A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi im a gay woman in my 30s and engaged to my girlfriend who i dont live with but i do stay most nights and go home a couple of nights a week because she did want space and not to live together until were married which is all fair enough. i know all relationships need space. thing is though i would meet her from work most days or you can go in the shop anytime so i used to stay there a while but we cut that down which is fine due to her working so cant keep hanging about her work place cafe. anyway i cut that right down and she said i can meet her at the flat and just come to the cafe buy a drink for about an hour instead of hours which is fine but now she has even cut that out and says it feels like we live together. she didnt want me to walk her to work today and said it feels like were living together and she wants to walk to work on her own. i have said do you still want to be with me and she has said yes she does love me does want us to get married next year and does miss me when apart. always phones me on her break and happy for me to meet her at her flat let me have a key. she does seem to run hot and cold but is very loving towards me and sexual but has cut the time down that we spend together. what does all this mean?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 October 2014):
 I think she feels smothered. I know I would. It's just too much.
Give her time during the day to MISS you and to LOOK forward to seeing you at the end of the day. Hanging out at her job is NOT OK, because she is there to work. To be professional, NOT to entertain her fiance who is? bored? overbearing?
Don't have have any hobbies? Friends? I mean if it's too much for her now, WHAT will happen when you marry?
Sit her down (after work, NOT AT work and talk) Being a couple doesn't mean let's HOT-GLUE our hips together!! YOU can still enjoy hangin out with friends, taking a class, having hobbies, and SHE should be able to do the same. Right now with you hanging out for HOURS at her work, you just don't let her breathe, you are cramming yourself down her throat. And that will make MANY people back off a little. Don't make YOUR whole world revolve around your partner, that is not healthy for either of you.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 October 2014):
 It means that you were spending way too much time together. She only said it seems like you are living together ? you are lucky, I think many other people could also feel as if they have on of those anklets on for electronic surveillance of house arrests prisoners.
You see each other at her place almost every night, you have daily contacts, she calls you during breaks , she is sexual , loving and affectionate- enough ! Let her breathe !
She wants to marry you, not to merge with you. She wants to have something to talk about, something to tell you about her day... how can she do that if you are THERE almost 24/7 ? And just because she works in a cafe' and if you order they can't kick you out, do you think it's fair that you stay there for hours, distracting her and deconcentrating from her job, and making her the laughingstock of her colleagues ? ( And probably , just looking at her wistfully like a dog looking at an unreachable bone when she is busy and can't look at you / stop by your table / talk to you ? )
And walking her to work each and every day too ? So, ideally you'd see her before work, at work and after work EVERY DAY- and phone calls in between I suppose.
Then she is not " running hot and cold "- she is fighting for breathing space !
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (8 October 2014):
 I'm sorry, fiancé, not ex. My bad.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (8 October 2014):
Maybe I'm missing something, but I can relate to your ex. I don't really see much reason to have to be at her place of employment all the time or to walk her to work every day. If you see each other most nights after work and spend ample time together, it seems perhaps you are smothering her? I would say I may be inclined to feel the same way if my gf (also gay) did those things. Just cut out the going to her work all together. She seems to love you. Just doesn't want to feel like you're overbearing.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (8 October 2014):
Dear OP,
This can mean two things:
1) You're too clingy for her and she feels that if you two should have a future together, you need to give her space.
I completely understand if she doesn't want you around her at her workspace or when going to work/coming from work. She's a grown up woman and needs time to do her job, and also to mentally prepare for work, or recover after a long day. It's not good if one partner always changes plans and adapts to the needs of the other, so it may be important that you stop waiting for her, accompanying her all of the time and seeing her as soon as she wants you to. Keep your independency.
2) She gets more and more distanced from you, because there's something seriously wrong with the relationship, and she's just denying it because she wants to avoid trouble.
I think this could also be possible, because she keeps "cutting down" the hours where you can meet, while it's possible that she enjoyed the closeness before. Also, to say that she "needs space" is a totally vague explanation and to say she loves you etc. might just be words to calm you down. She might even have an affair, for all I know.
Either way, to be honest I think to keep this living arrangement might mean trouble for your upcoming marriage. To know if the two of you can live together is something you should be sure of before you get married! So no, it's not "fair enough" to refuse living together with the person you intend to marry. It's a red, very red flag to me.
My advice is to really sit down and have an honest talk about why she's changed and how she imagines your future together. It doesn't sound like you are happy the way things are and you should take this seriously. If you two can't deal with closeness and distance in a more mature way than avoiding each other, it's not the right time to get married.
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