A
male
age
30-35,
*sboss
writes:Hi. I am a 23 year old male, in my first year phd study. I started a relationship with my girlfriend who is 37 years old now 2 years back, then I had to leave the country for a year last year, and I just got back to US to do my phd. Our long distance held on until earlier this year when I chatted with a girl friend on facebook and she found out. She wanted to split up. I did not mean anything with the girl and I still love my girlfriend very much. We are now together again, perhaps she was touched after all that I have done to save our relationship, and now that I am back to US.However, in between the time when she wanted to split, and till I was back to US and we got back together, she went out to see other person. She told me she needs to settle down since she is already 37. I found out that she was meeting people through online dating websites. I was sad when I found out, but I never tell her that I know.Now, we are back together. Yet, we meet only 3 days every week during weekends, since my school is 2.5 hours drive from her home. When I am with her, she never went meet anyone. That is until I found out last week, that she went out for a dinner with someone she met through online, and I know she still checks her online dating account once in a while. She lied to me that she did not. Of course, I did not confronted her, I just asked her if she went out with anyone last week. That is until last night, I ask her again, in a more serious way, and she told me she went out with an old friend to celebrate birthday. I did not ask much about it, and she know I am unhappy. Please help me. I do not know what I should do with this. I do not want to upset her by confronting her again, fearing this may again cause problem with our relationship, yet I felt insecure with her. When she is with me, she is very happy, and we talk about the future. But, she is still meeting online behind me. I know she is not the kind of girl, but she lied to me and this makes me feel very sad.I want to know what is a good way for me to let her know that I am aware of her meeting people, and yet not to upset her, perhaps make her feels guilty, and hopefully she will realize how much I treasure her. I know because of our age difference she faces alot of pressure, yet she seem to be accepting me as a boyfriend. Please help. I am in agony and cannot get through this myself whenever I think of it. I wanted myself to let it go and still love her the way it is, but sometimes it is just impossible. Please do not comment on me letting her go, because of our special circumstances. This is not the solution I wish to go with. Thank you very much for your time sirs and madams.Very Sad Guy
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2012): Ok, I will share my experience.
I was more from the perspective of your girlfriend. I was 35 and met a 28 year old. We dated for a short time, but it became clear, he was at a different stage in his life and was not looking for anything serious. As I too wanted a long term relationship and was on dating sites online, I did continue to date pople. It was the wrong thing to do but to be brutally honest, I wasnt strong enough to break it off and part of me was hedging my bets, hoping my bf would change. He didnt even telling me he was a committment phobe. Truth of the matter though, was by dating other people I was not showing committment to him either.
My advice would be to end this now, if she is seeing other people she knows there isnt a future. Save yourself the heartache.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2012): Hi CJH, thank you for your answer. I am the original poster for this question. I guess you misunderstood something, or perhaps are sensitive to this sort of situation considering you have been through a similar one. I know she did not sleep around with other people or do any sort of things like that. She lied to me, perhaps because she is not sure about our future due to our age difference, and that she needs a 'backup' in case our relationship did not work out, since she is already 37 and she wants to have a kid. I believe she loves me, but she just isn't sure if she can wait for me to finish what I am doing now and live a more stable lifestyle with her. She said she lied to me because she doesn't want to upset me or get me overreacted. To be frank, I know she checks her online dating account, because I can see her profile being active or not, and she was active almost everyday during that week. I love her very much, and I know she is not the type of girl you have encountered, deep down in my heart. If I were so blind that I see this wrong, then I deserve the sort of agony and pain that you described if I found out at a later stage, and I am willing to bet on that.
I hope she will realize how much pain I am in now and not do something like this anymore. I mean I am ok with her going out meeting old friends, but not lying to me. Let's see what happens this week. Any other comment or help please???
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A
male
reader, Young and in Love +, writes (5 November 2012):
 Normally, I try my best to tell people to not lose hope, but I also have a code that I chose for myself when giving advice on this website: Tell it like it is. So here's my answer.Based on what you've told us here, I can only come to the conclusion that she is not being true to you, nor is she invested in the relationship. I know you want to work through this, but you really have to ask yourself whether or not it's worth the heartache. You've invested plenty of time, effort, and your emotions into this relationship, but nothing that you've told me shows that she has done the same for you. If there isn't an equal amount of give and take at this point, there never will be. You are the considerate one, taking her feelings into account even when it comes to confronting her about being unfaithful. That's outstandingly noble but foolish, because she doesn't even care enough to be faithful to you, focus on her relationship with you, or even be honest about not seeing you exclusively. You've caught her in lies, you've caught her still meeting with guys from DATING SITES (it's not like it was even a facebook friend or something; it's clearly a romance thing), and you know she STILL hasn't deleted the account. What more do you need to come to a verdict? She's not going to give you the kind of attention and adoration you feel you deserve and have earned. And the fact that she didn't like you talking to a "girl-friend" (I assume you meant a platonic friend who is a girl), but actually goes out with other guys shows she is a complete hypocrite.Maybe the age thing is a factor for her and she wants to get on with her life now rather than later, but YOU have your whole life ahead of you. You're young, and working towards a career. Your age difference alone should have put you off, but now she's not even committed to you. I think you know you need to move on. I hope you find the strength to do so.IF, however, you are adamant about trying to salvage this relationship, my suggestion is that you sit her down, tell her "I need to talk to you about something," then proceed to mention that you know she's still on the dating site, and you know she's met with some of the men, both while you were overseas and even now that you've returned. IF you don't care about the lies, tell her that you know she's lied to you, but you're willing to forgive her, but only if she's willing to tell you the full truth. Tell her you want to know exactly what's been going on with her and these other men, and make sure you get all of the details you need to know (otherwise it will bother you later). If after she tells you everything, you are still willing to be with her, tell her that you need her to delete all of her profiles and cut these other men out of her life, and to dedicate herself to being with you only. If she can't, you need to leave.I hope you take the advice CJH and I have given to you about finding someone else, but regardless, I wish you good luck.
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A
male
reader, CJH  +, writes (5 November 2012):
 This reminds me of a situation I was in three or four years ago.
A long distance relationship where I was head over heels in love with a girl who lived 400 miles away.
I met her online on a dating site. Once we got together, my profile was immediately removed and I concentrated on being with her. I'd fly up every weekend and often fly her down to me.
I knew she was still on the dating site we met on and some others too and whenever I asked her about this she said she hadnt got around to disabling her profile yet.
Seven months into the relationship I discovered that she had a string of guys she chatted to in a cybersex way as well as two or three others she had been to clubs with. She insisted that nothing physical had happened but of course that was almost certainly rubbish.
The confrontation was horrible, she owned up to everything and, impressed by her honesty, I decided to try to get past what knew and stay with her.
I lasted another two months before I started to hate myself for being an idiot.
You see, once they lie to you once that's it - they will lie to you forever.
My advice to you is to walk away from this woman now and take the decisions to put yourself through the hurt now on your own terms.
Don't wait until you find out she's been taking you for an idiot and sleeping around. It will hurt a hell of a lot more at that stage and you will have your own set of issues to deal with in terms of thinking you were an idiot for ignoring what you, deep down, knew was going on.
Good luck.
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