A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend since I was 18, I'm now 26 and we've lived together for 3 years. In truth I feel like he is my 'comfort blanket' - I feel safe around him, he makes good decisions etc. And looks after me, I feel safe having him there, And I've never lived alone.we both work full time.He's constantly on his Xbox and we don't really have many date nights unless I request them. However he is also very loyal on the plus side, I know that deep down he loves me and would do anything for me, he always checks if I'm ok if I come home late from work. I feel like he shouts really loudly and nastily at me most days, usually for silly things, like not being clear on what time I was meeting my friends, or for talking to him while he's on the headset to his friends on Xbox, or for washing the tin opener. I stand up for myself but this just comes naturally to him, he thinks it's normal to shout that way. Sometimes it's very loud the neighbours can hear and he grits his teeth when he talks to me, but I know he would never ever hurt me, that's just how he talks. I think I'm a nice person and always happy, I don't like arguments.I asked if we could go out today as a date meal, and he invited his friend. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy socialising when it's been organised, but I was looking forward to a date night.. he does this a lot, but I bet he would get really mad if I invited my friend along. Anyway I told him that he had already invited his friend now so he might as well come along now, or it would be rude, and he shouted at me for contradicting myself and he got really angry. I'm just sick of being shouted at all the time. I'm so scared to leave in case I don't find anyone else, I had wanted to be married by the time I was 30 and a part of me wants to leave and do the things I had dreamed of (travel, etc) but then I worry I am too old at 26 and don't want to be alone. I'm scared in case I regret it, I do love him but I'm sick of being taken for granted. Please help...Thanks for reading :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2019): When you make a decision about something, it is always influenced by how you are feeling at that point in time. So, at the moment, you are considering leaving your 'safety net' boyfriend because his behaviour has become intolerable, but you are having doubts about what the future will hold for you, because at this point in time, the thought of leaving him makes you feel very vulnerable and afraid. If someone is constantly shouting at you, it's not going to make you feel positive about anything - his behaviour is making you think negatively about yourself and causing you to be afraid of the future - this will incline you to think negatively about the future and about your self worth.Currently, you don't feel good enough to meet someone else who does't shout at you. You don't have any other abiding criteria - e.g. you're not saying you want to meet someone wealthy, or who will treat you as a princess, just someone who doesn't verbally abuse you. That's absolutely reasonable. But at the moment, this feels like too much for you to ask. The only reason for this is the fear that you feel, and the fact that your boyfriend's behaviour has caused you to doubt whether you could do better. At 26, with valuable experience of being in a long term relationship, and a positive outlook in general, working full time (so, self sufficient and not a burden to anyone), no kids yet (so, no burden to anyone new), you have pretty much EVERYTHING going for you. You are actually in a good position to choose someone new, providing you don't make choices based on a sense of low self value and fear of being alone.At 26 you have got absolutely ages to find someone new and settle into a loving relationship and have children. If you were writing this at 36, you'd still have enough time.As to your boyfriend's behaviour, I think because you are so young you are overlooking his negative traits. Even if he didn't shout at you, the fact that he is addicted to X-Box is something that a lot of women would just find totally weird and wouldn't tolerate. What's in it for you? Unless you want to be an X-Box addict too, then nothing. How would you feel if you had a partner who instead spent their time doing something lovely that you could join in with sometimes eg. gardening, sailing, dancing, hiking in the countryside, even going to the cinema or going out more for meals would be better than this.Added onto that, he is then shouting at you all the time, often over insignificant things. Unless he has some sort of condition that means he cannot moderate his voice level, then this is a BIG sign that he has a lot of underlying aggression, especially if he is gritting his teeth.I'm sorry, he may have some good traits but to me they also read as the kind of man who is ultra controlling; for example, when you say he gets concerned if you are late home from work - okay, this may be fair or it could be a sign of an overly controlling persona. X-Box is all about control. Having everything his way is all about control. You sound fairly passive and easy to control. When he doesn't get his own way, or feels out of control, that's when the aggression and shouting kicks in. For now, he hasn't got all that much to feel out of control about. But what happens when you want other things in life? What if you want to start a hobby without him? What if you have kids and he can't handle being woken up in the night by them crying, or having to change their nappies in stead of being on X-Box with his mates?Seems to me like you feel he will never hurt you but I am not so sure about this; at the moment, you are already sensing a lot of tension from this person, without there being very much at all in either of your lives to cause that tension. So, what happens when adult life really kicks in and things get more complex? I dread to think. I think you are in a 'tip of the iceberg' situation with this man and his anger issues and are too naive and inexperienced to see it. He is only currently able to be 'loving' towards you because he feels he has you 'in your place' doing what he says.You sound lovely, but a bit too passive. Passive women can inadvertently attract aggressive men. I'd say leave, and take up a hobby that will help to change your mindset a little - something like a martial arts class (!) will ensure you become more assertive in every way, without becoming aggressive.If you really can't leave, I'd strongly urge you to get your partner to agree to anger management classes and to kick the X-box addiction for good. What's the point of him becoming an expert in X-Box, when he can't cope with real life stuff like his partner washing a tin opener???
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 January 2019):
 If you really DO want to be with him, it will require not only a LONG talk where you remain calm and precise but also with you starting to walk away EVERY TIME he starts yelling.
Inform him that you will do so first, then implement it.
As for being mad and yelling because he didn't know when you would be home... what a lame excuse to yell.
HAVE a whiteboard/chalk board near the front door. If you go out, write where you will be (ish) and what time you expect to be home. Or simply text him the info.
I would also suggest you talk to him about getting out of the house more together as a couple. He does sound "addicted" to his gaming.
If all this fails, then you need to RETHINK if this is how you see yourself in 2-5 years. Because HE isn't going to change.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (2 January 2019):
 Oh sweetie..you aren't old and if you end this relationship you shouldn't be afraid that you won't find someone else! Both my mother and my mother in law were in their 70's and found love again. Please don't let that be the reason that you stay with this man.
You are right he shouldn't be screaming at you. People in loving caring relationships do NOT act in this manner. I don't want to frighten you but do not assume that he would never become violent or try to hurt you because he might. As Wiseowl said, he is restraining himself right now but he could easily go too far. It starts with just a little slap or a push and can very quickly escalate.
My ex husband was like your guy and got really aggressive when playing video games. He would scream throw temper tantrums, go outside and punch walls etc. I seen his anger but never thought for a minute it would be directed at me. I was wrong..so wrong..he started yelling at me, pushing me, hitting me, slapping my face..and then he broke my arm. That was when I left.
I know you've been together for a long time but are you going to continue to live like this? Him yelling at you being nasty and thinking it is ok to act like this? IT IS NOT OK. I know I got to the point where I was scared of my husband. I would try to never upset him, never say anything that he might take the wrong way. I was too afraid to tell my family too ashamed. You have to take care of yourself and if can't control himself then you need to consider if you really want to live with someone like him.
I agree that it sounds like he is addicted to games. That is NOT a good thing. It isn't something that he will give up very easily either.
Think your options over very carefully. He doesn't sound like he really cares about you only his games. I wouldn't want to be someone's "second" choice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2019): I find your post touching; and I guess I can understand why you stick by your man. He's too rough with you. When a guy clinches his teeth; he's pretty angry, and that is overly-aggressive behavior around a woman.
No, my dear! That is not normal or acceptable male-behavior. It is not okay! Sneering or gnashing your teeth is a very hostile and primitive facial-expression. It is a sign he is losing patience; and a threatening look he gives to warn you that he is restraining himself from reacting in a more aggressive or violent manner. It's a threat!
You should be concerned! No, you don't know he will never hurt you! You haven't pushed that button yet, and you're scared to! You've always given-in timidly; when he raises his voice. He has learned over time it works.
A behavior he learned from his dad, no doubt! He also picked-up that you have "daddy-issues;" and need to feel protected. So he behaves like he's your angered father. Scolding and admonishing you! You've seen this behavior during your childhood. Tolerating male-aggressiveness is sometimes an indication you haven't had many positive-male role-models in your life. Maybe your dad was very stand-offish, an absentee-father; maybe he wasn't very affectionate towards you. You had to over-perform for his approval; or go out of your way to get attention.
You seem to think only men should be powerful and strong.
It's fine to be submissive or genteel; but you should have a good man who handles you with loving-care and respect. He shouldn't have to treat you like a china doll. You won't survive the challenges of life; if you don't develop a backbone. A man is not your backbone. You have to have your own! You can't depend on people to take care of you; if they know that, they will use it to threaten and control you! To punish you!
You might have a skewed-perception of masculinity; like a lot of women do, it seems. They think very aggressive and intimidating male-behavior makes them feel safe. It's not supposed to be directed at you, or females. It's supposed to be directed at men who pose a threat to his physical-being, his mate, offspring, or property. It's inappropriate behavior around women, children, the weak, or elderly people. In those cases, it's bullying!!! Not meaning he's not supposed to get angry. That's normal and human! Aggression is beyond angry, it's rage!
Couples pretty much fall into a routine; and things become predictable. He is very much into his gaming; which is usually habitual and addictive. Nagging at him about it will set him off, as you've mentioned. He is more into gaming than making you feel loved, giving you romantic-affection, or taking you out on dates. He feels your knowing it is enough. I'm sure sex is still on, but a woman needs more than that. His attention to you should be just as fulfilling and exciting as his gaming. Seems the scale has tipped to gaming! His buddies are his playmates; he's still a big kid!
He seems immature, aggressive, and addicted to gaming. He has established that as a major preference and daily routine. You're beginning to feel you are no longer compatible. You can't compete with gaming! When he stops giving you affection, gets angry at you for asking him for attention, and doesn't seem remotely interested in taking your relationship to a higher level. You're the one who has to decide what's best for you. We can suggest that you leave him; but you don't want to. So your post is mostly to vent.
Which is why you must read it back to yourself.
There are two things built into almost all us human beings. We all have a threshold for frustration, and a pressure-valve. When we reach our saturation-point in any given situation; enough is enough. We make very difficult decisions when we simply can't take it anymore.
Apparently feeling safe isn't the same as feeling loved. You say you know he loves you; but people are kind and protective of their pets. Our mates and children deserve to feel and see more love than even a pet could expect.
Read your last two paragraphs. Read it to yourself aloud a couple of times. Saying it aloud brings those words to life; and you'll start to face the reality of the situation you're in. It's easy to type a few words; but to hear those words about how you feel said aloud. They'll take on a more serious meaning. Say them to him! He needs to know!
Not finding someone else is ridiculous. Stop telling yourself that!!! Foolish people think that way! It keeps them in harm's way, or surrendering to abuse. Never convince yourself any situation is hopeless; or you can't find someone better! It's not that you can't; it's that you will never give yourself the chance to! Based on a lie told by fear! Laziness!
Consider what you're missing, and what you're willing to sacrifice to stay. Consider where you think this relationship will be in another 3 years. Consider how difficult it is to compromise with him; and how stubborn he can be. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH A MAN LIKE THAT!!!
Everyone who loves someone is afraid to leave them. You'll reach your threshold, and common-sense will override your fears. You'll do what's best, when enough is enough!
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A
female
reader, lulu31 +, writes (1 January 2019):
 NEVER settle for less than you deserve.
I was in a very similar situation where i had a very 'comfortable' life with my ex and if i'd had stayed I probably would have had a comfortable future.
He used to shout, roll his eyes and generally seemed annoyed with me for things. I used to have bad anxiety and he would shout at me if I ever got panicky or stressed (which of course, made it worse!)
Looking back, I should have given myself much more credit and realised my worth. If i had, i would never have let someone shout at me.
You know his behaviour is wrong. It sounds to be quite honest that he isn't respecting you and he's just ungrateful for the relationship-Otherwise he'd be appreciative of the things you do, instead of shouting all the time. Yes the spark softens when you're in a long term relationship but that doesn't mean you have to put up with crappy behaviour! You're worth a lot more than that.
As for worrying about your life path with marriage, etc. There is absolutely no time limit. It sounds like it would be good for you to go off the plan a little bit, spread your wings and enjoy where life takes you- without a boyfriend who is rude to you!
Me and my ex had a messy breakup and yes it hurt a lot but 5 months on i am on a competely different path to what i thought and i couldn't be happier- truly. I'm thankful everyday I didn't settle for him!
It's a new year. Get out there and go for it. Good luck x
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (1 January 2019):
 You are never too old to travel, but you will waste time if you’re not happy. Forget being married by 30; it’s not important. If he can’t see this issue, he can’t change it and you won’t be happy.
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