A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a somewhat new relationship. We've been talking for months and months, but only a few back actually made things officially exclusive. Anyway, my girlfriend has a tendency to keep to herself about things that bother her. She remains quiet and to herself (making it easy to know when she's upset). She's developed a way to bottle things up and refrain from sharing her problems with me. She feels guilty (she explained), she says she hates putting her issues on me, ignoring that I willingly accept them with open arms. All I want to do is help her when she's down, and she shuts me out cold. It makes me feel insignificant, or inadequate. She's been hurt before. Badly. And I can understand a distust to people. Cynicism is tough to have when in a relationship. Its as though she doesn't trust me enough to let me help her. Any thoughts on breaking through this wall? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Accountable  +, writes (18 November 2009):
 I'm not sure you should worry about her distrusting you - I used to be like this when I was first with my boyfriend, and it was more that I was insecure and thought I was getting upset over stupid things which I was scared to admit to than thinking he would dismiss me or whatever if I opened up to him. I completely trusted him, but I needed time to become comfortable with opening myself up to anybody, and as we became closer I found it easier. It helped that even after months of me becoming occasionally withdrawn, he didn't give up and kept telling me that as soon as I was ready, he wanted to know what was wrong and try to help me.I think that over time your girlfriend will become more secure with you, and start to invite you in - make sure you don't hassle (or become forceful with) her because this could make her feel more pressured, and consequently withdraw further.Good luck :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009): I have been hurt very much in my past as well, therefore do not trust many. Exactly how long have you been with this girl? I was with a guy almost 2 years and living together. It took me some time to open up, but once I opened up I was constantly telling him things in our relationship that needed to be worked on when we had problems. I think he was being ignorant for not wanting to talk about those issues with me, and always running away from reality! I always try to pick the best solution towards a problem there might be, but the thing is that your partner might not be trying as hard as you, or trying at all...which makes it very difficult to work with. We broke up today, and decided to be friends(AFTER close to 2 YEARS!!!)It's sad and I wish our relationship only got better but we had waaaaaaaayyyy too many problems. I'm living with him, but only as friends(and I'm thinking of moving out, but i'm not sure yet). I love him and don't know what to do. He told me himself that I could tell him ANYTHING and that he wished I opened up to him...because he wanted to know what was wrong. But I guess he couldn't handle the truth after some time. He started yelling at me, ignoring me and telling me I complained too much :( problem is I wasn't complaining...i was simply sharing by opening that communication door for him, but he closed that door. So I will never ever tell him what I'm feeling now. i will tell you this: give her some space and don't ask her about it anymore because she might feel threatened by your boldness. Just tell her she can come to you about anything and you're willing to help her. That's it... don't question her anymore. Time will eventually pass and she will open up to you comfortably. Just be patient, and ready for the truth from her point of view on whatever her issues might be, if it has to do with your relationship. Because her not opening up could also mean (she's scared of losing you, but she's also scared of loving you)--- More than likely that's it.
p.s. I really wish there were more caring guys like you, because you actually want her to tell you what's on her mind. You're a good person! I hate that people have no feelings towards their own partner in that area. What's the point of a relationship then?? get me?
Good luck and God bless!
Keep me posted about your problem
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A
male
reader, grubbyduckling  +, writes (18 November 2009):
You've been open and supportive of her, and still she's afraid to connect on that level with you. Try not to be insulted. There issue here IS trust, as you stated. Have you shared with her that it makes you feel this way? Regardless of what you say, or do, or how much you work to make her feel safe enough to confide in you, if she doesn't take the first steps then there won't be any improvements here. It's frustrating, isn't it?
You can continue to be patient, and letting her know that it's ok to let go, and I hope that works eventually. She may just realize it's okay and start talking to you. You can't assume that it will happen though, and you might not be able to tell when it will happen either. The bottom line is if she doesn't or can't get past her own issues, then you need to make decisions for yourself accordingly. Are you happy with someone who makes you feel this way?
Not to be insensitive, but maybe mention to her that she should feel more guilty for making you feel insignificant, or inadequate for not opening up to you, rather than feeling guilty for dumping her problems into your willing arms. What do you think? Goodluck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009): Just give her some time- she probably just needs to deal with things her own way. She's probably been like this her whole life, always a listener, but not used to talking. Give her time and she will begin to open up to you. I'm the same way as your gf- I just feel like I put a burden on the other person by talking about my problems or that I'm being selfish by sharing my issues. Especially since she's been hurt before, she is going to have a tough time letting you in. Again, be patient and kind. You can ask her about it, but if she won't talk about it then you just have to wait until she's ready. Getting her a journal to write her thoughts in would be a nice present for her. I think she just needs some time to feel comfortable and trust you- then she will open up.
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