A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My gf used to be a slut and was used by many men in the past as an object, which in turn lowered her self esteem even more. when i met her she was sexually open but now she has worked through her issues with self esteem is truely a bit of a prude in bed and won't try anythign that we did at the start of our relationship 4 years ago. is this because she doesnt want to feel how she did when she was treated badly by other men or do i not satisfy her in bed?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 July 2011):
 Sorry Cindy, but I'm with OP here. The language changes and slut is being used more frequently to describe promoiscuous males as well. And my personal favourite being "man-whore". I think it is positive that the word evolves from the original gender role and to including both genders. Makes it more fair and less loaded.
Anyway, I believe you, OP, have gotten the answers you need, I do not have much else to include. I don't think it's about you at all, but rather your girlfriend shutting down. It could be a phase and a part of her "healing and finding herself" project, but it could be permanent as well.
Talk to her about it, and try to work out ways to make this work for you as well. It is hurtful when a partner suddenly shows a lack of interest in sexual activities, and it is very easy to take it personal and think you are the problem and that this is some sort of punishment. But it isn't. She's depriving herself of sexual stimulation as well by doing this. But maybe it is a path she needs to go through, to see if she feels comfortable like this. Then maybe in the future she will open up and explore things because she enjoys them.
Because a woman who enjoys sex... doesn't lie still in the bed and only wants missionary. She's punishing herself in some way or the other. Careful about going into hobby-shrink mode on her though, try to talk and see how the conversation flows.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 July 2011):
 If we want to get technical, "slut" has been used since around 1420 - slutte in Middle English - to mean " dirty, slovenly WOMAN " . Then it passed to mean "kitchen maid " or "scullery girl " ( I guess kitchens were not that clean at the time ) and then to the current meaning of promiscuous WOMAN . Not surprisingly, since it could probably be a corruption of "slot " meaning " opening, crack "- guess which one. So yeah, it's definitely a female world.
But obviously that's not the point. All words are neutral per se. It's the sentiment , the intention you put behind them . The normal, current usage of slut is in a demeaning, derogatory , offensive sense. If you would call slut a man
too, that only shows that you can be demeaning, derogatory and offensive to both sexes. While your equal opportunity putting down is surely commendable- ask yourself if it's really necessary to be demeaning, derogatory and offensive both in general and to the woman that you supposedly love in particular.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto the women who are having a cry about the word slut please note i think guys can be sluts too and that it is disgusting that its socially acceptable for men to do it and women not to do it but take your high horse and feminism elsewhere thanks
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2011): "she now gets angry if I even suggest these things and she told me it's because they are disgusting and basically refuses to talk about it."
These are hallmarks for someone who has been sexually, emotionally, or physically abused or neglected.
She may deny it, but the odds are way in favor that she was. She hasn't worked through her issues, she probably hasn't even started, but is withdrawing from a natural and pleasurable act.
Get professional counseling help or this will not get better.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 July 2011):
Maybe she does not want the man she loves to think of her or define her his "slut" girlfriend. Maybe in her mind - and obviously in yours too- those sexual acts she used to do are typical of being a slut, which now she does not identify with anymore.
Most probably, she never really enjoyed those things, and, as typical of women with low self esteem, she felt she had to do them to catch/impress/keep the guy ; women with a self esteem problem always try to "fidelize the customer " offering him "more" and "better" than other women did or would . They live sex in a very performational way, as it were a show that must capture an audience's interest, so they do not let their true sexual self emerge- and it may be very well a "vanilla" sexual self ( which is not necessarily a bad thing per se ).
No judgements and no labels now. Work on building true intimacy , emotional connection and mutual trust, and when she'll feel completely acccepted and respected in and out of bed, I think she'll spontaneously allow herself to be
less conventional sexually.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionReading my question it sounds horrible but anyhow I was sleep deprived and frustrated.But thanks Tisha. I have never and never would call her a slut. her past is her past however it is effecting our relationship. She loved to watch porn, masturbate, try new positions at the start of our relationship. I have asked her why she now gets angry if I even suggest these things and she told me it's because they are disgusting and basically refuses to talk about it. Which leaves me guessing and feeling somewhat defeated. She is not proud of her past and probably never wants to feel the way she did when other men used her for sex and from what i have heard, basically did anything they wanted with her.As for defining the word prude i mean that she basically does not like to do anything besides missionary and I dont mind that its more the fact that she does not seem to have the same wildness or passion she used to and any attempt by me to make it more passionate is always shot down. A better way to phrase my question is I know she loves sex but she seems afraid to let herself go because of her past, so how do i show her that she can still be sexual and enjoy herself without feeling bad or dirty?I love her more than anything and i am actually planning on proposing and I have been with her since she was at her very worst I have always supported her and NEVER judged her.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (22 July 2011):
 Have you asked her why those things are off the menu now?
Maybe she never liked doing them and only did them in an attempt to keep the guy interested. Maybe she tried them and has had enough of them and isn't interested in them anymore.
Maybe they don't do anything for her from an erotic standpoint and she no longer feels the need to fake it.
Do you tell her that you use the term 'slut' to describe her? How do you define 'prude'? You're throwing around some emotionally-loaded words without too much apparent thought and perhaps she's picked up on that.
If you use the term 'slut' to describe her sexual past status, well, that's a judgmental and damning word for most women. So it would be sensible for her to stop doing the things that label her in that way; it would be self-defense, I think.
Maybe you're not the guy for her if you use words like 'slut' and 'prude' to define her as she struggles to overcome a damaging and hurtful past.
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