A
female
age
51-59,
*eilax
writes:I am worried about a new neighbour who as moved in with her partner. I worry that my husband might know the woman even thou we have not seen her yet and this happened when another neighbour who is a woman moved in next door to us months ago. I worry it could be one of my husbands exs and of all the places in the world to live they would end up living by us. my husband went out with a woman who I knew years before I met him. the woman had a younger sister and her older sister was best friends with my sister and I used to go to there house when I was young. I cant recall if I ever met this woman but I knew she lived there and her name and I cant believe my husband went out with her, my husband knows I knew her. is that why I worry that another ex might show up because I met one well before I met my husband . I know it all sounds stupid but I do worry about things like this and I have anxiety. as anyone ever bumped into a ex who could live close by at all and if so what happened.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 October 2020):
 So what even if your new neighbour should be one of your husband exes ?
It depends from where you live, of course if you stay in Tokyo or New York it's a super weird coincidence if you end up living next door to your ex, but if you live in a small town or a village ,it may happen very easily and it's nothing to have a conniption about. No big deal.
Actually, where I grew up it was not exactly a hamlet , it was a 180.000 inhabitants place- and yet in the first years of my marriage I happened to live in the same building as a guy I used to go out with when I was 16. Admittedly it was not the passion of the century, it was one of those "light" relationships you have when you are 16 , we just dated for few months , then parted ways amicably with no drama, yet technically he was an ex ; and there I was on the 2nd floor. with this guy on the 3rd.
Very uneventful situation.
We said " hi what's up " to each other if we crossed paths , once in a blue moon . And once my husband and I saw him in the entrance hall , he had a hand wrapped up in a blood stained towel, he told us that he had cut himself with a can opener and was going to hail a cab to go get stitched , and we, to be neighbourly, told him : Forget the cab, we are driving you to the E.R.,- and we did . That's all the extent of our interaction as exes/ neighbours.
Exes are exes for a reason, if it's over it means that things did not work, and now either there's bad blood between the two, or, more probably, total indifference , lack of attraction , lack of curiosity.
Then again, I don't know how many exes your husband may have, but if he is a guy with a colorfoul- and crowded - past - he may meet one of his exes anywhere ; maybe not next door but at his doctor's, in a pub, at the shopping center, at the gym, at work etc.etc., so, what are you going to do : keep him at home under lock and key ? so you can make sure he never chances into any of his exes ? Are you going to keep him prisoner ?...
Improbable, impractical- and illegal too.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2020): Excuse me if I am wrong. But I am sure you have posted about this before? In the post you were also worried about his ex moving next door but didn’t know who had actually moved there. This is all in your head. You have no idea who your new neighbour is but you are assuming it is and ex of your husband. It could be absolutely anyone!!Do you also worry that he will bump into his ex in the supermarket? At work? On the street? I think other posters are right - you need therapy!!Or at least couples counselling. Have you always worried about this or is it a new thing? If so maybe your relationship isn’t going that well and you are worried he will cheat. Or you feel like he is about to leave you? Maybe he has cheated before? Worrying about things you have no control over will ruin your relationship. Accusations will start, your insecurities will pour out, maybe you will try and control his movements - then he will leave you!You cannot love like this and these things tend to get worse and will make you miserable. There is no shame in getting help. To me a strong person admits they have a problem and seeks help for it. They are in control of their happiness and know what they need.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2020): Your fears make no sense.An ex is an ex for a reason. If your husband's ex dumped him then she will not want him back again, especially if he is now married and has even less to offer than before and especially if the ex is now married or happy with another man!Can you imagine two single people dating, one of them decides it is not working and ends it. But years later - when both of them are married to someone else she decides that although he was not good enough for her when they were both single he is now good enough to risk her marriage for and worth telling lies to sneak off and meet up with for a few moments now and then? No.If your husband dumped her then it is even more ridiculous. If he dumped her when she was prettier, younger and single why would he want her now?Ultimately if you were sure of your husband and your marriage you would fear nobody, you would feel safe in the knowledge that no matter how many women want him they have no chance because he prefers you.If anything is going to make your husband lose interest in you it is your anxiety disorder, which is serious, very serious and needs professional attention urgently.I suspect that like most who have such a disorder you go on about it to husband, nagging him to prove he loves you, nagging him to repeat over and over again that he did not look at such and such the other day, relentlessly boring away at it until he is sick of it. That is what destroys a marriage. Telling your husband you do not trust him and boring him to death with weird ideas.If your husband wanted to sneak around he would, there would be nothing you could do to stop him, but he would be far more likely to chose some woman you know nothing about that has no past with him. There is one way you can be sure that your husband will never want to cheat on you or leave you. To get your mental health sorted out. So that you do not drive him nuts with accusations, questions, nagging, moaning or behaving strangely.Very often men are faithful to their wife because nobody fancies them enough to want them - very few women would bother with a married man even if he would be very desirable as a single man. But it would be even nicer if he was faithful to you through choice rather than because everyone rejects him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2020): Maybe you might want to see someone about your anxiety. If you're predisposed to worry, anxiousness, and baseless-fears; then that's what you should be addressing. It's a small world, and you're bound to run into old classmates, exes, and people who have been long-absent from your life. Your husband has no more control over that happening, than you do.
There are also many unanswered questions about the state of your marriage, your mental-health, and his history? Is he the cheating type of guy? Has he had affairs? Do you suffer from issues with retro-jealousy?
Just because some woman he used to know becomes a neighbor doesn't mean he has any interest in her still. You may also suffer from low self-esteem; and have a deficiency of his attention and affection. Many people have been married for years, and they get so complacent and used to each-other; they no longer share loving romantic-moments together. They feel silly or foolish to enjoy cuddling and just feeling cozy in each-others arms. You seem to be feeling he wants other women. Is that based on any reality? It seems your paranoia is out of hand.
If this is a mental-health issue; then maybe it's time for serious counseling. It might also help to get some marital-counseling together; if you and your husband suffer from disconnection and complacency in your marriage. If you've got too much idle-time on your hands to be spinning conspiracy theories and wild scenarios in your mind; then it is definitely time to see a therapist.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2020): I read that twice and the only thing I came away with is that you need intensive therapy. I'm not trying to be flippant. But really, you think the woman who moved in next door with her partner may be a woman your husband maybe dated before he met you but you knew her sister before he dated her? And you're suffering anxiety because of it? Seriously talk to your GP about a referral to a counselor.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 October 2020):
 Let's indulge your "fear" here a minute, LET'S say it's your husband's ex who is your new neighbor. WHAT then?
What is that you fear? Exactly? Can you define it?
If you fear is that he will leave you for this ex, THIS kind of obsessives and unrealistic and NEGATIVE thoughts is what will drive him away, not seeing an ex (who by the way is moving in with her OWN man).
If you fear drama, then YOU need to not feed it.
Who lives in the houses near you is ABSOLUTELY out of your control. It's out of your husband's control, unless he is a relator who only sells houses to exes.
Same with who your husband USED to date before you. Even your husband can't control his past. You have no control nor say in HIS past. Because you can't CHANGE his past, or yours for that matter.
If you run around so focused on the past and his exes you won't notice what is right in front of you. You got to learn how to let go of this, and to accept that MOST of the things that happen is OUT of your control. You CAN control your own actions, the choice of words, to a degree how you feel and think but by and large the world is SO much bigger than just you.
I wouldn't say it sounds stupid it just sound rather like a nightmare. If your mind works this way, no wonder you have anxiety. Even if you BRING that on yourself by feeding these notions of yours. This isn't healthy.
Why not get it over with and go right their doorbell and say hi, I'm your neighbor. If it's the EX, well... at least you know. If it's not... she might be a nice person to befriend down the road!
Consider finding a counselor if you can't get your head out of these doom and gloom ideas. Someone who specialize in OCD (not that you have that but you worry/ruminate over things that are just not HELPING your mental health.)
You need to learn to take control when start that "what if" and SHUT it down.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (2 October 2020):
 The new neighbour that has moved in with her partner, neither of you have seen her yet, so realistically it could be anyone, so i think your worrying about nothing.
By all accounts all this was a long time ago, so even if it is your husbands ex, then i'm sure everyone has moved on now, its all in the past, and she is moving in with her partner ( that's if it is even her, because no one has seen who it is yet have they.
I would say the majority of us have ex's nearby, whether they are down the road, in the same town, or a few miles away. You have moved on with your life now, got married etc, and so have they.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2020): It does not just sound stupid it is stupid. You are talking like someone who is paranoid and suspicious. Even if your husband did go out with this person or that person from the past so what, it is in the past. He is with you now.If you are not careful you will start to ask him questions, nag him, moan, get suspicious and bore him to death with accusations and questions, this is what would end your marriage, not some other woman. But someone like you would then say ah I knew he was keen on her and try to blame her instead. You and only you are responsible for how good or bad your marriage is and how happy your husband is, and whether or not he wants to fancy other women. If you make him happy he will not want to.I am housebound and disabled, I spend a lot of time on my own. I long for my partner to come in from work and spend time with me. But as I am not short sighted or selfish I never ask him to come straight home, never ask him to cancel meeting up with his brother or all the other things he does, because I want my partner to be happy and I want us to have a good relationship where he looks forward to coming home to me and enjoys it.If you concentrated on being a good wife, a nice wife, instead of one with weird ideas you push onto other people you would have a good marriage and have no need to worry about whether or not husband did this or wants to do that.You need to go to a good therapist to sort yourself out. You cannot do it on your own. Writing to strangers - especially unqualified ones, asking them if hubby is wanting to do stuff is ridiculous. We have never spoken to or met this man! A good therapist will help you to sort out why you lack confidence and how to put it right, because that is the issue, not your husband or his past.In a happy marriage a wife would not feel threatened by her husband's past or exs. She would feel safe in knowing he loves her.
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