A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together for 10 years. She was raped at some point before I met her. I found this out in the last year. Initially, we had a good sex life, but within two years it became nonexistent. She just cannot be intimate with me. She says it makes her feel suffocated and it is not pleasurable for her. She says that over the last 4 months she has made great progress, but I don't see any from my point of view. It's a big deal if she can even climb into bed with me and put her arms around me. We haven't kissed in forever. I couldn't tell you when. We have cold, unaffected sex about once a year. I have been very supportive of her, but I am at the point where I am thinking I am not the person for her. Maybe someone else can help her get over her fears or maybe she never will.I want a wife. I want children. I want a sex life. This all sounds very selfish, but these are normal things most people have. I don't feel I am out of line asking for these, rape or not. She is not willing to talk about what the issues are nor work on them in any other way. She is the love of my life, but I am considering walking away. Am I a terrible person for feeling that way?
View related questions:
sex life, want children Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2011): Expert therapy, for years, and she must work hard at it.
If she won't, then you have to consider moving on.
I've been there, we are doing that, my wife was raped and abused long before I met her and it is a struggle.
The difference, she wants to work on it. She works hard on it, therapy every other week, weekly reading, and exercises.
She is a world better than she was, but has a long way to go.
However, she appreciates me more than you can imagine because I hung in there. My story is much like yours, sex at first, dwindled to nearly nonexistent, no explanation, but finally the rapes and abuse came out in counseling when it was either talk or see me leave.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2011): the anon is right. She needs expert therapy and it could easily last several years. She has a fear of intimacy and a fear of being controlled. These are two common symptoms of such a history.
If she loves you and is serious about a life with you, she must go get the help she needs. If she will not, then from bitter and long term personal experience I can tell you that she will NEVER be the same as those first few years together with you. It will be more of the same as it is now.
In that case you MUST walk away. No matter how hard that seems. And I know it is easier said than done.
Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 September 2011):
 Is your G/f under professional counselling to address her issue with the rape????? If not, then there is no future to consider.... She MUST face the past if she (and you) have any hope for a future.....
...............................
A
female
reader, canyouhelpme  +, writes (6 September 2011):
hi i am the same as you but i have not told my bf just yet but i am the same as your girlfriend i been raped 3 years ago now and i got help if i did not i keept it in and really i nearly killed myself as i was under that much stress.
but i dont want you thinking now oh god she might kill her self but different people do act differently to different things.
what i would say is get her to counseling so she can open up to someone, or it will be hard get her to talk to you about it. i will say now it really does help talkin to someone about it as i wish i went sooner.
but i hope this does helpx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2011): She needs to have therapy, and I mean major cognitive therapy and psychoanalysis, not just a "councelor" but a specialist in people who have had sever trauma. It sounds to me that she has PTSD, which will not go away on its own. Anyone who has suffered a sever tauma will have it, and it isn't something you can heal by yourself.Sadly, she can't be helped unless she wants to be helped. You can't force her. I would sit her down and tell her seriously that this is effecting you to the point that you may leave. If she wants you in her life, then she needs to get help and work on her problem. If she refuses, then say you can't be her crutch forever. Tell her you support her 100% in getting help, but you won't enable her to suffer silently any more.I have a mental illness, so it is tough to hear. But I can tell you that if someone is there pushing you forward to take that first step you either take it, or you don't. Sometimes you can't snap yourself out of it, an outside force needs top ush you.
...............................
A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (6 September 2011):
 You are not terrible. People need a shock to get out of the bad situations that they are in.
If you end it, it will make her feel like a victim, but then she will slowly realize that she was kinda ridiculous.
Its like me being so angry at my parents for what they did to me, but not being able to kiss a woman or ever have kids.
No, that's bullshit. I was affected most definitely, and maybe I can't speak for everyone. However, it is not right to expect you to sit there and not get what you need.
End it and if she is salvagable, she will come back to you when she has been forced into the position where she has to think about her life and whether to die miserable and depressed or happy and with the love of her life.
I'm gambling she will choose you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 September 2011):
 She needs serious help. There are many rape/crisis hotlines where she can call and talk to someone anonymously.
Does she think she will jsut " get voer it" or does she expect you to just accept this status quo?
I don't blame you for how you feel. We all have our needs and limits.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 September 2011):
 No. You can, and have to, be understanding and compassionate all you want, but eventually you are human too and you have the right to seek a partner that will fulfill you both physically and emotionally.
Maybe it would be different if she had tried all she could to overcome this problem- and failed; in this case perhaps abandoning ship would have been sort of callous .
But if she always refused to seek therapy or counseling, to open up about what she feels, etc.- what are you supposed to do ? Sacrifice your own life on the altar of her unwillingness to seek change ?
...............................
|
