A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my curent girlfriend for just over 2 years. 8 months ago she was beaten and raped. I have stood by her and tried to help any way I could. I love this girl and can honestly see her as the one. But after 8 months she still isn't comfortable with a physical relationship. Even if I try to cuddle her she pushes me away. I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable, but I feel like she may never get over this. I need our physical relationship back but how? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters  +, writes (14 September 2010):
 Do you love her? I imagine you do.
If you do, and you think she is worth the wait, then wait and help her.
A
female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (23 March 2009):
 What many forget, is that partners of rape victims also need to understand that they too, need to be educated on how to understand the whole implications of being a partner to a rape victim. The partner is supposed to be there and provide support and reassurance to the girlfriend (the rape victim), but hardly any guidelines are given to him on how to do that.
I tried to google relevant information for you, but was only able to find the following sites:
Advice For Partners Of Victims http://www.rasasc-guildford.org/guidelines/partners.htm
SUPPORTING A PARTNER or FRIEND? http://www.survivorsswindon.com/partners.htm
and for the rape victim, there is a line in the following link "I want my partner's support, but I can't stand the idea of having sex." http://www.truthaboutrape.co.uk/bodies.htm
It is very interesting how the society focuses their energy on the direct victim and less on the "indirect" victim. This is however, changing, though very slowly. Much like the slow changes that occured in support to military personnel who were on the front line. It took a while for the VA to recognize that they too, need support (not just the war victims in the countries they were stationed in).
If you and your girlfriend had not undergone couple's counselling already, then perhaps you could go to one of her own [rape victim] support group meetings. That would hopefully put you in a better position to understand what some of the things she goes through.
If you can be there for her now, you are definitely a solid husband material for her! But, if she is big of heart and sees that you too have your needs that she may not be able to fulfill for you right now, she may let you know that it would be unfair for her to "keep" you from moving on.
Hope all works out the best for you. My heart is with you and your girlfriend.
Cat
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A
male
reader, Jason means Healer +, writes (23 March 2009):
It's important to reassure her that you have no time limit as to when you expect her to "recover."
The opposite of force is "no force."
Consider, in six months time it will be the same amount of time since the incident than it was since you met and the incident.
Now, seeing as this evil person has destroyed everything that she held sacred, would it surprise you that it took at least the same time to recover from it?
Currently, my friend; you're being a bit premature although this must be tough for you as well.
Tell her that you will give her as much time as she needs to recover from her ordeal.
You could take the opportunity in six months to very sensitively point out that you have been quietly abstinent for her for longer than you was with her.
She will most probably give you some indicator at that time of how she is progressing, supposing that she hasn't recovered her confidence before then.
Once that boundry is crossed, ie. a little more time yet has passed, then you must proceed to explain to her that people need to express the love they have for each other in ways other than words. If she is unable to recover and you are clear about what your needs are then eventually you will part, but I fear it will be like the slipping away of the guy in Titanic, how very sad...
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (23 March 2009):
I have two things to say.
1. Therapy. Definitely she should be in therapy and you might want to try it to help you cope.
2. I LOVE that you are a good man who has stood by the woman he loves in a kind understanding way. There are so many stories of men who are immature, selfish and cruel on these posts. It's so wonderful and refreshing to come across a good guy. Thank you for being you.
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A
female
reader, Lauryn +, writes (23 March 2009):
As a girl who has been in the same position as you girl friend, Here is a little advice for you.
You g/fs trust in all guys is lost, she was hurt physically, mentally and emotionally and nothing will ever change what happened to her. If you truely love her give her all the time she needs.
8 months may seem like a long time to you, but not for what she has been through. Bringing up the fact you want a physical relationship to her right now would only make her feel worse. Let her know that if she needs someone to talk to you are there for her, but if she says she fine and doesnt want to talk about it then drop it dont pressure her. When she is truely ready to talk and to get physical she will come to you. But it may take a very long time.
As her b/f she is excepting you to undestand her (even though you may not be able to understand at this moment), she needs you to be the man and let her heal.
Look at it like this , rape is the worst possible thing for any woman to go through. Now picture yourself alone, acard and powerless, having someone twice you size on top of you beating at you. Not knowing what is going to happen next, wondering if you will live or die. Thats what she faced.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2009): Denny's answer was perfect! And I'm glad it came from a guy! She needs to seek help from a professional. Lots of therapy. To her it must seem like yesterday.
It must be difficult for you, but try to be patient and help her in any way you can. And definitely not by pressuring her for sex. Yes, you have physical needs, but you can take care of that yourself. If you love her you will help her heal! You could benefit from therapy too. I wish you both luck and healing!
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