A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together a year and have lived together for 8mos. We have set up a cozy little house and love spending time together as a couple. We basically have the "perfect" relationship (if there is such a thing, I think you get my point though). We both have good jobs ( he runs his successful family business) he just sold another house of his and is more than financially stable, we are both in our 30s. Both have had plenty experience in the relationship department in the past. Both families love the other. As I said all the circumstances surrounding our relationship point towards a healthy future. We both have talked about "when" we get married, or when "we" have kids. So the thought of a future together has been well established. Anyway... In the last 4mos, five mutual couples have either gotten married or engaged. So naturally the question comes up about us. At first I didn't pay much mind to it. I'm secure in our relationship and would never want to pressure him. But lately it's been lurking up on me. I'm getting disappointed and upset. We just came back from an amazing 2wk vacation in Europe and I thought for sure he would pop the question while we were standing under the Eiffel Tower. But... Nope! Everyone (including both sets of parents) are wondering when is he going to do it?! I try to blow all this off and not even mention my feelings because the last thing I want is for him to feel pressure from myself, and family and friends. How do I cope with this?! I know he will ask in his own time. And I love the life we have together. But as typical as it sounds "my clock is ticking!" I'm 32 and he just turned 30. We want a family, I feel like there won't be much time for that if we don't get a move on this! I'm surprised myself how this has just suddenly exploded in my head. And a bit ashamed. How do I put these thoughts back where they belong and continue building on our relationship?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 October 2014):
 Why did you move in together after just 4 months? That's barely enough time to know if you squeeze the toothpaste tube in the same way, let enough to know if you are actually compatible enough to live together?
If you were that certain he was a good match for you then why are you so anxious? Is it that you are comparing yourself to people around you?
When you say "we want a family," does that mean he's said he's ready to start one? Or is that the more vague thought about what could happen in the future?
You say you have talked about "when" you get married or "when" you have kids. Have you asked him what that time frame for him looks like? That's a fair question as you live together and perhaps one that ought to have been sorted out before the move in date....
So you are feeling pressure to get married and have kids. Is that emanating from within or is that because you are watching friends go through the process?
It's only been a year that you've been together. Granted you are older and presumably wiser and should have a good handle on what you want and don't want. So, ask him. "We've talked about 'when' we get married or have children. Did you have a sense of what age you would be when that happened?"
Look, asking the guy you live with about his future plans isn't controlling or presumptuous. I personally would have had that convo BEFORE moving in together but there's nothing that says you have to live together if there isn't a firm understanding about the future.
Woman up, talk to him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2014): You have to see this from a man's point of view, which isn't possible; because you're a woman.
He is not thinking about biological clocks, and he sees all the benefits you have at the present. Men think more in the present, and women see things as they should be in the future. He feels comfortable in the situation, and it is possible he is more practical than you're giving him credit for.
I know how women will respond to your question, so I will be the devil's advocate; and tell you how a man would see this. It's all speculation; but it is fuel for thought.
He is in no hurry to limit his "perceived" freedom by legalizing and institutionalizing your "emotional" connection. You've shared your lives and expenses up to now. This is more commitment and planning than most people can do at your age; and before they get married. Your finances are intertwined, you live together, and "you're" busy comparing what other people have and are doing. You have a lot, and share a lot already. Maybe they got married faster than they were prepared for marriage. For some, sooner to the alter, the sooner to divorce court!
Nothing but love and raw emotions should be the motivation behind a man proposing to his chosen mate. He isn't focusing on anything, but the emotional aspects when he is ready to do this. Men are not always that openly emotional; therefore, we are slower and less inclined to express raw emotion.
All your phases are falling into place. So he will decide when he is "ready" to ask you to marry him. Sorry, your anticipation isn't all that matters. It's not up to you to decide when he is "ready." Nor to choose the time and place. I don't care about parents, friends, or co-workers.
If you do marry, then I want you to comeback to this when these same people are pressuring you to pop out a baby; and it just doesn't happen by their scheduled deadlines!!!
I'm a tough bird, and I don't mind criticism or attacks for my advice. I'll give it to you straight. You do not want a man to ask you to marry him; before his mind is made up that he really wants to. Biological clocks and all that aside! You want that man to be so into you that he wants you in his life from now to eternity. Guys who aren't the marrying-type; do not do all the things your man has done up to this point. That comment is hard to dispute!
One year! Seriously?!!! ONE YEAR!!!
If he hasn't moved fast enough for you, who says you can't come right and ask him when he is planning to become your husband? Stop dancing around it. Most importantly, stop using what other people are doing as a gauge of where your relationship is going, or should be. They are different people, having different circumstances, and their timing is based on their feelings.
Which have absolutely nothing to do with what's going on with you two. If anyone cares to attack me for my bluntness, I can take it. I want to help you, and let you see more than just the "woman's" opinion on these things. Guys see it differently. Wedding preparations turn some women into bridezillas. If he has seen the behavior of some of these friends you've mentioned through their engagements; or talked to some of the grooms; he will proceed with caution. He should anyway. He hasn't known you that long, and he has already moved-in and opened his life and finances to you. Some might say, that in itself is premature. He hardly knows you.
He will also take the advice of his parents and other male role-models. Not to leave out his most precious saintly mother. Even if you claim they are pressuring him to marry, and they want grandchildren; you don't always know if you're necessarily the one they have in mind. Parents are good at putting on a face in-front of your significant other. They talk when they're alone in their own bedrooms. It might raise your eye-brows what you'd hear.
They also talk differently to their son, when you are not present. They may see what he can't in you. They evaluate you as a daughter-in-law through the eyes of experience; and a from a different and less biased perspective than your boyfriend. You don't want them to perceive you as pushy, you really really don't! His parents may be the influence on his reasoning for his taking his time. He sounds like a very smart man, and what he does is well-thought-out and well-planned. Deliberate. He's a catch, and has to be careful. Love isn't every woman's reason for marriage. Security is a huge incentive for many!
If he is dragging his feet. Good! It has been only a year. You want to be patient, but you also want to be sure the waiting is leading up to what you've prepared yourself for until now. A man's love and willingness to make you his permanent mate; is not based on your biological clock, or how many of your friends just got married. How about how much he is certain that you love him for who he is, not what he has? That he loves you as much as you love him? That you both are compatible and your lives together will be fruitful and harmonious, with or without children? That you both will feel the same for each other a week from today, as you feel today?
So allow the eager thoughts and feelings of anticipation to settle-down; but keep them safely in-mind. You are serious about him, and if you've come this far; everything will fall into place. I think you are being too influenced by weddings and the lives of others; and should focus on getting to know who you're in such a hurry to marry. Fortunately, he's in no hurry; so someone has to be practical between the two of you.
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