A
male
age
30-35,
*azzedUp
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together for 7 months. She and I have a great life together, she is two years younger than me and still in high school. Her best friend is a guy that I know likes her but in 7 months he hasn't tried to steal her from me. Well last week he asked her to be his date to the football banquet. He knows he has a boyfriend and that we are happy together. She asked me if I card if she went, but I have avoided the answer. I love her for asking but I am unsure what to do. Honestly I don't want her to go because I fear that it will open the door for the boy to think he can steal her from me, in the future if not the night of the banquet, but I know that if I say no she will get upset, question my trust in her and it will end in me being miserable and hating myself. Then again I figure I will be miserable with either outcome. She's been asking over and over so I finally broke and said I didn't care because I trust her but she didn't believe me. She says she knows I don't want her to go which is true but she wants to go so I am stuck. I don't want to tell the other guy "here take my girlfriend and fiancé and seduce her, I don't mind" but I know if it tell her I don't want her to go she will get upset at me. Can anyone help me?
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (17 December 2012):
 Jazz,
K C really nailed it when she said "If you want to be engaged to a teenager you are going to have to put up with this kind of thing I'm afraid!"
My analysis says she was pulling some BS cosmo test on you. Instead of the apologies I would suggest the following messages, in a face to face private conversation.
I love you.
I want you to be happy.
Your happiness makes me happy.
I didn't know you needed me to say no before you could be strong.
I trust you to be strong even in difficult situations.
Our relationship can stay strong if we both follow some simple rules for dealing with friends of the opposite gender. For example no being alone with them.
Generally I disagree with your kind of relationship. A girl in high school doesn't need a fiance', she needs friends. She is missing out on growing up to live a fantasy of already being grown up.
I'm a believer it getting married younger than the U S cultural norm but, to do it successfully both partners need a time living away from home doing their own shopping, paying their own bills, and living with roommates. I hope you are doing that. I hope you understand why she needs to do that.
FA
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (17 December 2012):
 I think you are going to have to apologise first for avoiding the subject for so long and apologise for lying as well - that was really dumb for you to say you didnt care!
Then you are going to have to be honest - tell her everything you have said here. Explain that you do trust her and dont want to upset her, but you worry that it will open the door for him to make a move in the future. Explain that hanging out as friends is cool and you dont have a problem with that, but going as his 'date' is a bit odd when she is in a relationship.
Dont say she can or cant go, tell her the decision is hers and you wont be upset if she chooses to go. Make it clear that you are more worried about him in the future, because you know he likes her as more than a friend.
It is not normal for a girl to hang out with a guy who fancies her, in a way she is leading him on by letting him remain close to her and that's not great. I'm sure she wouldnt like it if you were going to an event with a girl as her 'date' when the girl fancied you, she wouldnt be cool with that - so try and make her see it from your point of view and how she would feel if the situation was reversed.
But you cant force her not to go, if she wants to go then you are going to have to let her go. All you can do is make your feelings clear, that you are not comfortable with her being another man's date, especially when the man in question likes her as more than a friend.
FYI - the more I think about this the more I think your relationship is in trouble here. No girl who 100% loves her boyfriend would want to hang out with another guy who likes her, she would feel uncomfortable and wouldnt want to put herself in a situation where another guy could try something on with her. She sounds very immature and doesnt seem to care about your feelings at all, it seems more important to her to boost her ego by hanging around with the guy who likes her. If she chooses to attend this event as his date, despite you telling her your feelings, I would be VERY concerned that in fact she cares more about this guy than she does about you.
If she genuinely loved you that much, she wouldnt want to make you worry or hurt you, so there is no way that she would go if you didnt approve of it. But it seems pretty clear that she is going to go, regardless of what you think, and she simply told you to make you aware of it - she just wants you to say 'yes that's fine, have a great time'.
But then again, you are 19 and she is 17 - what do you expect from a teenager? You are both too young to be settled down, especially her - she is never going to give you the full respect and care you get in a normal relationship because she is simply too young to be able to do this. 17 year old dont do committment, and they always want their own way, if anyone challenges their 'way' they will get upset. It is classic teenage behaviour, wanting everyone to say their choices are fine and let them do whatever they want.
If you want to be engaged to a teenager you are going to have to put up with this kind of thing I'm afraid!
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