A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My bf of 4yrs and I are currently on a sort of "break". It has been about a month now. The reason for the break is something very minor and working towards repairing our relationship. Today I logged into my other laptop and I realised that he'd not logged himself out of facebook. (I have two laptops so when he was at my house, he sometimes used my other one which I do not use as often) Of course, YES I know it is wrong and I shouldn't have done it, but I couldn't help myself.Anyway, I found an email exchange between him and his mother where his mother is basically tell him what an awful person I am. She said that I have mental issues and that no man will ever want me and that I will never be happy in life. She said that I will never find a man to be with and that I will be alone and miserable forever. She told him that he should not even try to be friends with me because it is not good to be friends with someone with mental issues. (I actually have NO idea what these supposed mental issues are!)Then she tells him how ever since I have been in his life, I made his life worse and I never did anything for him. (Bearing in mind that he lived with me for nearly 2yrs, was not working, I pretty much did everything for this guy- now I got him back into university, was always helping him with him homework, cooking, cleaning for him, arranging his life etc to get the position that he is in today). And pretty much that I am almost the worse person in the world.SO of course, this is all very hurtful. Esp so as his mother has always pretended to be so nice to me and even always seemed to take my side. And now I realise that it is all so fake and the past 4yrs of relationship with her was all lies.And of course, he was agreeing with her with everything she was saying (Despite over the past month trying his best to get back with me) Which makes him just as fake as her. He is currently abroad and was planning to fly me there in about a month's time and his mother told him not to. That it would be a waste of money and he agreed with her.I feel so absolutely hurt and upset by this. Yes, it is my own fault as I should not have snooped, I should have just logged him off. And I can not even confront him about this as of course I can not admit to this. What should I do now? I am just so very heartbroken by both of their cruel terrible words about me!Furthermore, how should I act when I hear from him again? What should I do if he is still talking about us being together or flying me there still (Despite now knowing what I know?) Please help
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female
reader, BellyDancerAme  +, writes (9 October 2014):
 I see you have lots of posts already a lot saying you shouldn't have looked and other saying ditch him. Honestly the same happened to me but my boyfriend was open with me about it all. The problem his mother has narcissism, I won't go into much detail as dimly google it and it will tell you all about it.What brought me to this is the accusation of you having mental problems, this is typical of a narcissist as they put there faults onto others. Also if your partner has a sibling you may find a "scapegoat" and "golden child" scenario however if your partner sees nothing wrong with his mother then unfortunately he could be the "golden child" try cannock be changed and forever will take their mothers side even against life partners. Unless you want to fight for him continually and he will do the same for you, get out, it sounds harsh but it only gets worse and you can't change them. I have been involved in my current relationship so 6 and a half years and as my fiancé is the scape goat he hates him mom and recently we had to get the police involved as she began to harass us at our home. I'll leave you this link http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.htmlIt may just be a crazy coincidence that our stories match, (she was lovely to me when I first met my future mother in law) but so your own sanity read up.I hope this helps, good luck in what you decide
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 October 2014):
 I think the real problem is not what mom said about you, it's what HE said about you.
My impression is that there's never a lot of love lost between mother in laws and daughter in laws, they are like natural enemies, like moongooses and snakes. The best of MIL in the back of her mind always thinks that her son could have done better. They choose to hide their un-appreciation , or flat out disapproval, because there's nothing to do but concede defeat, or because they hope that in time the son will see the light and change his mind, and in the meantime they prefer not to rock the boat and cause arguments. You can call this being fake, other people would call it being practical, or diplomatic , or even polite : the point being, you should not be too surprised. Although, I am sure, she was laying it on very thick in order to please, appease and comfort a lovelorn or disgruntled son.
The problem is, that he is quick to agree with his mom, quick to give her more rope... either he actually agrees with her, or does not think it's worth the trouble taking your side, and , at leat reminding mom ( and himself ) of your good points and all the help you gave him.
But, forget what he says, it's what he did. ( And what you let him do ) . He did take you for granted, he did leech of you, emotionally, practically and financially
( this last one, I'll never understand it - what are you gals, all Ivana Trump , to support and feed young but grown up men who should be perfectly able to support themselves ? ). He got back on track, and he started balking, sulking, and needing space and needing
" breaks ". What a coincidence .
He's basically done with you. that he may want to fly you over, I guess it's because you are known, safe, comfortable, something to fall back on- the unknown, also in terms of dating, is always a bit scary , a bit challenging, and an emotionally lazy guy will play it safe and won't let go of the old until he has firmly secured the new. But, all in all, it sounds you are / were already on your way out . I mean, you don't even know IF he will actually contact you, that must say something , I guess.
What do you do if he does get in touch ? Possibly, a class act. What 's the point, ultimately, in kicking up a big fuss based on " she said that you said that she said that I said... " . The mom does not like you ( which, anyway, would not be a big problem, IMO ). HE does not like you, he goes away, wants breaks, badmouths you behind your back, and does not bother defending you. What do you want from this mother and son odd couple ?... Let them go, let them be, and let yourself move on and find someone better , someone who does not need Florence Nightingale to fix him up, or, worse, a meal ticket. If he contacts you, tell him that you are not interested, you are not going back, you are moving on with your life, goodbye.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 October 2014):
 There are no such things as "breaks". If you need to take breaks, then your relationship is done. Now, you've truly slammed the nail in the coffin because of the saying, "Don't ever try to unearth a secret, because it will change your life forever".
You can't go back now. You know what they think of you now. I'm sure it's a bit of ego-soothing his mom was doing with him, but now it's really over between you two.
Time to make the break permanent. A break-up is a Nuclear event. You can never take a "break" and expect that to repair your relationship. That's like repairing a windshield with a claw hammer.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 October 2014):
 Well, if you don't want to know what people think/feel about you, don't snoop.
I think this is a kind of Karma, yet I can imagine how hurtful it must be.
Now the MOM could be trash-talking you to boost him up or she is a total faker. And IF he so willingly agrees with him, I don't see why you would WANT to be with him. My guess is the mom doesn't want to realize/accept how MUCH her SON actually have YOU to thank for. Because that would make her son a sort of loser who couldn't DO these things for himself. She is in mommy-mode. She thinks her son deserves the "cream of the crop" not because he is AWESOME, but because HE shares her DNA.
So really IGNORE the e-mail you read. DO not take it for the Gospel that the mom thinks it is. YOU know better.
Honestly, I'd be as dignified as possible, and if he gets in touch tell him, I don't think you ever really appreciated me and I think you took advantage and took me for granted, I'm done with that, because I deserve better. And then, honey.. YOU cut the contact 100%.
Because HE did take you for granted and he DID take full advantage of a GF who supported him for 2 years emotionally, with a home and financially... And now that he is ON track with his life, he no longer NEEDS you so the relationship ends.
You can DO better and you deserve better.
There is no way you would WANT to be with this guy? I mean seriously? Ungrateful bastard.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (8 October 2014):
 Don't beat yourself up about taking a look at his facebook message. I actually think it was your guardian angels that led you to the truth. Heed their warning. If a man did that to me, I would cut him out of my life for good. It means he does not have your back. If you decide to stay with him, can you ever look at him the same way again? Can you ever trust him again? Don't be afraid to tell him the truth about your discovery. Don't be afraid to tell him what you think of him now. Don't protect him. Protect yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2014): You read a private conversation between two people giving opinions you weren't supposed to see nor hear. Your explanation for how you come-about the information is creative, but it's still snooping to peel away protective layers to get into someone's most private information. If it was a good thing, you'd get something good out of it.
If you're separated and on a "break?" That is due to unresolved problems between you. Lack of a line of communication. When you are upset with someone, you're not always kind when speaking of them in secret to someone you want to be on your side. Protective-mothers will always take the side of their children. They will often tell them the person of their choice is not good enough for them. They have biased opinions; because they gave birth to that person. Even if that person is a certified sonofabitch, or a bitch. They share DNA!!!
She was boosting his self-esteem; because he came to "mommy"
to kiss his booboo like we do when we scrap our knees, or if we get picked on by mean kids. Her job is to make us feel better and shift our minds from the pain to healing.
If you peeked into their private world, you got burnt for it.
She may only have been in mother-mode, and perhaps she does have a negative opinion of you. Not knowing any of you, we aunts and uncles can't say the lady formed all these nasty opinions for absolutely no reason. There are different sides to every story. This is your post, they don't get to snoop and read it. If you don't want him to, be sure to delete it!
Maybe it is all based on crazy stuff you've said and done in anger that he discussed with her in past secret discussions. This is what you get, when you come in on the tail-end of a conversation. We all tend to exaggerate to our friends and family, when looking for empathy and allies. He may have told her a lot of stuff about you after a fight; expecting what he said to stay between the two of them. She may be assuming you may be planning to dump him, she is trying to protect his feelings. What would you expect? He's her son! She knows what it feels like to get dumped, and she knows what heartbreak feels like. She's been there and done that!
Mothers are fierce and brutal when protecting their cubs. Their instincts are so strong they may fight to the death, if it comes down to protecting their young from harm. She isn't going to be sympathetic to the woman who is breaking her son's heart. She is very much aware of everything you've done for him. She is also aware of everything you've done and said to him, apparently. Being mean or cruel when angry comes back to bite us, that's our karma.
He is a man-child, and perhaps this is a sign you must move on. If he has poisoned her mind, it isn't likely you will ever change it. If he didn't come to your defense throughout this conversation; then you have more reason to consider whether your relationship is salvageable.
If he and mommy think you are crazy, and will never get another man; there's your challenge. Dump the baby-man, seek your self-improvement, and prove them both wrong. Don't take the things they said literally, but use them as a motivation for self-improvement. Making ourselves a better person should always be a work in progress. If others notice bad things that we can repair or improve, than turn a negative to a positive. Use it to become better, and find someone better for yourself.
There is a reason for the dateless metaphor "curiosity killed the cat!" Stories about opening a Pandora's box; or seeking, and ye shall find! There is also a reason for the saying: " what goes around, comes around."
Now maybe you can decide whether or not your "break" should become a "breakup."
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (8 October 2014):
I am not entirely sure what you are asking but I would say that this is a relationship deal breaker. Your bf obviously has a lot of growing up to do and his parents do not like you. I have no idea why you should continue to entertain the thoughts of interaction with them. If I were you I would severe all ties. He's a big boy I'd hope he can take care of himself without asking his mommy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2014): Forget about him, move on and find someone worth your time and energy.
It sounds like he's the sort of man that agrees with people when they say bad things but doesn't truly believe them when he's alone. And if he is, do you really want him around?
If he talks about getting back together, be blunt and say no, don't let him walk over you and talk about you like that. Forget about him. He said to his mother than you weren't working and that you weren't worth his time, so why waste yours on him?
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