A
male
age
41-50,
*uriellaxa
writes:So sorry for venting out but I have no one else to talk to about this. You see, I'm with this very wonderful woman for almost 5 years now. For me, I think she's the girl of my dreams and she's God's gift to me. Lately, questions about getting hitched and kids are being brought out. It's not that I don't want any of those, but it's just that I'm not ready yet financially. I need more time. I'm just starting my own business and I've invested a lot of time and money on it. I know it will pay off soon and I want her to be a part of it. But she's above 35 already and I understand that her body clock is ticking really fast. She comes from a well off family and has nothing to worry about financially. But as a guy, of course I have to take it that its my responsibility to support her. She knows this but I'm feeling really pressured right now to succeed in my business because of this. But it really takes a lot of time. She even shoots down my business. Make no mistake about it, I tried to propose to her and hint to her about getting hitched but she always shoots it down. I've asked like 20+ times and she never answered it. I know its because she's unsure of me which is understandable. But honestly, I'm quite an artist and a risk taker and don't base feelings on money. I always tell her what's impt is that we love each other and we support each other. But for her its like I have to show a bank acct before she even says yes. I really don't know what to do anymore. Should I let her go?Just to add, I already bought an engagement ring for her and planning to propose to her at a very important event for us this August. But lately we've been having a lot of fights about money matters. Honestly if i have money, all this would go away. But I hate the fact too she hates my passion. I support her in everything that she does. She always nags me about how much I'm making and my bank account. .sometimes I just give up and ask her to support my passion which is what I'm doing right now.If only I had the money all this would go away. But I really don't think that's what relationships should be based on. I love her more than anything in the world that's why it's frustrating when she can't understand why I'm trying to hard to make what love doing work. I told this to her (that my job is my passion and what I really love in life) and she gets back to me with "will that passion be enough to support us" or say "you're investing too much time on that but you're not earning anything"What made me think about everything was when I asked her "if everything else fails (my plans, business etc), will you still love me and support me?" she just said "I honestly don't know and I don't have the time."I simply wanted her to say, I'll be behind you no matter what because that's what I believe will make marriages work. I've seen a lot of couples, who have all the money in the world, end up in divorce. I love her so much. I just need more time and for her to support me more.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2014): So who's life do you live? your's? her's? An artist is an artist, it runs through the blood and is part of who you are. I am a visual artist and performing artist, If I gave up art I would be loosing part of who I am. I see art in most things and I don't want to close those eyes to see only a grey world, it needs colour more than ever, art has the potential to heal and is not just airy fairy arty stuff as many have said to me. It's fact and an ancient truth that should not be flattened by what today's grey world of materialism thinks is important. You love and you are in love, Biological clocks ticking away and pennies lacking are reality, but your art is your reality aswell. TIME is not on your ladies side, so on this, I have to say do not deny her the opportunity to have children either stay or walk away now,what ever you do, don't slip into the grey world bring her into the colour.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2014): Well for some people it makes sense to be financially stable before marriage and children.And she really doesnt have much time left so either you start doing something that makes money and give up your passion as THE source of income or you let her go.Struggling artists can and do have happy families - but only if their partners are fully behind this lifestyle CHOICE.Getting a married and having children when you disagree about something as fundamental as finances is going to cause catastrophe in your relationship.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 May 2014):
 Well, call me a b...h, but if she is from a well off family and she has got nothing to worry about financially, it makes sense that she does not want to have to worry financially about YOU.
And, call me a BIG b...h, it's easy to say that money does not matter - when you don't have any . If you've got nothing, you got nothing to lose, as Bob Dylan says.It's easy to say " all that counts is love " when if you fall flat on your face , ..someone else will be picking up the pieces and making sure you won't ever want for anything.
Does it look a little bit different, put in these terms ?...
On the other hand, I don't understand why you ( or she ) feel that, as a guy , it's your responsibility to support HER. Unless she's dead set on being a stay at home mom ? For good ?... Is she working / earning right now ?...
What about, focusing each of you, on being financially independent, and being able to support each one yourself, plus your half :) of the kid ( s ) you should have ?
Of course you would not have to match her dime by dime, but, frankly, at 35 plus, I don't blame her a bit if she wants to start something demanding and serious like a family from a reasonable level of common financial security. Not everybody is born an art lover or an art patroness, not everybody is born with the stamp of a Peggy Guggenheim ( who, btw, was oozing money ).
And : what do you really think : you say that you KNOW it will pay off soon. Then, immediately, you say it really takes a lot of time. Which one is it ?...
Your dilemma is lamentable , but very common. The artist wants to give himself / herself to art , the partner says " yes, but when are you going to get a day job " ?
If that is of any comfort to you, that's what happened to Gauguin too ( the painter ), that's why he run away to the Pacific Islands dumping wife and children.
I think sadly you are at a point where you have to make a choice, either your passion / art, or the trappings of a white picket fence dream.
If your art is what matter MOST in your life, regardless you can make money out of it or not, then I think you have to let this woman go. Or at least , agree with her on a make it or break it period ( .. if I am not being successful in one year... something like that ).
It's not FAIR of you expecting / demanding from her time, patience and support indefinitely. What about HER dream , of being a mother and a wife ? It's less artistic and passionate than yours, but it is as valid and worthy.
What if you make it the way you want it, even financially... in 5 years ? 10 years ? What is she supposed to do, twirling her thumbs waiting that your dream comes true, and neatly folding up hers ?....
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (5 May 2014):
 You have both been together for 5 yrs & that is some time together!
There seem to be a few issues of serious concern on both ends.
I would advise you both to sit down, give eachother your full, undivided attention & talk it all through, WITHOUT the need for any arguing, resentment or anger, no matter how difficult it may prove to be.
Yes, your gf must be supportive of what you do, if she is truly a loving & supportive partner, but you must also decide very concretely, as to whether you are truly serious about your wanting to get married & have a family with this woman, because you do not want to keep her waiting another 5 yrs, as silly as this may sound!
As she is in her 30s, she still has time to bear children & she may very well still be, even well into her early 40s, but i doubt she would wish to wait this long, nor should she be expected to & you really need to listen to her feelings regarding this.
So long as she is healthy/fertile, there is no reason why she cannot have children, even later in her life, but as she wants them very soon, you need to come to the party, or else you risk losing her to somebody who will provide her with her innate needs.
This will surely happen & as a woman myself, i imagine your gf, will think about moving on @ some point in the near future, if she feels/sees that her needs are not being met.
Why can't you do/have both?? You can still build your business & get married, but as you don't have plenty of cash, i imagine this may somehow bother/put pressure on you, especially if she puts you down where your business growth is concerned.
Also, you need/want to know that she is sincere enough about you, to want to marry you, even though you don't have much money, because as you say, money is not the most important thing within a relationship.
LOVE is what is most important & is what conquers all.
If you BOTH "truly" love eachother, then money should be secondary, not of primary concern, as this places way too much pressure on everything surrounding your relationship together.
You should also be fully supporting eachother & your gf, should not be putting you or what you do down, simply because she expects to have all her innate needs fulfilled.
You both must be fully respectful of eachothers needs.
This is another important tool within any union & it's called "compromise".
Perhaps if the two of you are experiencing such difficulties, why don't you both consider seeing a counsellor together, even for a short while, just to find some coping strategies??
I am unsure as to whether you can both see your GP together, to discuss if you could both get funding to see a counsellor together, but since your gf has money, she may not be eligible, but you may well be??
Or as mentioned before, sit down & discuss everything face to face & lay it all on the table, for once & for all.
You both need to know where you're both heading & as time is of the essence & time is precious, so you don't want to keep wasting precious time together.
You both need to make some serious decisions asap.
Good luck & let us know how you both go!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2014): When you say you are 'quite an artist' I'm not sure what that means..? Do you mean you actually are and artist or are a creative of some kind?I'm an artist and come into contact with a great many of them. Money is often a worry for those born in the UK but who feel so passionately about what they do that they struggle on regardless or, conversely, the art world is also increasingly 'middle class' these days because the majority of kids passing through art school these days are a. from very wealthy parents b. from abroad.Quite often, the way that artists 'pair up' is very, very interesting - almost like a Victorian drama - you can sense female artists figuring out how to get a rich husband to support them and male artists looking for similar from a woman - it is really quite a messed up situation a lot of the time. It's rare you will get two successful artists in one couple because there's competition built into that relationship, so very often a couple will comprise of one artist and the other half of that couple likes the passion and sensitivity that an artist has but, ultimately, DOES NOT have this themself AND only wants that passion and sensitivity when it is directed towards them, for their benefit. This is largely considered to be the exchange/trade-in and it causes lots and lots of problems.I've two male friends who I was at art college with who are incredibly sensitive, talented and just lovely men but full of insecurity and self doubt about their own ability. In each case a woman has turned up, from a wealthier background and often quite 'spoiled' and needy and lo and behold, not only are they not allowed to be my friend anymore, but the woman is very quickly dominating them one way or another - one guy ended up working full time for an IT company because his partner got pregnant and found a way to play on his insecurities - we had a great friendship but she was suspicious of my closeness to him and the fact that he felt he could really talk to me. Another male friend met a woman from a very wealthy background and a few months later, similar story - she became pregnant and I now rarely see him - he was so full of self doubt and at one stage I knew he wanted me to 'take him on' as a partner but I just didn't want the job of sorting him out, much as I loved him as a friend. He was a lovely, lovely guy but lacked confidence and she now basically dominates him entirely - in each case both guys have no identity anymore as artists.In another situation, an incredibly domineering woman with wealth AND determination to be recognised as an artist 'snaffled up' a very sensitive male friend who wanted to work in art conservation. Similar story again - he had to make a choice - serve her needs to become an established artist OR get out. She is such a vile woman that no-one really sees him anymore because of it. His entire life literally revolves around pleasing her.What I recognise from your post is not quite the same as these men I've known, but similar. You say you love this woman who is actually cruel to you - she says horrible things and is forcing you to cut off from your need to run with your creativity. She is showing ALL the early signs of being extremely domineering. You keep saying that you love her BUT - AND THIS REALLY IS CRUCIAL FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND - you love her as the person that you are now, but the person that you are now is not 'fully grown'. Let me give you an example: when I was 18 I married a man that I genuinely loved but who I couldn't see was very, very bad for me. My love was genuine, but the point is that I had not fully matured as a person and so my love, although genuine, was limited in the sense that it came from a very needy place of insecurity. I was dependent on him emotionally and he gave me 50/50 - that is a mix of sensitivity and care and downright abusive and horrible behaviour. The love that you have for this woman is, I am sure, testament to your ability to love someone and is shaped by what you are now. But my feeling is that you , yourself, need to grow and 'prove' to yourself that you can establish your own values through your creativity. The doubts that you have about her love for you will play and play and play upon your insecurities about yourself and you will keep trying to please her. But if this gets to the point where you surrender your own creativity and your own values then you will be forever dependent on her and she will literally take your sensitivity and passion and use it for her own advantage. This honestly is the way that it works - it's a bit like a form of narcissism, where the person involved lacks whatever it is that you have and they effectively extend their sense of self through appropriating your qualities. There is no real exchange or fair exchange. There is only well packaged domination, on her part, and your fear of recognising this for what it is because it hurts you to think you're not good enough or unloveable.In short, she's got you by the balls. Either hoik them back now. Or lose them.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (5 May 2014):
 Welcome to the world of being a man, and not having the gumption to plunge in to a lasting, serious relationship and/or marriage....
I note that you didn't have the same trepidation when it came to launching a business.
Did you consider that "advancing" your relationship is far LESS risky? ... AND, you have a built-in partner who will be as dedicated to the enterprise (the relationship) as you are???
Good luck..... with BOTH your business AND your love-life.
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