A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My sister and I are in our mid twenties. She is 2 years older than me. We haven’t gotten along since I was about 9 years old. This is when I started formulating my own mind and opinions and stopped allowing her to boss me around. She has always acted like a second mother to me and I think this is because my mum has been very laid back in her parenting style. Throughout my whole life I’ve had her bossing me around and even resulting in family members nicknaming her “Boots” for being so bossy.Anyway, when the pandemic hit, I lost my job and went to live with her temporarily. She was surprisingly nice to me and tried to be as sympathetic as possible (which for her is a lot because she’s quite emotionally closed off). I was very grateful and did as much as I could around to house to show my gratitude.I eventually went to live with my parents abroad and have been here ever since. They’ve been covering me while I’m trying to figure out my next career move (which is tricky living in a country where you don’t speak the language).With all of this going on, she’s gotten nastier over her video calls with my mum. She’s constantly making backhanded comments about me and just generally being negative.My mum claims she’s always been like this because she’s “jealous” of me, but there’s nothing to be jealous of. She has her life completely together, whereas I’m the direct opposite. She gets worse when my mum is around and I don’t know why and what I can do anymore. I cry to my mum about how she treats me because I’m at the end of my tether. My treatment of her is very civil and growing up I’ve always defended her from bullies and helped her out when she needed it. When I was 19/20 I’d lend her substantial amounts of money and didn’t chase it up for a long time. She’s never thanked me for anything I’ve done. I’m so fed up with being made to feel like some sort of burden to her. Can you advise on what I can do? I’ve tried defending myself. I’ve tried being civil. I’ve tried reasoning with her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2021): Typo corrections:
"You want her to be the soft and fuzzy kind of person."
"After all these years, you can't see that isn't who she is."
"After accepting her generosity, that you claim to be uncharacteristic of her."
"It was an attempt to make up for the past."
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2021): We are each individually in charge of our own feelings and responsible for our own behavior. Some personalities are very negative, stiff, and caustic; and it's a fact of life that some people are naturally-unpleasant without having a reason. People can harbor toxic-envy; but you may never figure-out what it is they are jealous of. They won't reveal it, because they fear to disclose it will turn it into a weapon you can use against them. They don't want you to rub their nose in it.
I think you should trust your mother's opinion. Parents know their children. If you are a highly sensitive-person; you will focus on all her most disturbing character flaws. She will pickup on it, and feel very resentful of how you characterize and judge her.
She has her assortment of inner-demons; and you may be in the fallout of her bitterness, but not necessarily the cause. You want her to be the soft and fussy kind of person. After all these year, you can't see that isn't who she is.
She probably feels you left to stay with your parents; because you basically don't like her. She also assumes you've told your parents how badly she has treated you. She isn't there to defend herself; while you're there telling them what an awful sister she is. Probably what you've been doing all of your life.
It's not just her against you. It seems that you resent her too! You weren't grown-up enough to keep your sister-issues between you and her; you dragged your parents into it. Big-sisters tend to be mean, bossy, critical, and usually pick-on their younger siblings. Mine did, but we love each-other to death! It was kid-stuff!
If you're prone to exaggeration and dramatics, or you're somewhat magnifying her mistreatment to the level of abuse you've received...how do you think she should feel about that? You haven't described any really vicious psychological-injury, or physical-abuse. Just that she's bossy and mean to you. She finds you annoying, apparently. I found my younger-brother irritating, always tagging behind me like a puppy! Sometimes he just made me furious; as I in-turn, also annoyed my older brothers! Who beat me up, rough-housed to toughen me up, and made me defend myself. It's pretty typical among siblings. We had a couple of cry-babies, who took teasing and our annoyance with them seriously. Our parents intervened to maintain order; and forced us to exchange apologies and hugs. I'd rather be punished!
You want to change your sister. Accept the reality that you can't.
She was kind and generous to offer you shelter. You spat on her hospitality when you ran to Europe; to be a tattle-tale, and rat her out to your parents! After accepting her generosity, that you claim to be uncharacteristic her. It was an attempt too make up for the past. Awkward as it may be for her!
How ungrateful of you, if you ask me!
Unfortunately, she is who she is; and you are trying to change her personality. She is nicknamed "Boots" because of her bossiness; so that means that is her most outstanding attribute. She is regimental, judgy, and she can see your faults. She calls them out to you. Being a close-relative, she gets that privilege. You didn't suppress your opinion of her when you discussed it with your mother. You turned on the tears and everything!
Maybe she has a mixture of feelings towards you, but to offer you shelter proves she also loves you. Perhaps it's just something about you that brings out the worse in her. The best thing to do about people like that, is to love them from a distance.
Keep your sister-issues between the two of you. Don't drag your parents into it, and expect her to sit by; while you bad-mouth her to her own parents. She has a right to defend herself, and she also has a right to offer you some sisterly-advice spiced with some constructive-criticism. Who knows you better than your own flesh and blood? She doesn't get to tell her side of the story here. It's all your side, and you have characterized her to have been mean to you all your life. Hateful-people don't make generous offers like taking you in when you're down on your luck. In her home, she can be herself and voice her opinions. Good or bad. If you only see her as a bad-person; it is very possible she resents you for it. You may hold a grudge for the past, and have never forgiven her. You may also be resentful of how together her life is; and all you want to see are the flaws in "her" character. Without both sides of this, it's hard to tell.
As I said, love her from a distance. Forgive her, if she has been cruel. She's your sister forever. If she calls to tell your mother awful things about you, it seems your mother would know if she's lying. It appears that you're guilty of the same, by your own admission. Stop being such a cry-baby! You've let your life fall apart a little bit. First you turned to her, and now you've run to your parents. Then write DC to tell us how mean your sister is. What's her side of this? We'll never know!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2021): Wow.ok.I think she might be a little jealous.You get to be with your parents she does not.She feels alone with her family all in another country.Her being this way is because she is alone and afraid.How sad.Send her some flowers or a fruit bouquet.Let her know she is thought of and loved.You do not feel like a burden to her she just feels unloved.You can change that ya know.Be kind....walk a mile in her shoes and understand how left out she feels...I bet she felt like this her whole life.You can change this for the better...all it will take is a little effort on your part.love her.
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