A
male
age
30-35,
*forde04
writes:At the beginning of my first year at university I split with a long term girlfriend who I had been dating since I was 14. We reasoned that it would be difficult to maintain a relationship over long distances especially in what would be a trying and stressful year of our lives. Lip service was paid to our getting back together if all turned out well but I now believe that we used our departure to universities at polar ends of the country as an excuse to leave a relationship which was becoming increasingly dysfunctional. Having been in a long term relationship I was woefully inexperienced at the whole dating game and despite going on a few first dates as well as briefly seeing a girl who turned out to have severe mental health problems in my first year I made precious little progress in my love life. Perhaps I held out some hope that I would get back together with my ex, definitely the 'easy option'. Over the summer of 2012 we made positive steps towards rekindling our romance but returned to university in October and when, during a visit home at the end of that month my mother announced that my ex's mum had been telling her all about her new university boyfriend over coffee I realised that any chances I had of getting back together were dashed, possibly because I didn't act quickly enough. There was a girl I liked a lot, but as she spoke openly to me about her love life and numerous failed dates, courtesy of OKCupid.com I realised that I had been permanently friend-zoned. There was another girl that I was 'interested' in, but save a few drunken conversations and a brief Facebook chat that faded away due to a lack of things to say I had little to act on. A breakthrough came at a party in early December where I met her. A rather alcohol-laden conversation turned into a drunken snog and then a one night stand. I was attracted to her and we started sleeping with each other and as we got to know each other better we realised that we had lots in common. A few days before we both returned home for Christmas we got together. Initially I was very happy to be back in a relationship and things worked out quite well; I'd see her over the weekends and on a few other days of the week- we'd go out with friends and to house parties together whilst there were a few evenings which we kept to ourselves so that we could spend time with friends or by ourselves, however around March there was a distinctive change. Although I had been in a long term relationship with my ex girlfriend, we attended different schools and sixth forms meaning that I didn't see her on a day to day basis- generally we'd meet up once or twice a week, sometimes once a fortnight if we were busy preparing for exams and so on- I attribute it's longevity to the physical distance that existed between us. My current girlfriend now literally insists on our spending every waking moment together unless she arranges to meet friends or has somewhere to be. I find myself unable to meet with friends independently unless she is away, normally she invites herself. Not being the most assertive person, this was acceptable during term time when I live away from the family home. As we got together, many of my friends also met boyfriends and girlfriends so it was acceptable that we spent lots of time together and with other couples. Still, at this point I desired personal space but things worsened as I left university for the summer. My hopes for a quiet, peaceful and relaxing holiday have been wrecked by her instance on virtually living at my parents house. Whilst it may be reasonable for her to come and stay for a few weeks, the accumulative eight that she has spent at my parents are, if anything, abnormal. My mother is an extremely polite and tolerant woman, yet in the few moments that we spend alone in each others company she tells me that as much as she likes my girlfriend she finds it extremely difficult to tolerate her constant presence in our household and extremely understandably when she has two younger daughters to care for! My girlfriend could be described as being emotionally fragile and despite the fact that I have attempted to broach the subject carefully on numerous occasions I struggle to tell her that she should not spend so much time around my family, in fear that it might have a ruinous effect on our relationship. With a relative stranger constantly in her personal space, my mother understandably struggles to accept this. The short of it is that I feel as if I'm hanging from both eyelids, this being why I've resorted to relaying my problems in an extremely long post on the internet. On one hand my mother pressures me to resolve these issues with my girlfriend whilst, on the other my girlfriend insists on spending inordinate amounts of time with me. Temporarily ignoring the difficulties my family faces, I fear that our relationship will not survive if we continue to live in such close proximity of one another. When I approach a relationship I assume that it will be a long term one and accordingly will do all to make it so but being in the absolutely desperate situation that I am, I find myself increasingly considering the prospect of 'breaking things off' so as to abate tensions which exist with my family and regain the personal space that I used to so enjoy. This would pain me greatly but as I've previously said I'm stuck in a completely untenable situation. If anyone has any advice or guidance I'd really appreciate it
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 August 2013):
 You need to grow a backbone. Not to be rude, but you seriously need to grow a backbone. She's invading your because you LET HER. Some girlfriends are clingy. I'm like that. I want to be around my boyfriend 100% of the time, doesn't matter what boyfriend it is, I want attention and cuddles and couples-time constantly. And I get quite upset and feel rejected when I don't get it.
How to solve it? Be HONEST for goodness sake. Tell her you really, really like her, are super attracted to her, you see a future with her (if you do) and everything else you really love about her. And then tell her that while you love all these things about her, you have a need to be alone sometimes. You need personal space. You need to spend time with your friends alone too at times, to maintain the friendship, to build your own relationships with them, as in individual, and not just as a part of a couple. Tell her that some couples do everything together, and while you think that could be nice, you're not there yet. Maybe you and her will be one of those couples who spend every waking moment together, sometime in the future, but right now you aren't there yet.
Here are the things you need to AVOID saying:
My mother doesn't want you around.
I don't want you around.
You're too clingy and needy.
You need to not come to my house so much.
Avoid the negative phrases. Do not push the blame over to her. She only wants to spend time with you, and she thinks it is fine as long as you let her. It is YOUR job to tell her when its too much, it is not HER job to read your mind (or your mothers mind) and know when it's too much. Maybe you think it is obvious that she's overstayed her welcome, but she clearly does not see it that way! So do not put blame on her. Take the fault yourself. Tell her you should have spoken up about this earlier, but you were afraid you'd hurt her feelings, and seeing as you care so much about her you don't want her to be sad or upset.
Next, tell her you want to come to an agreement on how much you see each other. Yes, arrange this properly so that she is satisfied and you are satisfied. Do not leave it up to chance, because that is a recipe for disaster.
Tell her you'd like to hang out alone with friends this or that often. Alternatively, tell her you'd like to put one or two days a week for when the two of you will hang out together, with friends or just alone. And then at the beginning of each week you agree on what days it'll be, and how the rest of the days look like to you. Maybe you need study days, or maybe you just want to hang out with friends, or maybe you've available and want to meet her.
"When I approach a relationship I assume that it will be a long term one and accordingly will do all to make it so"
Tell her this. Leave out the negative part about thinking you should break it off. Breaking it off is something you do when you don't have a backbone, because in this case all you need to do is open your mouth and actually say something. You can't have a happy long lasting relationship with ANYONE if you do not learn to speak up and express yourself, your needs, and your expectations. Communicate! You can not have a good relationship with anyone unless you are able to communicate well. So just start talking to her, honestly, about how things are for you in the relationship and what you need and want.
Good luck..! You can do it!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2013): Your gf is very rude, has she no sense of boundaries? Not only your boundaries but those of your mom and family?
Beware people who don't respect others' boundaries. They lead to exactly the type of situation you find yourself in now.
First thing is you need to take responsibility to your family. You brought this woman into your family's home where she proceeded to overstay her welcome. It is your responsibility to get her out of your family's house. It just isn't fair to your family members. They have been gracious and hospitable and your gf just takes more and more.
Set limits with her by telling her she needs to leave he house. Suggest that you only get together on certain days or only certain times of the day. Tell her that if she wants to stay at your family's house then she needs to pull her own weight and start doing her share of he house chores. Ask if to help you vacuum or take the trash out or mow the lawn.
If she refuses or makes a big drama about it then you really to break up with her as that is the only way to create space from her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2013): In order for relationships to work, there has be compromise, respect, and fairness. There also has to be courage.
You don't "give in" to people encroaching on your privacy, space, and time; in order to keep the peace.
That is phony and cowardly. You should have made that young lady show your family more respect. If you're too cowardly to man-up and address her poor behavior; you're not ready for dating. There is always a tactful and respectful way to deal with people. Now is a good time to practice your skills in diplomacy.
Don't bring people into your parent's home who don't know proper etiquette. She was totally rude and didn't care. You should have set a time-limit on her stay. She showed no appreciation for your hospitality. She has a very strong sense of entitlement; to say the least.
She took advantage, over-stayed her welcome, and she's totally creepy. I might add needy, to a condensed list of adjectives.
Your mother must feel very disappointed that you didn't take better responsibility for your guest. I don't blame her.
First off, being a wuss will not earn you respect within a relationship. Everyone has rights, and there are boundaries as well. Offending your family being a major boundary.
I highly recommend that you break it off.
Date and enjoy the company of females for fun. You are a freshman, and will have plenty of time to form committed relationships. You need some time to mature first. Right now, academics come first anyway.
She is too clingy, has no regard for anyone but her own selfish needs; and you're feeling smothered. If it starts off badly, it ends up badly.
Grow a pair and deal with it. Sorry buddy, the only way to hand it to you is straight-up.
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A
female
reader, millonbitsu +, writes (24 August 2013):
This is a really tough situation I can see you're in.
Firstly I admire you seem like a genuinely considerate and loving boyfriend and son, but it seems like your prime concern is pleasing your mother and your girlfriend (which is great!) but you do need to give what YOU want some more thought.
It appears you agree with what your mother is saying because really you want the time to yourself, but please whatever you do don't use that as the excuse to tell your girlfriend to back off or split up with her, it would be extremely hurtful blaming your mum and not being direct with what you want from your relationship.
It sounds like you've had a bit of a turbulent time with meeting women since your first relationship, so you really want to reevaluate are you happy with this girl, or are you just settling on someone who isn't right but just happens to be the best person to have come along after a rocky start to being single. If it's the latter then you know you have to do the right thing.
So what it boils down to is you are with someone who has different expectations of what a healthy and comfortable relationship involves. What about your girlfriends friends and family, have you met them? Perhaps she doesn't have as many friends or is as close to her own family so you and yours are filling an emotional void. It seems odd she wouldn't want to spend time in her own hometown in the summer holidays. You say your girlfriend is emotionally fragile, but that is not an excuse for you to feel you need to tiptoe around a MAJOR issue that is affecting you and your family - you are in a mutual relationship and if she can't handle the truth about your boundaries then that to me signals you aren't right together.
It seems this has bothered you from early on in the relationship and your lack of assertiveness has caused the problem to only get worse. So you must find away to broach the subject before you go crazy. Perhaps ask to come up to her house for a couple of days and meet some of her friends, she may feel more comfortable when you leave to go home on your own then.
It seems you can express yourself well in writing in your question - if you really feel you cannot be direct with your girlfriend, perhaps write her a letter and give it directly to her. It's never going to be a pleasant situation confronting her but she deserves the truth from you. If she can't handle it then that is not your problem.
I know I haven't given you a clear answer here, it is your relationship and this is between the two of you - please think long and hard whether this girl is worth the stress and worry that she is clearly imposing on you. If she is then you need to learn to communicate and come to a suitable compromise because EVERYONE deserves a level of privacy and alone time.
Best of luck
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