leave you, you seem to only care about anal sex! Please just stop! Can't you think of anything you may have tried with another person and decided you didn't like?? Even something small... I'm sure you can come up with something. If she wanted to do that with you and you said you didn't care for it, does that mean you don't love her??? Some girls do not like anal. It is painful. If that is all that is important to you then find someone else. I would have told you the same thing she has.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (1 April 2010):
 Make a deal with her, YOU can try it on me if I can try it on you. That might make you reconsider... Seriously I don't know what the big deal is. A woman has a perfectly good "opening" for you to make love to her, why should you even bother about this? She tried it before and she didn't like it. Shouldn't that be enough for you?
~Eve~
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2010): Trust me, let her try on her own terms. If she is not relaxed she'll remain tightened down there and that will make it hurt more. If she has contemplated it already that means there is the chance. Propose stimulating with a finger first while you give her oral, see if she can enjoy just a finger, then work up to two, stick your tongue in there too. Try all kinds of things working her into it. When she realizes that she can get pleasure from it, then she will be more open to it.
My GF was similiar, all though she never tried it before with other boyfriends. We did try it one night and we didn't prep for it (lube, foreplay, building up, etc.) and bascially just tried to stick it in and well, that was the end of that.
It wasn't until the past year or so I slowly started fingering her anus while going down and now I can put 2 fingers into her. The other night I had her bend over the couch and licked her anus and rolled my tongue and pushed it in and out and made her orgasm off of that. Sorry for TMI, but all this is really starting to open her mind a little bit. She now isn't really so concerned about the initial pain, but she is hesitant to go all out anal as she doesn't want her anus to be gaping.
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