A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a relationship with the father of my 3 month old baby, according to our tradition, the man pays lobola, then we make a wedding, he has already paid half of the money, now he wants to pay the remaining amount but he says he does not want a wedding, when he pays the remaining money i just pack my things and go and a ring is not budgeted for. I don't want to raise my child alone but i feel like i have to break off this relationship because my partner does not care about the way i feel, i've been dreaming of my wedding day since i was young and he does not seem to care, as for a ring he just doesn't want to buy it, it is not a budget issue because he has a good job, i am working as well hence i say money is not a challenge, i just think he is just selfish. I'd love to know... am I being unreasonable?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2012): "I'm in a relationship with the father of my 3 month old baby, according to our tradition, the man pays lobola, then we make a wedding,"
I'm assuming that according to tradition, the prospective
groom does NOT knock up the prospective bride before paying lobola which I would assume geatly reduces a prospective bride's value on the lobola market, as well as greatly reducing her value on the bridal market.
"I don't want to raise my child alone but i feel like i have to break off this relationship because my partner does not care about the way i feel"
Then why did you have a kid by him before you were married?
"i've been dreaming of my wedding day since i was young and he does not seem to care"
Then why did you have a kid by him before you were married?
"as for a ring he just doesn't want to buy it, it is not a budget issue because he has a good job"
Then why did you have a kid by him before you were married?
"i just think he is just selfish."
Then why did you have a kid by him before you were married?
"I'd love to know... am I being unreasonable?"
You are being unreasonable to expect a man to adhere to a tradition that you have already flouted by having an out-of-wedlock child by him.
I have to admit I wasn't previously familiar with lobola, had to educate myself via Wikipedia, key phrase from a lengthy definition and history:
"The custom is aimed at bringing the two families together, fostering mutual respect, and indicating that the man is capable of supporting his wife financially."
Given that you have already broken with tradition by getting knocked up and popping out a kid well in advance of your wedding day (bringing the families together by making them grandparents, aunts and uncles), your main concern should be that baby daddy financially supports his baby mama's kid. Ask him to use the money he would have spent on a ring to start a college fund for your three-month-old. That will be worth a lot more than a ring in eighteen years.
My intention is not to denigrate a cultural tradition, just point out the obvious: You have already broken it, so baby daddy rightly believes he is no longer bound by it.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (5 November 2012):
 you want what you want... that's not selfish..
the fact that you and your partner do not agree is sad. especially if you have a child together already.
if he does not care about your feelings then I would not stay with him....
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