A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend of about 5 months now slept with my best friend two years ago - multiple times. I know this shouldn't bother me, but the fact that I know her past, and how she was (sleeping around/being a 'booty call'), has me skeptical. I have been thinking about it a lot, probably too much, and now it won't go away. The thought pretty much infuriates me, and it almost feels like I have to choose between him or her. Should I feel this affected? And how should I go about this without killing myself mentally?
View related questions:
best friend, her past Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, hpoco  +, writes (3 December 2011):
 People make mistakes, and while it might not be admirable to be casually sleeping with someone, I would hardly call it immoral. I gather that they were both single and young and well, sex will happen. I am sure you have made mistakes, in one area of your life or another at some point. Unless she has cheated on you, or behaves promiscuously now, I think you should put this down to your own prejudices and try to just love her and trust her. She didn't know then that one day she would be dating you.
But, as the others have said, if you can't get past it do everyone a favor and break up with her. The sooner the better. She can undo the past.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 December 2011):
 Doesn't that mean your best friend is a user, if he's using girls for booty calls? Alternatively, they both may simply have wanted a sexual encounter without an engagement ring or picking out china patterns.
If you are having this much trouble, I'd say it's probably best if you move on from them both. If you hang out with people who enjoy casual sex, male or female, well, that is who you are going to meet.
People say "boys will be boys" on this, but girls have sexual urges and desires too, and, well, "girls will be girls." I think you have to apply the same standard of behavior to your male friends if you expect a girl to adhere to it as well.
Hope things work out for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 December 2011):
 I'm not exactly sure what you mean by "put herself out like that"? But anyway, knowing someones past isn't always easy. Anything about someones past can iin one sense or the other be questionable, which is why when we don't want to judge people based on their past we often resolve to not wanting to hear about the past, because that makes the decision so much easier. However, truly accepting someone despite of their past, and not judging them for it, requires knowing about it, not just pulling the covers over your eyes.
Imagine down the road if you find someone you want to marry... you'd rather know about her past and have accepted it, than not know about it and be in the dark about it, sort of in denial. I know loads of people who say they "love" someone, but they have no idea who this person is, or was, and claim they don't need to either. But that's just being in denial. If you truly love someone you love them regardless of their past, because the past has helped them get to where they are today, and as a lover your position is not to judge if they are good or bad, but to either accept them as a whole or not. Dating is the time you spend with someone to decide if you can accept them with flaws and everything, or if you can't.
No one comes right out of the factory all shiny and new, apart from babies. Rather someone who lived and learned than someone who didn't experience a thing and will suddenly flake on you. But it is up to you to decide if who she is today is someone you can accept and love as a whole, her past taken into consideration. The past should always be in the equation, not so you can judge it, but so you get a good picture of the person as a whole and a better grip on who they are today. You would have found out about this sooner or later, but maybe right now while the relationship was so fresh it was a bit much to take on at once. So I say give it time to get to know her better and see what happens. This doesn't have to be something that will always bother you.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (2 December 2011):
 IF you are unable to put behind you this tidbit that you know of your prospective "girlfriend's" past... then you should drop her......
Good luck...
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (2 December 2011):
 I met several of my wife's previous "lovers" and feel sympathy for your feelings but depending on how well she treats you in bed. you can put it to the back of your mind. It'll always be there so if you have troyble with it leave now befor it gets intense.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guessing mainly it's almost a respect thing. We've talked about it, and her case was she wasn't "happy" with herself at the time (whatever that means or justifies). It could have been anyone else, and I wouldn't have anywhere near the problem I have with it. Even after having spoken with her my mind still isn't at ease. Maybe it's a moral thing? That I can't picture being with someone knowing that they used to put theirself out there like that. It didn't bother me at first because I didn't see our relationship ever making it this far. Now that I've let myself fall for this girl, i'm somehow dwindling in the past. Which it is: the past.It's just hard to think about, and I wish I didn't know any of it. It's hard to look at my friend, or her, and not think about it. I'm sure I can work thru it, I just think I have to find it in my heart to do so.Thanks for the feedback, guys.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2011): Sorry but you gotta break up with her. These bad feelings never go away, they ONLY GET WORSE. It's easy for other people tell you "get over it" or "you can get over it if you try" but saying and doing are two different things.
My advice: Filter out the feedback from everyone who has not actually been through this themselves and beaten it. See how many people are still telling you that you can get over this. (BTW, someone "beating it" means they stopped hurting over it, not just they stayed in the relationship and toughed it out for years. Unless you think your own case is "beating it" up to now.)
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (2 December 2011):
 It is something that would bother most people, so your reactions are understandable. But the thing is, you *chose* to be in this relationship with her, despite knowing about her past.
I'm assuming you thought you could deal with it, but now you're feeling you cant.
Even if you DO choose your girlfriend in favor of your best friend, do you think your anger/jealousy/obsession about her past will disappear? You can cut someone out of your life but that is no way to deal with the past, because no matter how much you try to sweep it under the carpet, the fact of the matter is, it will always be there and you will have to face it.
You have two options here. Either you try and accept that whatever happened was in the past and keep it at that, or you cut your losses and move on without the burden of this relationship.
Ask yourself, how much does this girl really mean to you? If you think that you treasure the person more than their past, then you may be able to make it work.
All the best
...............................
A
female
reader, hpoco +, writes (2 December 2011):
Life is messy. I think you need to figure out what exactly is bothering you about this situation. If its because it happened at all, just the fact that she slept with him makes you crazy, then break up with her because she can't change the past. If what is bothering you is more current, something happening now, then maybe you can get past it. I wonder why this didn't bother you at first? Are you afraid that because she slept him once, it might happen again? Or because she was someone's booty call, you think that means she will cheat on you? If its something like that, maybe you can talk to her, or search your own feelings, and solve things. Good luck...
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (2 December 2011):
I think it would bother me too. There is a reason for why yours friend's ex is off limits most of the time, because getting with a friends ex is usually a bad idea. Too much complications. The danger of ending up comparing the relationship with what they had is too great, and unless you feel 100 percent comfortable and okay about it then you are just pressuring yourself to do something you don't really want.
Sure, it *shouldn't* bother you, if one could erase memories. But you can't, and it does bother you. It's not her fault as such, she was entitled to do whatever she wanted in the past, but none the less her past, and your friends past of referring to her as a booty call, has an impact on the current relationship. May I ask why this didn't bother you at first, only now 5 months in? Did anything happen to make you go from being ok about her past relationship with your friend, and to making it a problem?
I also think this does come down to a matter of loyalty for you. You feel you need to choose between your friend and her, without either of you asking. I think what might be happening is that you need to just make some adjustments. In the past perhaps your friend and you could talk about everything, because your girlfriends and his girlfriends were in a separate world from you. He would know his girl, you wouldn't, and you would know your own girl but he wouldn't know her the same. In this case the dynamic is different. Your girlfriend is part of his world as well, and as such becomes too close to what you are used to. You can't talk to your friend the way you used to, and you don't have your girlfriend a "secret" to only yourself as you maybe used to in the past. Everyone wants something that is just theirs, it's not greedy, but natural. We want to have some separate friends, a separate life so we don't feel we lose ourselves.
So maybe you feel you aren't getting this separate life with your girlfriend, because your friend knows/knew her and a lot about her, it impacts the way you and your friend communicate, and you miss having something of your own, something separate from your friend.
Maybe just take the relationship slow and see how it goes? Work through these difficulties, it takes a lot of work from you to identify why it bothers you, and if you think you will ever get over it. But I wouldn't blame you if this becomes too much of a complication. However, you could try to simplify things: she likes you, you like her. Does your friend, her ex, really need to be a factor in this?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2011): Everyone has a past of some kind. What happened before you 2 became an item is none of your business. People make mistakes, you have been together 5 months, she did this 2 years ago. It is none of your business. Whenever those thoughts start drifting into your head, make yourself think about all the good times you have shared, what she means to you. What matters is the person that she is now, not what she has done in the past. Good Luck.
...............................
|
