A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,This feels so stupid but please read the whole thing. I dislike social media and it annoys me that its done this however it has caused an issue for my relationship.Through out the relationship my girlfriend of 7 months has mentioned the names of her previous partners/exs. As I dont use instagram much at all - she is the only person I interact with. Because of this I get suggested friends from her. And if im honest I have looked through her followers at times. This has caused me to come across her exs instagrams.I have found out that she has liked some of her exs photos. I dont care about this at all, its a like it means nothing Im not a child. This just becomes relevant later.The other day my girlfriend comes to me and told me about her GF where her bf was commenting on girls photos and it upset her. Throughout this convo my girlfriend said to me " if u had liked or commented on your exs photos id be upset". I found this interesting as I know she does it. I said it would annoy me a bit if she did it but its no big deal ( it doesn't , I've known shes been doing it for months). I asked her " do you like your exs photos". She said she no she wouldn't do that. - I think she lied but she may just give it no thought after all its just a like right.The next day I noticed she had unfollowed 20 people she followed, the majority of them the guys/exs photos she had been liking. I thought to myself she obviously didnt want me to know, but that means she knew she had been liking these profiles... so i asked her about it. I said " are you sure you havnt liked any exs photos.. cause i wouldn't care its a like, She denied, it then escalated and I asked her if she still followed her exs, she told me she had got rid of them 2 months in the relationship. I know this isnt true. I then asked her by telling her that I know she recently got rid of 20 people and said were they ex's and people you got rid of based off our convo the other day - she said they were celebrities profiles. ( which i know isnt true ). I said I hope thats true because there's no way I would know otherwise. She said its true.shes lying to me - and i dont know why. about something so inconsequential. Im about to break up with her because it shows me she will never tell me the truth if she thinks it will up set me. Its not what shes done at all ( I dont care!!) she can like anyone's frigin photo! I have to literally tell her I know she unfollowed her ex's... I have to literally prove to her that I know. I want to just swallow this and move on because shes really dont nothing wrong but its an outright lie Help
View related questions:
her ex, move on, swallow Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2021): Not every person is the same. Therefore take this as an example. I had an ex who went camping with friends. She said she went for a swim in the afternoon as they had their swim gear with them. She then unpacked her bags and her swimwear were completely dry. I then asked if she really used them and she eventually "confessed" she swam in her underwear. You have to understand i wouldnt have cared either way.
I could not work out why she lied nor why she kept the lie going despite it seeming obvious that she was. We dated for another 3 years. All I will say is that her lies got far better and harder to pick, and the lies were about far bigger things than what she swam in. Single worst relationship I have been in.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2021): Your girlfriend backed herself into a corner when she told you how'd she be upset if she found-out you were liking photos of your exes. I would even venture to speculate, or assume, that includes any other females. The old adage "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" applies here. Then of course, you were forced to cross-exam her statements regarding whether she liked photos of her exes? She adamantly denied it! Meanwhile, she removed them. Only AFTER being asked if she "liked" photos of her exes? Count "20" of them!!!
We have a credibility and trust issue here. Now what?!!
Withholding and clouding the truth has become a rampant social-disorder these days. Lying is pathological, trendy, and socially-acceptable. Something people feel to be only the go-to "option;" if you feel the truth might become an inconvenience, or could thwart any effort to manipulate the trust of others. I don't mean in matters of life or death, or in grave matters of self-preservation; I mean so casually and straight-faced, it would stun you in awe of the very nerve!!! Everybody lies, we all do; but not everyone lies when they absolutely don't have to! Why insist on doing it when the truth is out, caught on video, in your face, and totally evident??? *SMH*
Social media has become our favored and primary vehicle of disinformation, misinformation, broadcasting propaganda, a weapon of mass destruction, and the favored medium for spreading lies on the global scale. Thus lying and deception becomes habitual in human interaction, infused into our daily lives; and almost considered as the necessary default-option to telling the truth. Society is even trying to redefine what truth actually means, and obscuring the very definition of the word "fact!" There is no such thing as "alternative facts!" The truth stands by itself, and doesn't need to be labeled your truth or my truth.
Even little lies are still lies! Politics has infected and corrupted humanity! Politics has now become fascist and toxic; because lying creates cult-followers, and causes division on a grand scale. It's influences carries over into how we interact and communicate with others. Lying is an effective tool for confusing people; in order to make them easier to control through deception, or false-dichotomy. The sad part is, it almost seems that people want to be told what they want to hear. They drink lies and unsubstantiated conspiracy theories like ice water on a hot summer day! Apparently, you don't! Neither do I!!! If you teach yourself to tolerate lying, you will adopt the practice. You will lose touch with reality! Living in denial will become your normal mindset and modus operandi.
Okay, now lets stop and analyze the situation. You came here because you needed advice and a few objective opinions; so you wouldn't make a hasty-decision, and find yourself second-guessing or regretful later. Knee-jerk reactions often put you in a place where you've executed an action, or have made a decision; only to find you can't reverse it, or things don't return entirely to where they were before. You have to be decisive, and set standards that will guard your heart; and allow you to build your trust based on truth.
Consider this. You gave her more than one opportunity to confess and clear herself. She wouldn't! Instead, she stuck to her lie! This is a test of her trustworthiness. It seems like a small issue to judge her by; but telling the truth should be held to a much higher standard than people are willing to give it these days. If you can't trust her with smaller things, how can you trust her on larger issues? Love survives on trust. It is what makes relationships stable and cohesive. You can't establish your feelings for a person when you always have doubt in the back of your mind. Always looking at her sideways!
I think you've discovered a red-flag. You have two options. (1) You can dump her. (2) You can forgive her, and give her a second-chance. That can only work, if you'll completely forget the matter; and move forward on a clean slate. The relationship is new, so there are going to be some matters you will have to work through along the way. You have to make it clear to her how important the truth is to you. Once you set the standard, you are thereby held to it. You can't place the burden of truth and maintaining your trust entirely on her shoulders, but not reciprocate. Hypocrisy is mainly the issue here, isn't it? She wouldn't like it if you did what she did! Hypocrites are insanely insecure, and can be terribly paranoid. They don't like being victims of the same crimes and offenses they commit themselves!
Your decision should be based on whether you can forgive and move on? If your forgiveness is superficial, flaky, and full of land mines; your insecurity will become so toxic, it will kill the relationship anyway.
Now what would I do if I were in your shoes? The relationship is only seven months old. It's still in a probationary-period; and lying is a big offense, because it corrodes your trust. I would dump her. She is much too actively connected to her exes, and would lie to hide it. That's just me. I don't like drama and I don't do threesomes. Collecting exes isn't my thing. They are deleted from my life, and not kept as contacts. I'll be cordial and polite if our paths should cross.
I sense such strong disappointment in your post; that I'm almost inclined to believe you've made up your mind, but you want us to convince you to breakup with her. If you strongly feel you can forgive her; then forgive her and move on. If you strongly feel you want to breakup with her; then that is what you should do. Especially, if you know you can no longer trust her; and you can only offer her superficial-forgiveness, which would be too stressful for her to endure it. Distrust is a difficult obstacle to overcome.
Forgiveness should be a gradual process, and given fully to those who are remorseful and repentant. You should forgive, even if you breakup. Forgiveness should not be excruciating. No matter how hard someone tries to redeem themselves, it's always out of reach. That's not forgiveness, that's vengeance. Don't keep her if you can't fully forgive her!
...............................
A
male
reader, liddel  +, writes (20 January 2021):
You’ve gotten some good advice in here and I will just reinforce some of it.
She kind of slipped up by saying that something was wrong that she was also doing. Basically, it would hurt her feelings, if a guy she was dating was online friends with and liking the posts of exes. That was honest and she didn’t say that with any deception because that was how she felt and how it would affect her.
At the same time, she was online friends with exes and liking their posts. She knew that all that was innocent as did you. All of a sudden, she realized she was doing something to you that would hurt her feelings if it went the other way. Realizing what she was doing was the same as she disliked, she basically stopped doing it.
Then to keep from looking like a hypocrite, she covered it up. Maybe 7 months seems like a long time but from my perspective, it isn’t. Perhaps at this point, she realized that she had risked this relationship by accident and at this point, is afraid to confess because it might cause more problems.
I have been married more years than you have been alive. Occasionally, my wife will use incredibly foolish justifications for something she has done (on issues of little import). My wife is a good person and a good spouse but sometimes she is just human and wrong. The first part of the last sentence does not negated by the last part of the sentence.
Knowing what I know now, this wouldn’t even be important to me. At the same time, I know that quite honestly, things just as stupid have ruined relationships for me in the very distant past. The issue hung in my brain and ended up causing the relationship to sputter and fail.
The fact that she was connected to exes online never bothered you but the fact that she has backed herself in a corner has. Let her out of the corner and put all this behind you. You are never going to find someone that will not do things you dislike. That is life. All of us give ourselves some really good justifications on a regular basis. She probably isn’t any worse a person than you.
On the other hand, you may have the same problem that I had with the problem continually running through your mind. If that happens, if you cannot let it go, the relationship will die.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 January 2021):
 So often do I see the "rules for me and other rules for thee" attitude. It's not even a "generational issue" I see it with people of all ages.
I think she didn't lie on purpose at first. I think she might not even have considered that SHE herself did these things online. When you ASKED her, she denied and then covered up the "evidence".
And I think she lied + covered it up because she saw her OWN double standard and wasn't proud of it. She didn't know you already knew, so she didn't want YOU to see her behave with this double standard. Would have been easier to just own it.
I don't think you CAN just swallow this. Because you know know she will LIE to avoid "conflict". If she will lie about this... what else will she lie about, what else HAS she lied about?
And I get it. I wouldn't care WHO my partner talks to online, but I don't appreciate being lied to. That is how TRUST crumples. And once trust is eroding, the foundation of the relationship is not solid anymore.
You DO not have to PROVE to her that she did it. You know she did. If you feel this is a no-go for you (LYING, even if it's about small things) then end it, just tell you feel you are not really all that compatible. You don't OWE her a long explanation. Though I would mention that you can't really respect someone who will have a double standard and who will lie to make themselves LOOK better.
Or, you CAN call her on it. And tell her, that YOU really don't care who's pictures she "likes" online but that you don't apricate being lied to as you think it's dishonest and disrespectful.
Though I will say this, EVERYONE lies. Usually (for most people) it's rare and inconsequential. In this case? Is it a big deal?
Only you can answer that.
I bet you have told a white lie or two at some point, maybe even to her.
If you DO decide to "swallow this" you need to let it go 100%. Which mean you FORGIVE her for being so immature that she lies about having her hand in the cookie jar, but that you won't forget.
The reason I say it's going to be hard to "just swallow it" is because you will now be extra vigilant with the "truth of ANYTHING coming out of her mouth. and that can make for an iffy dynamics in the relationship.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (18 January 2021):
 This is the thing about social media, it has been the ruin of many relationships.
She is heavily into social media, and your not. Certain media sites are all about commenting on other people photo's sharing likes etc.
It might very well be this is all inconsequential stuff and it means nothing. Or she is using it as a platform to flirt and comment on ex's photo's.
Which ever it is you feel impelled to follow her and see what she is doing, who she is liking, talking to, adding, deleting etc. So you clearly don't trust her, and trust is the most important factor that binds a relationship together.
The question is do you think you can continue this
relationship and trust anything she tell's you again. Are you going to be constantly following her all the time to see if she is up to no good?.
Then she is adding to the mistrust by lying to you about stuff, who she has deleted. To say there were celebrity profiles is insulting your intelligence .
I think either start trusting her and fight your insecurities, or if you can't do that maybe its time to call it a day.
...............................
|
