A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend just recently left me. She danced around a couple of reasons such as her issues, she pushed me away, etc... But in the end she said I was a really great guy, a really great boyfriend, but she wants to be single. We dated for almost 11 months, and the last two (right before we broke up) she was away for 2 months as a counselor at a summer camp. Before she left we were extremely happy together, she always told me this and we were always affectionate, we loved each other, things were great. We were a great couple. While she was there she continued to say I make her so happy, she loves me, etc in letters. We had a few issues while she was gone (I actually have another post) that we would argue about. I started to feel like she was getting caught up (which was exactly what she left her last ex over, him getting caught up with the college and party scene) and this caused me to be a little insecure about her feelings for me. Because I noticed when she wouldn't write or call as much, or wouldn't say things she had always done. And she started to do things she always claimed she didn't. For 8 months she never drank, (which I wouldn't have a problem with as i do some, she just chose not to) and she claimed she didn't like to be around people that drank, but at camp she got caught up going out with some friends and would drink some. Anyways, she came back from camp and things were a little rough right from the get go. The first night she was back we almost hit the breaking point and she almost left. In the end, she stated she just wanted some time to herself and i left town and she said not to worry. I gave her that time and didn't contact her. When she got into town several days later we tried hanging out and at the end of the day she said she still wanted to be with me, but this summer she had pushed me away and walled me out some. She stated that she needed to take things slow for those feelings to resurface. She said it would be like we were starting to date. This was really tough on me because... we weren't just starting to date again...We had loved, and been extremely close. She was really happy spending alot of time with me, and spending the night several times a week, meeting each other in between classes, etc. So going back that far was messing with me. But I agreed, and told her what I needed also. The next day things were akward, but I hung out with her. I was down but i didn't say anything, I just hung out with her and tried to be happy. It started to bring her down and resent me for it. That night she told me I was a really great boyfriend, she'll never forget the memories, but she wanted to be single. She had stated that she had a lot of time to think this summer when she had been alone. I suspected this, and I suspected she had liked the taste of going out with friends, but I didn't understand because she had always stated she didn't like the party scene, getting drunk, etc. I feel like she's taking a step backwards in maturity, instead of the other way around. What I don't understand is how it's relevant to going out with me or not. I wouldn't keep her from doing those things if she wanted to go out with girlfriends. I would give her that time alone with them, I know it's healthy to have time with just your friends. And I would even enjoy going out with them if they wanted me to. She always told me to go out with my friends, and have a good time. I would do the same. But the whole time we dated she didn't have a lot of girlfriends here that she wanted to go out with. That's why i think now that she has a taste, she enjoyed it. I still don't understand why it gets in the way of us though. 2 nights after she left me, I run into her at a local dancehall that we met at... Talk about my bad luck. She was out with some friends from that camp. She was drunk. Which she had NEVER, not once, been with me. So I'm incredibly confused by this. And I'm hurting incredibly bad. One thing I learned from my last painful break up... is No contact. So that's exactly what I did from the very moment I walked out her door when she left me. I don't text, call, and I deleted her from facebook. I still love her. I want to speak to her so bad, and I miss everything we did together here at college. Everything reminds me of her, and no matter what I'm doing I'm just thinking about her. But I know that contact will hurt me more. (Especially seeing what she's been doing through facebook.) I can't help but think about that and her moving on. I want to get her back. That's why I'm not talking to her now. I feel like one of the reasons she may have left is because she felt smothered and I was somewhat pushy. (She had recently told me I need to relax some, and "lighten up.") The only contact I've had was running into her at the bar. I couldn't help myself and I did dance with her and shared a few words about her being drunk and how her friends liked the town, etc. It's now only been 4 full days since she left. I want to give her some time to think about things, and definantly dont want to bother her while her friends are in town (They are here for a week.) How should I proceed?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's been a little over 2 weeks since we broke up. Last Wed night, she came by we proceeded to talk about the relationship, in which she explained her reasons why she CAN'T be in any relationship right now. (She says she hasn't really been single, doesn't want ANY relationship right now because everytime she gets passionate about finding God, she loses that passion because she makes her boyfriend her priority. She wants to get a good relationship with God.) We said goodbye and she left on what seemed like a somewhat, "it's going to be a long time" fairwell. The NEXT day i run into her on campus. And she says hi, mentions she's tired, couldn't sleep the night before... and then we part. Just my luck. Now, I know of two different routes to different classes she takes, I know where she will be at certain times on certain days... And I can't help but think of that when Im walking by. Like looking for her.
Even worse... last night I go out to the dancehall I ALWAYS went to. I specifically DID NOT go on thursday because the day we talked she had mentioned she was going there thursday and somewhere else Saturday. I go Saturday, next thing I know she's walking up to me with a smile on her face asking what I'm doing here. We share a few words, and dance together. We part, and she comes around again and talks some more. We part for a while, then later a song comes on and she comes and grabs me and takes me out there and we dance again. The whole time, she's smiling, laughing when I spin her, etc. She says this to me... "My roomate told me I smiling so much with that guy I was just dancing with and I was like, 'That's my ex.'" ? She was also a slightly touchy fealy when wes were talking. God this messes with me so much.
Females here... If anyone has any insight as to what might be going through her mind, that would be appreciated.
It hurts me so much that she's doing all these things now that she ALWAYS said she didn't want to do, and never wanted to, or things she thought were stupid, and so she never did any of that with me. Like drink, (she had been drinking last night), or dancing a certain way, or wanting to go out alot. This dancehall is a place I used to always go with my buddies, we loved it. I actually met her there, because she was just starting school and there for the first time experience. Now... I feel like I can't go to this place that I loved, that I get away, and dance, and have a good time, because she will be there. And then my whole night is thrown off. (Not that it was great in the first place because I'm still torn up about all of this, and think about her ALL DAY, EVERY DAY no matter what I'm doing.) I love seeing her, I love talking to her as long as its nothing that upsets me, I LOVE holding her when we dance. It's like a drug, and inevitably I can't resist dancing with her. I miss her so bad. Dancing with her makes me feel so good... but not being her boyfriend, leaving without her, not being able to tell her I love her, and not being able to kiss her and say goodnight... and watching or hearing about her doing things without me... and wanting to do things with her so bad...is like a shot in the heart.
I don't text her or call her or anything, but I feel like I'm still just right there, by her side with all of these accidental encounters. So it's like I'm not having No Contact.
I feel so helpless in not only getting her back, but getting past this pain. Because I will always be reminded anytime I run into her. I've already seen her driving by several times, seen her on campus several times, and ran into her at the bar twice. In 2 weeks! It hurts me so bad. This close proximity is going to kill me.
I have strong urges to see her. I have strong urges to have her drop by, I have strong urges to drop by her place. I have strong urges to be able to talk about us and have her reminisce about the things that made her so happy, and talk sense into her. Make her see what she's throwing away. My head wants to be able to use logic to get through to her, but I know it won't work.
I still have her lingerie she bought for my birthday that she asked to have back. I have no intentions of keeping it, but I don't know if I should drop by and give it to her myself, if I should just leave it so I don't face her, or have her come get it. I don't think i should keep it any longer, as It would just prolong things. (Also a part of me just wants to throw it out as I think it would be wrong to use it with some other guy down the road when she got it as a gift for me. But she was upset when I had suggested this in the past.) I know Ill want to talk to her if I drop it by. What do yall think? Should I just do it as soon as possible? I have a chance tonight.
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (7 September 2010):
 Even after a recent breakup we often wonder what the ex is doing, so this is nothing but a "keeping tabs" on you so to speak. "Hi, what are you doing, oh you went to the bar, who did you go with, blah, blah"..you get the idea..We don't want to hear your out with friends laughing it up we want to hear you're holed up at home lost in your thoughts. So yes it was a test, she thought about seeing you but would rather you ask to see her. You made the right decision, because if you went over there, old feelings coming back the potential hook-up then the old feelings come rushing back that you are trying to keep contained. Nothing good ever comes of those situations.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (6 September 2010):
 Two words, booty call. You did the right thing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHere's an update...I was out drinking with a few of my friends lastnight. I had deleted her number from my phone in fear that I would be tempted to text her if I got drunk. So i get a little inebriated, and I'm riding home from the bar and she texts me... I sat there thinking, and thinking, about whether to respond or not, but being under the influence, it got to me, and I did. Bad, I know. BUT, I don't think I handled it too terribly bad, seeing as how SHE contacted ME... I could have said something stupid, or contacted her... Instead, I think I made the right choice at the end. Here's the conversation...Her: (Out of the blue at 1:40 am) "What are you doing right now?"Me: "Riding home. Why?"Her: "Riding home? Are you drunk or something?"Me: "What? Why are you asking?"Her: "That's not a no.... and I was just driving home and thought I would see what you were doing. Maybe see you. You were the one that asked me to contact you." (The night at the bar when I ran into her, and danced with her I was drunk and said "contact me.")Me: "I'm not drunk. But I have been out with friends drinking. What did you have in mind?"Her: "It doesn't matter anymore bc I am home though."Me:"? So you were gonna come by my place? Or did you want to meet somewhere, or what? I'm about to drive home."Her: "I was thinking about dropping by. But I am already home and going to sleep."Me: "Ok"It was tempting to continue on with something like, "well, I can drop by." or "Well, have a goodnight." But I kept myself from doing it, thinking that just agreeing with her by saying ok, and acting indifferent would be the best. (It was REALLY hard not to say something else) But from the way she asked what I was doing, acted like she wanted to come, and then when she got a response and changed her mind, saying she was already home, I have a feeling it was just a "test." An "excuse" to see how I would react. What do you think about this? What do you think about her, and what about the way I handled it? What now? I'm going to wait it out and see if she says anything else. But It SUCKS because this makes it even more tempting to say something to her.Last night was the first football game of the year at our university. Last year she went to the football games with me, and it was the first time she had ever been. I have a feeling that being at the football game tonight (I'm sure she was there, and I was too) made her think about me (just as I thought about her while I was there). This may be what triggered her into texting me. The thoughts and memories that the football game surfaced.So what do you think?This pisses me off, because it's giving me what might be false hope. I was happy to see she had texted me "What are you doing right now?" But at the same time, frustrated because I didn't know what to do, and thought to myself "this could be bad." And even more frustrated when she just bailed on me and said she was already home.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (2 September 2010):
I would just chalk this up as more proof she isn't interested in getting back together. A bag by the door is your best option.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (2 September 2010):
Agreed..it sounds like a game, which you really don't have the time for. Plus, that's rather childish.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (2 September 2010):
 Just say yeh, I'll leave it in a bag outside the door.
Be indifferent to her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk guys. I need some advice. It's been like 6 days, and I haven't contacted her in any way, except running into her at the bar. Today, i got a text from her asking "Do you still have that lingerie of mine, and if so could I please come get it soon?"... This is lingerie she got for my birthday... I have a feeling this is a stupid game. And i don't want to play. I have no intentions of keeping that, but I don't really know if I should break contact with her. And I definantly know I don't want to see her right now.
A part of me just wants to ignore it, because I have a feeling she's messing with me since I didn't constantly beg. And another part of me just wants to say "yea, its here somewhere. You can have it. Im busy tonight and tomorrow though.." (Because I am) And then maybe just leave it somewhere she can pick it up. And not have to see her.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (31 August 2010):
Tread lightly it's only been 4 days, give her the space. Give her a little after her friends leave too. You've been showing up at the bar that makes you look a little laid back but also too desperate. Just send her a text, "hi, how are you, hope all is well" she will either text back or not. Leave it at that. Then wait for her friends to leave and send her another asking if she wanted to grab dinner to catch up. All you can do is try but you have try at a minimum...I say tell her how much you miss her at dinner, you want her back but you guys could start with a clean slate this time. Try that but if you keep on getting no answers, or she turns down the idea of getting back together at dinner then it's really over...you have already moved into the friend zone. I don't think you will be able to handle it right away, so to cut off contact would work, then maybe one day you can talk to her again and accept the friendship.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (31 August 2010):
I wouldn't contact her at all. She said those things about the relationship to let you down easily. If she wanted to be with you she would be. Letting her go will be best for you. My guess is that there is another reason for the breakup she's not telling you. If you push contact, you'll likely end up hurt worse then you are now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe thing is, I tried telling her that she could do those things and still be happy dating me. She could have the things she always LOVED and was so happy about when dating me (Staying over all the time, cooking with me, spending time between classes, etc.) AND meet new people, make new friends, and do new things. I would want her to do this. As I would also like to do this. I don't see why we can't do it together. It's like she shut me out, and when I would tell her these things (in the midst of her wondering if we should be together and arguing some) it wouldn't matter. Maybe because i was pushing these things at the wrong time. (I know coming off as desperate or pushing her too hard just makes it worse.) But It's instinct to try to explain things. And how it will work. She wouldn't have it though. That's why I've chosen to not contact her and give her time. I'm hoping that's what she needs to clear her head, not have thoughts of me just being needy, and realize the things she will really miss. I wanted to give her this whole week with her friends, and then I think another afterwards. (I know how being with girlfriends and doing the things she will be doing will probably have her not missing me as much.)
But how should I contact her? I don't want to make her uncomfortable or be a begger. I just thought about saying "hi, I hope you're doing good, and how are classes going?" But then, I want to be able to meet her. And again, not come off as needy, but I need to know whether to give up and move on forever. Because I can't be just friends with her. I can't. I can't pretend I'm fine, and talk to her like we're friends. Or hang out with her and pretend we weren't like we were. If she changed her mind, and wants to give us another chance, then great...If we could just start slow, like dating again and giving her space too, I would do it... But I can't be friends with her. And I would probably never speak to her again. Or it would just cause me pain. What should I say to her? How should I tread?
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (31 August 2010):
Ah dirtball... the amount of times I've started writing multiple paragraphs. only to find you've written exactly the same thing except better and in barely a sentence...
Bah!! phooey...
What he said dude.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (31 August 2010):
There's just something about alcohol and the wilderness that is so right.
Now the lack of contact, if she was using her cell then she could have had spotty service, or her day was so scheduled she really didn't have the time. Hence why she needed to unwind with the other counselors. i don't see another guy involved...it's more of she hasn't experienced that party, drinking life. The friends she chose to this is their current lifestyle so in order to fit in you got to go with the flow. This is more of a phase than anything, it will eventually get redundant. But since she just started it's not ending anytime soon. She must have felt like you were holding her back. All you can do is let her have her fun. The space and cut off contact is good, wait till the friends leave town before talking to her again. Then she will sober, and you can tell you don't care of she goes out with friends in fact could you come too. Show her this looser side of you. Good Luck!
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (31 August 2010):
I'd continue on the route you're on. Let her go. If it was meant to be, she'll be back. Don't hold out too long though, you could miss a great opportunity.
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