A
female
age
30-35,
*erry-pops
writes:I need to know if my boyfriend is lying and using me. The thing is my boyfriend used my computer to go on to Facebook and forgot to log out. I noticed this and automatically went to do so when I saw my name in a concerning way so I read it. I felt terrible but I had to know what was being said. This message was between him and his best friend, he was saying how he broke up with his girlfriend and how it was a long time coming but he was already moving on and this girl was much more mature. My boyfriend goes on to say a mature girlfriend I could go for one of those. His friend asked what was wrong and he said that I was really fucking immature and he has to hold my hand for everything. His friend told him to dump me and he responds saying that that is hard since we have a lease together (we haven't moved in yet so that could be fixed if that were the case, and he says to me that he thinks about the things he does before he does them and wouldn't make that decision if he really didn't want to but he does because he loves me) and that he's tried before but always takes me back. (Which when talked to me about it he says that he would never really let me go and that he would come after me because he loves me.) Well his friend responds with a you fucked up and my boyfriend goes yea.. then he adds a plus her uncle will help me with a job after I graduate in theory and it's fucked up and I feel horrible about it but when its a job involved. (yes thats true my uncle offered but that's been off the table for a while because he said he wanted to do it on his own, unless he's changed his mind and hasn't told me) And he adds that next summer he's hoping for a steady internship and he will see how he feels about the relationship then. his friend tells him in that case stick it out and he says he will. The conversation goes on but ends with them talking about my boyfriend going to visit him and how they will party. (he hasn't mentioned this to me yet which I wouldn't mind but now I'm worried that he will do something unfaithful or something that would hurt me if I knew) I'm afraid because he always tells me he loves me and that he will never leave me. He always denies that he thinks things like that and denies even complaining about me to his friend but I can't show the proof cause even though he left it on my computer I read it and that was wrong. But I've been nervous for a while because we've fought before and the last time was the worst were he said that he loves me but doesn't feel the same about me like he once did and doesn't want to be with me, but when asked about it now says that he was mad and said that to hurt me. But ever since then he looks at this one particular girl quite ofter on Facebook and twitter and what ever else she posts pictures and info on but he's not even friends with her on these sites and it bothers me. He says that he only meet her once a few years ago at his old school. So why does he care about her, yes she's very pretty and sounds like a very outgoing friendly person. She now lives in California which is where we are both suppose to move next summer when he gets his internship and I transfer school. So I fear he's just buying his time to use me and then dump me on the curb to try things with this girl.
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female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (26 August 2013):
 I agree with the others. You need to let this one go. There is no joy in being someone's 2nd choice, backup plan or whatever else in the place of the "one and only".
This is a guy who isn't fully committed to your relationship. He may not be using you but I believe he is keeping you around "just in case." Just in case he can't find someone else, just in case he needs your uncle, just in case he needs a place to live...
He wont like being the one who is cut loose so be prepared for a lot of "no, I never meant those things,etc."
Consider it a blessing that you found out what you did find out. But have the good sense to use the information for your advantage. Find someone else who isn't always looking for something better. One day he will realize what he's lost and one day you will realize what you almost settled for.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): Doesn't matter why he's saying it- even if he's boasting there's no coming back for him this- this is so horrible and anyone would be devastated if they found out their bf was being this hurtful and, disrespectful about them... I really feel for you, "stick it out..." You need to finish this now, who deserves to be with someone like that? Every word he says is a lie , he's slagging you off behind your back and he's "sticking it out" to use you, 100%. I'm so sorry you had such bad luck with getting involved with this utter tw*t. For the record I would be crying my eyes out if I found out my bf cared so little and said such hurtful things about me. You'll feel distraught but that's because his words are very wounding. Be strong Hun and do yourself a favour, cut this loser lose. Take care xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2013): Dump him, he sounds like a complete jerk , you can do so much better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 August 2013):
 I agree 100% with BimBim.
I normally say that you should NEVER breech someone's privacy like that and I mean it, but in this case I think it was actually a good thing you saw this NOW rather then later.
He might have been "boasting" but like Auntie Bim said.. no smoke without a fire.
I would NOT be OK being with a guy who talk like that about me behind my back. I'd lose trust, faith and all respect for him.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (25 August 2013):
 Dump him, use the excuse you feel somebody a little more mature would suit you better, and that in order to save him financial loss on the lease and stress of parting when you transfer school you would prefer it to happen sooner, like now, rather than later.
It is going to be hard for you, yes, he may have been trying to appear macho and big note himself with his friend, but there is no smoke without fire, he could have responded to his friend sympathetically without being so negative about your relationship.
Let him go, this is not the man for you.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (25 August 2013):
I really feel for you on this one, I would feel horrible too if I found out my boyfriend was saying things like this about me to his friends!
Honestly, I think what you need to do is really think hard and decide if you really want to be in a relationship with someone that feels this way about you. I know there's always the possibility that he's trying to sound "macho" and "cool" to his friend, but it doesn't mean that he was lying about his feelings either.
Think about it this way, you are who you are and he is who he is. You're not going to change and neither is he. If he feels this way about you now, he'll probably still feel the same way when it comes time to move to California. Do you really want to invest more time and make a move states away for someone that comes across as unhappy in their relationship with you to other people? And if he keeps checking up on this other girl, I would see it as now being hard to trust him...is he really "just looking" or does he have ulterior motives? Even if not her, will he just keep you around until he thinks something better comes along?
You could do better and be with someone that doesn't consider being with you a chore. He also knows that it's jacked up of him to keep you around in case he needs a job from your uncle. That's completely selfish and disrespectful to you and your family!
In the end, I say dump him. Things probably aren't going to get better from here on out and he completely dissed you to his friend--which also leads his friend to have no respect for you.
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