A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My son 21 and we have a great mother and son relation but my girlfriend always finding fault in our relationship. Because my son tells me I'm his number one woman in his life and he's the only child i have and we can talk about everything, my girlfriend tells me i need to put him in his place because that's not a healthy relationship we have. That I need to tell him to find him a number 1 lady. Need suggestions please Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2014): Google Oedipus Complex. Food for thought.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2014): Having spent 18 years with a mummy's boy who was, behind the scenes, abusive and violent due to being emotionally immature and at once adoring and hateful of the strings his mother still had him attached to, I would say take note of what your girlfriend is saying.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2014): There is no evidence offered in your post that allows anyone to make a judgement here one way or the other. I can't see why your girlfriend would interfere with the close relationship you have with your son? He adores you and says you're number one. My mother was number one to me too. You get only one mother!
Such comments coming from people are full of terrible implications. I would consider it an unhealthy relationship for a girlfriend to be jealous of your son. To say such a thing is quite nasty. The worse implication meaning incestuous. Unhealthy? Did you have her lay-out all the details on how she meant that?
You have no reason to defend your close relationship with your son. You do have to address her directly for insulting you to your face about it. If she has a problem with it, you should kick her judgmental-ass to the curb. Girlfriends will come and go. Your son is for life. You're apparently a very good mother, and he paid you the highest compliment.
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (27 December 2014):
Dear OP,
We can't judge who is right or wrong here over the internet, but some considerations.
I grew up in a family where my dad was in love with my mom, and us kids had our own place in our child world. There was bedtime and the grown-ups wanted to be alone, without us. They were happy that we were gone. They didn't need us. They had their secrets. I would have never, ever in my life considered my father as my number 1 man, or my mother as my number 1 woman. At the age of 21, I desperately wanted to move out, find myself somebody to love and have sex with. I had my secrets from the grown ups and I definitely didn't trust them with intimate issues. I found them old and conservative.
While I am not saying that it "should" be this way, this is my background and therefore, I also find it weird that your son says you are his number 1 woman.
He is 21, at that age it would be very embarrassing for most young men to say something like that. They might feel like that deep down, okay - but it's not a socially acceptable thing to say, really.
At 21, most guys desperately want to make their experience with women their age, they are consumed by sexual and romantic urges.
BUT we also have to consider that your girlfriends' view is unique, too. She is in love with you. And while she has no children of her own, she has to watch you and your son, and the emotional bond between the two of you, every day. It's possible that even if your relationship is healthy, your girlfriend might get jealous. She will always feel excluded to a certain degree. And the dynamics of him being a young man might contribute to the difficulty. He brings the male energy into the house, maybe a certain rivalry for your attention, too. I can tell you that the role of a step-parent is a difficult one, that's why in the fairy tales the step-mothers are depicted as evil. It might not be "evil", but this role is very ungrateful to play.
My advice would be to take seriously what your girlfriend is saying, as a signal that even though your mother-son relationship has been of great support for the both of you, the bond maybe needs to loosen up now. Your son has been given roots, now he also needs the wings to take off.
It may not be "unhealthy" yet that he's staying in his nest, but it's starting to be time that your son orientates around a different woman. Instead of putting him in his place by force, which would be destructive, you can start to encourage him to do his own thing.
For instance, you could plan holidays where you and your girlfriend travel alone, while he can have the apartment, or travel with his friends. You can spend some time with your girlfriend alone, and plan time for your son, but don't be always available for him, as if he was still a child. Also, I think it's not appropriate to discuss intimate issues with your son. They should be between you and your girlfriend. SHE is now the number 1 woman in your life and you are HER number 1 woman.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (27 December 2014):
 My son (27) and I are very close. We lived in a household where his father (my ex husband) was an alcoholic. We watched his dad drink himself almost to death (refused help). We have been through so much together because there was no one else but us. We can talk to each other about anything but we each are independent and have our own lives. I know I am very important to him, as he is to me but I would never give him advice unless he asked for it (which he does occasionally). I think our relationship is very healthy and I would be upset if anyone suggested we were "too close".
Are you sure your girlfriend isn't jealous?? Many men are close to their mothers! It doesn't make their relationships strange or weird. I would be seriousl wondering what is up with your girlfriend!
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (27 December 2014):
I agree with the answer from anonymous male, there seems to be nothing unhealthy about your relationship with your son. Why shouldnt you be close to him?? Hes your son after all! It sounds like your girlfriend is jealous of your closeness, it is some kind of insecurity. Tell her to back off, girlfriends come and go but he will always be your son.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 December 2014):
 You say you can talk to him about everything. That to me sounds like a friendly relationship between adults, and not the relationship of a mother and son. Telling your child everything and treating then as if they are adults is harmful to children, and robs them of their childhood. But, you dont mention how old your child is, wether or not he lives with you, or give any details at all. So its really hard to give you advice as we know too little about your situation.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 December 2014):
 I don't think you have an unhealthy relationship just because he says that to you. A mom *is* the number one woman in a son's life until they find Ms. Right.
You both aren't acting inappropriately like flirting and stuff. I know! It sounds absurd, but I've seen it happen and it grosses me out!
You're not acting territorial and guilting him into NOT finding a girlfriend, right?? Many moms can get that way when they hear about some girl their son cares about, and they go into "no one's good enough for my son" mode, tearing down or making snide comments about a girl just because she's competition for the one that she's confiding in.
It would be unhealthy if you're relying on your son to meet your emotional needs. That happens a lot in single moms as their kids get older. Somehow it switches, and they start drawing emotional support from their kids (like their son) to the exclusion of every other relationship in both the parent's life and the child's. We still have to be guides for our kids, even when they grow up. Our parent job never stops.
Your relationship would become unhealthy if you consciously or unconsciously hinder him from finding his number one lady (girlfriend or wife). He'll start confiding in that woman when he falls in love. Won't mean he'll love you less, but that is the true test of the health in your relationship. If you're coddling your son, over-spoiling him, all of that, then it's unhealthy because it becomes more about you getting emotional gratification rather than helping him be independent in this world.
Does he live with you? Does he work? Is he in school? Have you taught him how to live in this world, self-sufficient and self-reliant? If he gets into a financial pickle, are you always bailing him out, even if it's something caused by a mistake of his??
Hard questions, but I'm curious if your friend says this for more reasons than just his "number one woman" comment.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2014): If your girlfriend is trying to undermine your son by telling you that's not healthy relationship you have with him, then that's not a healthy relationship you have with her.
Girlfriends come and go, family is forever.
Dump her.
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