A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyoneI've been with my girlfriend for a little over 2 years, the majority of this has been long distance (10 hour flight). We've been trying to find ways to close the distance and one way is to get married so i can sponsor her. I felt this was too fast to get married and wanted to do the usual process of engagement, live together, get married etc but she reassured me we could have our ceremony later so we don't miss anything, just do this step now so we can live together and carry on as we are and do those things at the right times.I agreed to it, although I would rather find other ways to live together as i still feel its rushed. She wanted me to tell my parents and I said i would tell them about it when i felt ready as i don't usually talk to my parents about these types of things and don't really feel that comfortable doing it. I felt I needed time to tell them when it felt right as we plan to do it next year so still had a relatively long time to go. I felt i needed to feel comfortable with it first. Also my girlfriend changes her mind a lot so i wanted to wait until it was certain.However my girlfriend decided to tell my parents without asking me. This is awkward for me as I didn't feel ready and also now my parents will think i was keeping this secret from them when in reality i just wasn't ready to discuss it.I felt quite hurt by the fact she didn't respect my wishes and feelings in this area, but she seems to think she has done nothing wrong, that her telling them now and me telling them later are the same. Is it normal for me to be upset in this situation or is she right about it?
View related questions:
long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (1 January 2019):
 I wouldn't be hurt by this, I'd be furious and I'd call off the wedding. At least for the foreseeable future.
First off, her rush to get married so you can sponsor her for entry into Britain is highly suspicious. If she can't obtain a VISA on her own merits, this is should tell you something.
When to tell your parents was your decision to make and for her to pull an end run like this gives you a glimpse into the future. This is someone who is determined to have what she wants and doesn't mind stepping on heads to get it.
I'm afraid this isn't something I'd overlook and if she gets her way when she does it, it will embolden her to keep doing it.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 January 2019):
 Then TALK to her and be honest.
If you SEE a future with her but feel marriage is more "serious" then something you do because it makes things easy, then explain that to her.
Since the cat is out of the bag with your parents, I'd talk to them too, see what they think. They might have a little insight you can use.
Something like just living together can seem daunting and a little scary, so I can definitely see how MARRIAGE seems like a HUGE deal. And it SHOULD be. It shouldn't be taken lightly.
However, the deed is done, you can't change what she did, all you can do is move forward. Start that by being honest with her and have a talk about ALL the things you two will NEED to deal with to make it a go together.
That comes down to finding work, a place to live, etc. etc.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (1 January 2019):
 You aren’t ready to get married. Simple as that. It’s a lot to commit to. Tell her you’re not ready. Don’t go along with it just because she is ready to. It’s not right to cave because it leads her on, just like it’s not right for her to tell your parents.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2018): Original poster here.
I thought i'd clarify a few things. we've been together for 2 years, the first year we were together physically for 5 months and this year we were together physically for 6 months. We know each other very well and all of my family love her. We went to the same university for the first year and moved in together before she moved back to her country.
I simply wanted more time to tell my parents as getting married to get a visa isn't how i envisaged things, i didn't want long just a few weeks to find the right time to have the conversation.
Thank you for your answer honeypie! but wiseowl, wow, what a ridiculous answer. Suggesting i couldn't' find anyone local and that i've been cheating? Totally uncalled for. I'm asking for advice not unsubstantiated and misinformed personal attacks.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2018): Maybe you told HER too soon! She told your parents, because she fears you're fudging and dragging your feet; and leaving yourself an opening for escape! Just in the event you want to bail-out at the last-minute. Promising her the moon and the stars; but offering no particular timeline or decisive plan when any of these events are to take place.
Two years is a long-time to keep someone on-hold; and still be "undecided!" "Taking your time" you call it?!! Seriously?!!
You hardly know her, because she's a 10-hour flight away; and I can almost guess how many times either of you cross that much distance. You couldn't find a local girl; so you went all that far? You probably met on vacation, attending uni, or online. Most of your courtship has been online, text messaging, and through social media.
I speculate that you're not totally certain if or when you're ready to close the distance. Wishing in the back of your mind you could figure your way out of this!
You didn't exactly want your parents to know; because your parents will pressure you to settle-down, honor your commitment, make a decision, and deliver them a grandchild. They would also question why you had to go so far to find a woman? Maybe you'd have to explain why you may have been dating other women during some of this time??? Were you busted?
Here are my questions. Is this a rescue? Does she come from a country stricken with poverty? Does that country have political issues that would make its citizens want to flee in exile? Are you certain how much you really love her? To what lengths would you go to close the gap in distance? Why wouldn't you move to her country? If she isn't from a European country, would she be marrying outside of her religion? Would you have any issue with her parents with regard to your race, culture, or beliefs; or would your parents have any problem with hers?
These are probably all the questions that your parents would pose; on top of questioning your better judgement. If you have a history of making impulsive decisions, or not standing by your commitments; that's often why people avoid sharing their plans with their parents. It's usually because they aren't making good decisions; or they're not being totally honest, and/or hiding something.
Even she doesn't trust you; or she wouldn't have notified your parents of your intentions without your consent. She knows you're stalling, and may have cause to not trust you.
Maybe she's in a hurry to get out of her country, and you're her only hope?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2018): It seems your gf is not a British subject so you should enquire from the Home Office whether you can bring her over to Britain or not? Supposing you decide to marry how can this be done? Do you travel to her country and get married over there or can she get visa to come to Britain to marry in Britain? If she comes to Britain she will be required to provide a letter from her Embassy in London that she is unmarried in her Country. You need to think of all these logistics which you will have to do to get married. Have you met this lady face to face and seen her in real? If you want my opinion I would advice you to invite her to Britain and get to know each other more before you take the plunge.Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2018): Hmm tread carefully with this one, she seems to very much want things on her terms and telling your parents, my first thought was to make it harder for you to back out.
If it's long distance you can't possibly have spent ample time to really get to know her, but something seems to be holding you back, what?
I'll be interested to also know where in the world she lives? You come across as being a nice young man, ask yourself in honesty do you feel this relationship is based on mutual respect and love and can you honestly see her as your lifetime partner...
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 December 2018):
Is the "real" reason you didn't tell them because you were unsure of whether you ACTUALLY wanted to go through with it?
And HER "real" reason to tell them was to prevent you from NOT going through with it.
Because I know how that feels. When I met my husband and we started dating and then later talking future, one of the options was to get married so we could live together no matter where the Army stationed him. I didn't feel ready for marriage at all. However, I DID tell my parents myself and they were little skeptical of the "plan" but supported us. And that was over 20 years ago. It was a HUGE gamble, to be honest, ours paid off.
I don't think it was her place to tell them. And I think you need to BE honest with yourself (and her) as to having doubts. If you need another 6 months or even 12 to find a way for her to come to the UK on a visa, then DO NOT agree to something you are unsure off.
Where is she from? How much time have you spend IN person with her over those 2 years?
Can you financially support her 100% if she came to the UK? What skills does she have? What jobs can she apply for? If she has a degree is it comparable to anything in the UK?
...............................
A
female
reader, Ormskirk360 +, writes (31 December 2018):
 Personally if this were me, I would tell her the deal is off until further notice. I would tell her you won't marry someone you can't trust, and her going behind your back to your parents is trying to force the issue.
You already aren't sure about this, and I would feel the same under the circumstances. Such a distance means you probably haven't spent much time in person together, and you don't know if you'll be able to live together; you may find you're completely incompatible.
I know it would take longer doing it your way, but she seems to really be pushing, and once you're tied together it becomes much more difficult to part. I would personally stick with your plan, and tell her she has to rebuild your trust, then explain to your parents what's happening.
This would really wind me up, and I understand how you feel. Please don't get married until you know you can live together. Right now, every time you meet you will both be on your best behavior, and you won't see the real her until the novelty wears off.
...............................
|
