A
male
age
36-40,
*eedsdave
writes:Hi, I will try to start from the begging, 8 month ago I started a new relationship with toni who is love of my life. Before that I was in a relationship for 5 years with my ex Claire. It was a violent relationship on her part, she use to punch, kick me throw things at me. I had so many black eyes and cuts and bruises. She then cheated on me with ex, 3 years in to the relationship and she got pregnant. She decided she didn't want to keep the baby as she said it was a stupid mistake, I thought I have to give it a go for a month to see if things changed and they wasn't really but then she was pregnant again but this time with me. I know it was my fault for not having protection. Anyway we had our little boy and I wanted us to work but after he was born nothing had changed she was still violent and I couldn't bare it no more and the thought of our son would have seen that made me know it was time to end it. Break up was hard and difficult with a 5 month old and I turned to my work colleague toni and I feel in love with her. I moved house so that I was close to toni and everything was perfect. I am having my son stay round at mine every other weekend which is brilliant. Things were good, toni decided she wanted to get a new house a 3 bed so she had room for me and my son so she got a new house. I couldn't move in yet because my tenancy agreement was for 6 months. Think was great then one night we went out with one of Toni's friends and got drunk, had a brilliant night and we all went back home. I passed out on sofa as I was a bit worse for ware but then Toni's friend said she needed to get home. So they tried getting taxi but none available do toni decided to drive her home. She got stopped by police and she has had her licence taken off her. We decided that I would have to take her to work now because she worked 20 miles away from home and then I would drop her daughter off at school then I would go yo work. The first few weeks was hard and I got in trouble at work for been late all times but once we got used to the times it was ok. We'll I thought it was but toni has said she wants to split up after 8 month and said its because she has no independence and that I'm always there and not giving her no space. So she decided to end it, the bad thing is that I had already put my notice in to leave my house which I currently have 10 days left there and we already started selling my things like TV and sofa as we didn't need 2 of these. I love toni so much and I want us to try but she won't, she said her life has gone and needs space. Toni has shown me happiness that I never thought existed and now it's gone and I feel so empty and alone. I keep messaging her asking to reconsider but I think it's making matters worse. I just don't know what to do, any advice would be brilliant please
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at work, cheated on me, drunk, my ex, needs space, split up, violent Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (18 January 2014):
Honestly, I cant think of something that a woman would find less attractive than a man begging her to stay with him.
You must believe you are a guy with a lot to offer women, a guy in demand, and you should act like it. Do that, and soon you will have so many women after you, you will have to get a separate calendar just for your dating life....
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 January 2014):
 I don't get that- SHE gets in trouble with the police and gets her licence withdrawn, SHE needs a ride everyday which you kindly provide with personal sacrifice, and she complains she has lost independence ? And whose fault is it, I wonder. If that's such a big deal, she can take public transportation, or carpool with colleagues or ..rent a limo, I mean, she has to come up with her own solution, not blame it on you.
Yes, I realize it's not just about the car, - maybe you went too fast, you wanted not just a new gf, but a family feeling, a high level of closeness and intimacy and togetherness, and it's easy to get carried away with this stuff in the initial anthusiasm. After a while either one or both realize they don't want to be so fusional, they want some breathing space, spending time apart, seeing friends separately. Maybe all that the space is wanted for, is just to watch old TV reruns, or other " nothing special " stuff, but I totally get the wish to feel as just Toni, and not necessarily Toni the half of a couple.
If it were just that, you can work it out- you can simply NOT go live together, I mean , it's not mandatory cohabitating after just 8 months of dating, as a matter of fact I think ( and maybe Toni thinks ) it is quite early, what was the rush ?... If it's only that , she wants space and you give her space. Find some other living solution and just DATE. You can still date and be a couple also without being in each other's pocket.
Although, I must honestly say that IMO this is a 50/50 chances thing. I mean, either she REALLY just wants you to slow down - and in this case, do that, let her set the pace.
Or, " I want space " in the other 50% of cases is one of those kind platitudes like it's not you, it's me- a way to let you down easy without coming out and say brutally, look, I changed my mind, not only I don't love you, I don't even like you anymore and I want you out of my way.
But, you have a way to find out which one it is. If it is just some space that she needs, tell her you are OK with it, you understand where she is coming from, you'll respect her needs and re-start ,taking things slower. If she is not even cool with that... I am afraid that is not about space, it is about you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 January 2014):
I too am now going through the pain of knowing my girlfriend probably wants to end it because she feels that she wants to have more independence. She dropped that one on me last night from absolutely nowhere. But there we are.
My advice to you is the same as it is to myself. If your girlfriend wants to end it, so be it. Don't beg, don't get on your knees. Accept it, and move on. Yes, it's painful because this woman showed you happiness and now you feel terrible and alone. But, from a realistic point of view, if she wants to end it because she's not happy in it, then she's doing you a favour in the long term because you will be able to find someone else who will make you just as happy, but will also love you. There is no point in being in an unhappy relationship.
In the meantime, your son comes first. So get a house sorted out asap, even if it's a short term rental, and make sure your son is top priority. A house and your son must come first. Focus on that, whatever else happens.
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