A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need advice from the outsiders.As a summary, my girlfriend and i have been together for a year and a half now. A few months ago, we were on holiday to an exotic island, i pop the question, she said yes and we were all happy. At the end of our trip, she cried and told me she had to be honest that she slept with someone else when we were seeing each other.Long story short, when we first met, i told her i would've been leaving in a month and she still agreed to spend that month with me even though knowing there might be no future. Things grew and she started crying a lot when the end day was coming close. She introduced me to her friends as her gf. Then, she told me a friend was going to sleep at her place over the weekend and they before planned to have some intimacy fun but she told me she would not do it now as we were seeing each other. She told me nothing happened. Back to the point, she confessed that she did sleep with that friend once cos she was sad that i was leaving and she tried to forget me. I told her and myself that we weren't exclusive to each other, no need to say sorry. However, that ugly truth that i wish she hadn't told me, actually burnt down that one month memories together. She said she had to be honest as a fiancee and she needs this to have a future with me in honesty. Also she promised that never again as she realised after that mistake she realised i was the one.I don't quite trust her anymore and part of me still believes when she's weak and sad, she would look for sex with somebody else. She's done a lot for me and be there for me and be patient to wait for me. Logically i know people all make mistakes and i should let it go. However, anytime something reminds me of that one month together, i then start feeling so ugly, awful and disgusting thinking of them sleeping together. She's working hard for our future together and i love her dearly. I just want to know how to get over it completely.Thanks for reading.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for all your input. I forgave her as i know i have no right to judge her when we were not exclusive. Before that friend of her was coming, i even told her if they had romantic plan together, i wouldn't mind. She didn't dare to tell me at that time because she didn't want to lose me forever even though she didn't know where the future would lead.I know it's just the hurtful feeling that will need time to digest. I love her and i won't let her go because of it. You are all right. We all make mistakes. I don't want to bring it up with her about her mistake cos that's not how a grown up does with their loved ones. Perhaps i'm too stubborn with some memories. I just freak out how to get over the feeling sometimes. But i know time will heal. And she said she will take responsibilities and work with me to build up the trust in me again. Anyhow it's good to hear input from the outsiders. It clears my mind better. Thank you all.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 February 2016):
 The only mistake that she has made here is lying to you and telling you she didn't have sex with her friend. So yes I can understand you having some doubts now about loyalty and trust. She should never have lied.
It will take time to get over this. You need to work together to build this relationship back up. But first I would hold off on the engagement until you work through your issues.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2016):
What makes something cheating is the deception. If you have to defend something with technicalities then its not really defensible IMO.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 February 2016):
 Your girlfriend slept with someone else when you were seeing each other... with no title, no committment, no exclusivity, and you going away without any exact plan or promise to make things last.
In this light, I don't even agree that she made a mistake- or , to be precise, she can call it that, if she wants , and if she regrets having indulged in a comfort fuck, but not you. At the time, you were ... a guy that she was seeing , title that does not give you any title to expect faitfhulness, or even coherence and consistence, as for that.
Then, things changed- and you want to emit retroactive laws.
Your worry, now, is that , since she dropped her pants that time that she was sad , she could do the same next time she will be sad. But there's a difference, a single , uncommitted girl has the right to cure her sadness the way she wants, ( although, don't get me wrong,... I agree it's not the smartest method, and girls perhaps should stick to the true and tried cure for sadness : sobbing on the shoulder of best female friend, and consuming a pint of Hagen-Dazs ). While, as a woman in a committed relationship , she gave up that right completely and voluntarily. Now she KNOWS that when she is sad she must do something about it, which cannot involve other men.
I have to say that it does not sound as if you have a great opinion of your girlfriend. You assume that she can't be true to her word, that cannot respect her committments, and that she will be inevitably swayed by her emotions toward acting wrong in times of stress .
I wonder why- have you found her so far prone to bemd the truth, take her word back, disrespect her committmenst and obligations ( not only to you, but, say, in terms of her work, or with her family etc . ? ) No? Then, she won't drop her pants if she gets sad, because now she is your gf, which then was not.
I feel that this line of reasoning won't make even the smallest dent in your mental attitude, because alas , often when people starts having your kind of doubts and thoughts, it means they have developped or are developping Retrograde Jealousy- which has a big affinity with the mental disturbances in the family of OCD, theerf ore it is impervious to reason, and hard / impossible to shake off without the help of a professional therapist.
So, it's up to you. Don't make rash decisions here aand now, it could be that right now it's the shock and the disappointment talking, of having to reframe your mental images, and your memories. It was asurprise, and not a pleasant one, so probably it's normal that you need a little time to digest it.
But if in a reasonably short time, you find yourself still obsessing about this episode, still nable to get over it, and still embittered - then, please do the right thing, let her go. If you hang on, you'd make miserable yourself by obsessing, and her by implicitely or explicitely resenting her and reproaching her for something... that wasn't even really your business to begin with.
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A
female
reader, goldie22  +, writes (3 February 2016):
Look we do all make mistakes, granted that cheating on someone is a big one, the real question is can you forgive her and move on? If you think you have it in you to do this then put the past behind and don't bring it up again. If you feel that what she has done is unforgivable and you aren't going to be able to go through life without constantly worrying or bringing it up then is a life lived in that way worth it? If you are going to get through this then you need to learn to trust her. If you are able perhaps consider couples counselling/ therapy. It's worth as a go if and only if you want it to work. The ball is in your court as the saying goes. Good luck x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2016): if .you were only together for a month and knew that you were going away and it wasnt exclusive, then it seems premature to pop the question and to expect more.If you want to upset yourself keep thinking about the night she spent with another friend, but if you want to be realistic you should ask yourself why you should have expected her exclusively when the relationship was looking so deadended.i would hazard a guess that she isnt the only person that you have had sexual activity with in your life.you are both in early stages of romance and expected very little from each other,If you went on a two week holiday and then suddenly expected it to last a lifetime you would know that is a sudden and unexpected adjustment that is unlikely to materialise.So it is with romance , you cant suddenly change the rules.Its probably better not to rush things even though in a month you can feel as though you have really got on well, you both had a ticket to another destination at the end.So if you cancel all other ventures and aim for exclusivity this would count as part two.Earlier was introduction.But let the romance go if you think its time to move on because that was your preplanned second move anyway
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A
female
reader, Tottochan  +, writes (3 February 2016):
I'd have to disagree. She didn't have to tell you the truth about what had happened, but she chose to. I think that is a huge plus point.It is understandable that you feel bad. This is the time where the two of you have to speak together and get through this. Earlier, she had said that she wasn't planning on being with the other girl and she also told you that nothing happened, when in fact, something did. So this is something that I guess could be a nagging thought. Tell her that you expect complete honesty from her, and that you would give the same to her.How to get over this.. I would suggest talking about your fears. Tell her that come what may, whatever she may face, she should come to *you* to resolve the issues. You both are in this together, for the long haul.It'll take some time to get over your feelings of hurt, but remember that she told you the truth and it is you that she wants to be with for the rest of her life.If you've decided to forgive her and move on, then leave her past where it belongs - in the past.All the best.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (3 February 2016):
What are you trying to get over?? It was already over the moment she slept with someone else. You are not married,nor have kids together, home, and so on. In other words...Lucky you. Would have sucked big time if she did that after you were married.
We are all given a chance to pick the right one to settle down with. She picked someone else. You can sit there and feel bad and beat yourself up, or...go find a woman among the millions out there looking for a good man. Choice is yours.
Do you really want to be in a relationship where you have to worry every time you "leave"? She was sad, and her pants came off. When you found out, I bet you had all kinds of feelings going through you...was one them to have sex??? Bet not.
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