A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi All Been dating a girl for four months and everything is going well. We are going really well, we have committed to a relationship and have long term plans for the future. I have met all her family and vice versa, We have recently come to an issue. She is not comfortable with me hanging out with a friend who is a girl. Regardless if I have dated that girl in the past. Dont know how to handle this reallyThoughts ? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2020): I have a close male friend who I have known for 25 years. He isn’t an ex but when we were young we did ‘fool around’ a couple of times. We both know we would never make it as a couple and it would never work. However there is always undeniable sexual and emotional chemistry between us both. So much that other people assume we are a couple. But as we both know that it wouldn’t work between us we have not and will not ever cross that boundary again in a million years. What we have found growing up though, is that our close friendship always caused issues in our relationships with partners. So what we do now is when one of us gets into a relationship, we back off from each other a bit. NO meeting just us two. NO texting all the time. We don’t see each other for months at a time and if we do it will be with our partners. We focus on our partners and NOT on each other. We both know it’s not personal and we both know that we will always be friends. And when we are both single we go back to being close friends. I do believe men and women can be friends if they can ignore their sexual urges. But it does cause problems. They say men and women can’t be friends without the sexual element and in my experience it’s true. Whether you act on it or not. If I were you, I would question why I am friends with this other female? Is it because you secretly love her? Hoping that she will sleep with you anytime you are single? Find her attractive? My guess would be yes. You need to be honest with yourself. You can’t have fulfilling future relationships if you don’t set some boundaries with the friend’. You say you see a future with your girlfriend - then why are you willing to potentially ruin that happiness for another female you are not committed to? There is always a reason. Find your reason and make a decision.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2020): I have a close male friend who I have known for 25 years. He isn’t an ex but when we were young we did ‘fool around’ a couple of times. We both know we would never make it as a couple and it would never work. However there is always undeniable sexual and emotional chemistry between us both. So much that other people assume we are a couple. But as we both know that it wouldn’t work between us we have not and will not ever cross that boundary again in a million years. What we have found growing up though, is that our close friendship always caused issues in our relationships with partners. So what we do now is when one of us gets into a relationship, we back off from each other a bit. NO meeting just us two. NO texting all the time. We don’t see each other for months at a time and if we do it will be with our partners. We focus on our partners and NOT on each other. We both know it’s not personal and we both know that we will always be friends. And when we are both single we go back to being close friends. I do believe men and women can be friends if they can ignore their sexual urges. But it does cause problems. They say men and women can’t be friends without the sexual element and in my experience it’s true. Whether you act on it or not. If I were you, I would question why I am friends with this other female? Is it because you secretly love her? Hoping that she will sleep with you anytime you are single? Find her attractive? My guess would be yes. You need to be honest with yourself. You can’t have fulfilling future relationships if you don’t set some boundaries with the friend’. You say you see a future with your girlfriend - then why are you willing to potentially ruin that happiness for another female you are not committed to? There is always a reason. Find your reason and make a decision.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2020): You're no longer a teenager. Back in the day, when we were kids we didn't take relationships that seriously. Trust was a concept not yet understood; so we were pretty casual about it. Those trial-and-error puppy-love relationships were flexible and fluid; so you could have your guy-buddies; and include those girls who liked hanging around with the guys. They never seem to have a boyfriend, but liked hanging with guys more than other females. Note I said "guys"...in the plural! One-on-one is a date! She's not oblivious to the fact that you used to boink that female!!! Back then, they're almost like one of the guys; and there was never any hanky-panky going-on. Well, maybe a few drunken close-calls! You could have a girlfriend, and she wouldn't be concerned about that girl; because she was the typical "tom-boy" who liked sports, it was iffy whether she was into guys; but there was always a proper distance that made all the girlfriends feel unthreatened. That was then, this is now!
Ex-girlfriends that stick closer than a sister are usually still in-love with their so-called "ex-boyfriends," or vice versa. They seldom keep their noses out of your love-life; and purposely (yet subtly) send-out a vibe or negative-signals to make your new girlfriend feel uneasy and suspicious. If you didn't know that...now you do!!!
That's why we have to establish boundaries that show respect; and separate our platonic-friends from our romantic-partners. They must be properly introduced, and hopefully everyone gets along. Not so easily when it is an "ex!!!"
We can't afford to make lame assumptions, and put our new-boyfriend or girlfriend through the agony of wondering where they stand with you; versus that shadow known as your ex! While the ex is making faces and poking out their tongue when your back is turned! It is a personal-habit of mine not to become particularly serious romantically with people who have exes that are "best-friends." It's my prerogative. It's not insecurity, it's a low tolerance for drama; and I don't compete for things or other humans. If they seem ever-present, constantly in-contact, and always the one on the phone...bye-bye, I'm out! I ain't into threesomes. I'm monogamous. I've got friends too! See-yah!
You are a 26 year-old man. You even used to date this female...once a girlfriend, and now "just a friend." There is an intimate history (she knows what your d!ck looks like!), a bond of trust has been re-established with her; following a past-breakup or disconnection. Now she holds a well-established place in your heart; when another female comes along, her objective is to fill a vacancy in your heart. Thereby pushing all your past romantic-interests out; or at-least squishing them so far back into the recesses of your heart, you can barely remember them. If she can make you detach from all your past memories of your exes; she can monopolize all that space...not all of it, but most of it. That's impossible when she's always there. Always waiting to "hang-out!" BTW...why ain't she gotta man???
You have a built-in challenge to your budding-relationship. An ex-turned-friend! That technically makes your relationship a threesome. News flash, most females don't like that!
If she claims she doesn't mind, she's lying...she's watching that hussy's every move out of the corner of her eye! Eavesdropping on your whispery-conversations, and secretly reading her messages. Don't play naive, dude! You're pushing 30, and you know sugar from shoe polish when it comes to females. They don't really mind, but that all depends on "your" behavior. If you make it fully understood that your romantic-relationship is separate, but not equal. Meaning, they will not be compared or weighted at any given time. If this woman could someday become your wife, she better know she's number-one. Not as early as this; but now is when you set the boundaries and establish the rules. Women see through other women. They don't hide their feelings; so what you can't see, she will.
Women have a certain amount of intuition, and a strong extra-sensory perception about what another woman is thinking about her man; and whether her ties and connection to her mate is distant/platonic, or if that bee-yotch is still in-love with her guy? Even the most subtle cues or clues will be picked-up on her radar. Especially during this early stage of your blossoming-relationship.
This doesn't apply to insanely-jealous and insecure people. They are suspicious of everyone around you; and feel threatened even by how much your mama loves you! They never change, but get worse; and you shouldn't put yourself through that mess.
She can tell if the connection between you an this "female-friend" is still emotional, and has certain sexual-tension; or if her "competitor" harbors a hidden fondness that is a little more than..."just friends!" Inside-jokes, frequent unexpected-interruptions, and her seemingly eerie shadowy-presence that hovers like a ghost over the relationship; even when "ex-gf/just-friend" is nowhere around. Yet it always feels like she is. Female-readers know what I mean!
You're the stupid (usually pretending to be oblivious to the fact) guy in the middle who doesn't see this. Often, these two are kept apart; so suspicion will grow, because your current girlfriend will wonder why they hell would you keep hanging out with an ex when you have a new-girlfriend? I'd say, that's a fair question! Considering, most guys don't really like their girlfriend keeping in-contact with the guy(s) she used to sleep with. Especially, if he's hung like a mule, and a strapping specimen of manhood. Even if he's a weaselly little nerd, and still has some kind of emotional-hold over your woman; it makes you feel uneasy. They're always "hanging-out" together. Doing what, pray-tell?!!
You need to widen the space between you and your ex; while you close the distance between you and your new love-interest. You have trust to earn and establish. Right-now, the playing-field is uneven; because she's not sure what this other woman really means to you? Nor how much influence she will have over your behavior? If trust between you and the ex is already there, then she must wonder how loyal you will be to her, as your present girlfriend? It's natural for an ex to feel jealous; because they always feel a little uncomfortable seeing someone else able to bring out the best in you, and watch love grow that they couldn't seem to achieve. Don't unsuspectingly believe they're going to be best of friends. What's your plan if your ex doesn't really like her? What if she's possibly faking that she does? Your girlfriend will know for sure, if you don't! She's hypersensitive to her vibes! They don't really know each-other. Shoving your past into your present can be a very combustible mixture!
Your ex is a human being, and so is your girlfriend. There may be some unnecessary discomfort; but you haven't been together long enough to deserve that much trust. You're trying to have it all. What's even worse, you're pretending you don't know why your girlfriend should feel uncomfortable? Then that in itself makes you suspect! You should know and be man-enough to make her feel more secure and at-ease, that all is well. The other should keep her contact minimal, until your girlfriend is more familiar and acquainted.
For the time-being, hanging-out is reserved for the woman you now consider your girlfriend! If you make them compete for your attention and affections; you're not much of a boyfriend. My advice to her would be to dump you; and leave you with your ex. Go find herself a guy who is fully-available; and doesn't have extra-attachments. I'm not suggesting you abandon your friend, I'm telling you make the difference between your relationships more definitive; and you'll earn more trust.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (2 October 2020):
 Often the fear of the unknown is worse than the actual. Have the two girls met? If not, why not?
I am torn on this one. On the one hand, she has to trust you for the relationship to work. On the other hand, you need to consider her feelings and show you put her above others.
Why not compromise? Don't meet the "friend" alone, but include her in group outings when your girlfriend is there too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2020): This is tricky having been in a similar situation myself- my ex was very close friends with a girl he had previously slept with and they spent a lot of time together on nights out, getting drunk together etc. Although I admit I was a bit uncomfortable with it, I trusted him so decided I wasn't going to make it an issue.
At the end of the day, if you wanted to be with this other girl, you'd be with the other girl. But you're not, you are with your current girlfriend. I don't see an issue with you being friends with a female and you current girlfriend shouldn't make you choose. If you're in a happy, committed and trusting relationship then what's the problem?
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (2 October 2020):
 I think that it all boils down to trust really, in a committed relationship you should trust your partner 100%.
Trust is one of the most important contributing factors that bind a relationship together, without trust a relationship is doomed to fail.
Personally i think meeting for a coffee and a catch up for a few hours on a Saturday afternoon i don't really see a problem with. However, if it materialised in to a night out, then staying over i would say this is a certain NO NO. So it depends, when you mention hanging out, which one it is.
If its all causing to many complications and upset with your partner, then maybe refrain from meeting up with her at all.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 October 2020):
 Introduce them to each other.
And why the need to hang out with another girl? I get that you call her a friend and all, but HOW comfortable would you be with her hanging out alone with another guy?
And HAVE you dated the "friend" in the past? Because then she isn't just a "friend" she is ALSO an ex.
Have her explain in her own words why it upsets her. And then consider what she is saying.
I think introducing the two women to each other and have hangout WITH your GF and this girl a few times might change how she views this other woman.
In general though, I don't blame your GF for not liking it. But I also am not a fan of having to drop ACTUAL friends because the new partner isn't sure he/she likes them or trusts them.
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