A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I recently started dating a girl. I don’t really see the point in casual dating, so my mind is focused on finding someone to marry, that I can be with forever and be happy.So far everything has been great and seems to get better as we get to know eachother more. Usually when I start dating a girl I can find some thing that I don’t like about her and I convince myself that it is not something I will never get over and spending forever with that person just wouldn’t work... But with this girl, I can not come up with anything that I don’t like about her... and that makes me want to try hard to make things work long term with her. EXCEPT she told me early on that she has herpes... Ofcourse that has no effect on who she is as a person so I told her that it doesn’t change how I feel about her, and that is true...I’ve been researching a little bit about symptoms and treatments and transmission. Ofcourse while our relationship is still young, I will do what I can to avoid getting that from her... but it seems to me that in a life long relationship, it is almost inevitable that I would eventually get it from her. From what I’ve read the symptoms are usually not that terrible and if I eventually feel like her and I will stay together forever, then I think I can accept the symptoms.BUT I have some concerns that I don’t really feel like talking to her about (because I don’t want her feeling bad etc), so I’m hoping someone on here might have some insight...Anyway... The biggest thing in my mind is oral sex... because that’s something I feel like I really like, and I would sorely miss... again thinking in the long term where we are committed to spending our life’s together, I’m mostly prepared to except the fact that I would get herpes from her.... So, suppose I go down on her and I get herpes on my mouth... so then I have mouth herpes, whatever... then if I go down on her again, could I get it in a different part of my mouth? Or is it more like once you’ve got it, you’ve got it? I guess in my mind I see one version that is we both get it, it’s not ideal but is something we can easily live with and it has very little effect on our intimacy except during an outbreak. OR the other version which is unless we use barriers all the time, we will both end up covered head to toe in herpes sores...If anyone has any thoughts to share about how herpes has effected your life or the life of someone you know, please share with me about your experience.Thanks
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2021): Hey man, congratulations on possible finding a future, I wanted to answer here because I'm in your situation, just a few years advanced! My girlfriend told me after a few weeks of dating that during some dark times for her, she ended up contracting Herpes, she'd only ever had one outbreak at the time, the original. I'm not going to lie and say I didn't worry at the time, both for her pain, and for catching it myself but I'd already decided she was the one so a minor infection wasn't going to stop me. We did some research, a hell of alot of reading (and speaking with a professional when she had an outbreak) about how to manage the infection, what can help, what can reduce the likelihood of an outbreak (stress, good health, tablets) and what can ease the pain when an outbreak occurs (they often sting her alot). The fact of the matter is that 3 years later I've not developed any sores. She knows when an onset is coming, she's only had about 3/4 outbreaks since we met, and we manage them when they happen, I'd love to say we always have safe sex and I'm super protective, but we are in a long term relationship with a view for the future.. And as for your oral question fear not, I regularly visit that region and I've got no sores around my mouth either. It's not the end of the world and doesnt mean you'll be infected too, you might catch it by accident, as might I, but even then, its a small pain every now and again, but for the "one" anything is worth it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2021): I wanted to add a bit about the female condom.
First of all I'm a guy and I think they feel better than a normal condom!
Second, I don't know about Canada, but they are kind of hard to get in the USA. I had to mail order them from another country the last time...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2021): "Your gf has gotten the virus by practicing unprotected sex. She may have been cheated on, who knows. But, has she been tested recently for other STDs?"
I would like to respond to this by saying that yes, unprotected sex is ONE of the options.
But you can get herpes while wearing condoms. For example if a male has herpes on his testicles, how would wearing a condom prevent his partner getting it on her vulva?
Another example: there has been some foreplay where genitals are rubbed together without a condom on, followed by using a condom for penetration. Herpes is contracted through skin to skin contact.
Having unprotected sex is pretty common with a trusted partner. Yes, she could have been cheated on. Also, she could have had a partner that honestly didn't know they had herpes (I didn't know for over two years). She could have a partner that DID know but was too afraid to say due to fear of rejection (not a great move, but definitely possible).
"I would always, ALWAYS, put my health first. Everything is in constant flux, things change, nobody can guarantee the future. You need to protect yourself."
It's true that you could definitely get herpes and then break up. That would kind of suck. BUT for most people herpes is a minor skin disease, like a pimple. It's unlikely to be something that's going to really effect your health. Something else that is bad for your health? BEING LONELY.
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A
female
reader, Tanukib +, writes (23 January 2021):
First of all congratulations on meeting someone you're serious about and also about not freaking out about herpes! I have had herpes for about 17 years now and I can tell you it's definitely not worth throwing a good relationship away for!
As you are obviously a smart person, I'm sure you'll be looking for a good resource to find out more. I found it infuriatingly difficult to find good information online but this is the best one I have managed to find: https://westoverheights.com/herpes/the-updated-herpes-handbook/
There is also a book you can buy called "The Good News about the bad news" https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/6522384-the-good-news-about-the-bad-news
To answer your oral sex question. You can only contract herpes once. It will normally appear in the same place over and over again, (this is what has happened with me) but it CAN move around. It's related to what nerve the virus travels down when you have an outbreak. So once you both have it you don't have to worry about being careful with sex. You've got it - go wild!
If you want to try not to get it the most effective way is for your girlfriend to take a prescription drug. https://www.infectioncontroltoday.com/guidelines/fda-approves-valtrex-caplets-reducing-risk-spreading-genital-herpes
One study suggests condom use for men are not that useful in protecting men from herpes in women (due to very low transmission rates anyways) but counsels that not having sex during an outbreak makes a significant difference. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11427138
I have been seeing my current boyfriend for one and a half years we have fully unprotected sex and I took valtrex for the first 9 months and now don't even bother with that. He has not caught it yet and if he does catch it it's not a big deal. We don't have sex if I have an outbreak. However, I have had the virus for a long time which means that I am less infectious than if I had newly contracted it.
Herpes is really not that scary, the main problem is the stigma BY FAR. Even if I have an outbreak now, it barely bothers me. I would be perfectly happy to have sex during an outbreak if my partner had it too - it really isn't that bad at all. You can have a really awesome sex life with herpes, trust me ;)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2021): First of all congratulations on meeting someone you're serious about and also about not freaking out about herpes! I have had herpes for about 17 years now and I can tell you it's definitely not worth throwing a good relationship away for!As you are obviously a smart person, I'm sure you'll be looking for a good resource to find out more. I found it infuriatingly difficult to find good information online but this is the best one I have managed to find: https://westoverheights.com/herpes/the-updated-herpes-handbook/There is also a book you can buy called "The Good News about the bad news" https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/6522384-the-good-news-about-the-bad-newsTo answer your oral sex question. You can only contract herpes once. It will normally appear in the same place over and over again, (this is what has happened with me) but it CAN move around. It's related to what nerve the virus travels down when you have an outbreak. So once you both have it you don't have to worry about being careful with sex. You've got it - go wild!If you want to try not to get it the most effective way is for your girlfriend to take a prescription drug. https://www.infectioncontroltoday.com/guidelines/fda-approves-valtrex-caplets-reducing-risk-spreading-genital-herpesOne study suggests condom use for men are not that useful in protecting men from herpes in women (due to very low transmission rates anyways) but counsels that not having sex during an outbreak makes a significant difference. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11427138I have been seeing my current boyfriend for one and a half years we have fully unprotected sex and I took valtrex for the first 9 months and now don't even bother with that. He has not caught it yet and if he does catch it it's not a big deal. We don't have sex if I have an outbreak. However, I have had the virus for a long time which means that I am less infectious than if I had newly contracted it. Herpes is really not that scary, the main problem is the stigma BY FAR. Even if I have an outbreak now, it barely bothers me. I would be perfectly happy to have sex during an outbreak if my partner had it too - it really isn't that bad at all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2021): I have had herpes for about 16 years. After the first couple of years I very rarely get outbreaks, the only problem with having herpes is the stigma surrounding it. There is a book you can buy called 'The good news about the bad News'. By Terri Warren that will answer all your questions.
In respect to your main question, you only get herpes once, you can't keep reinfecting yourself. It is possible that the place it presents itself can move, do the same infection could appear one month in the right corner of your mouth and another month in the left corner. However I don't think this is the norm and I personally only ever get it in one place. If you already have type 1 herpes it offers some small immunity to type 2, but it is not full immunity. I have been having unprotected sex with my current boyfriend for 1.5 years including oral and he hasn't got it yet. Your girlfriend can also take a prescription drug that will reduce the likelihood of infection. I took that for the first 9 months or so but haven't been subsequently. If I feel like I might be getting an outbreak we just don't have sex until it's gone. I've had it for a long time though, which means it's less contagious. The longer you've had it the more your immune system has it under control. Well done for not freaking out. Read the book and you'll be able to make some informed choices. Herpes really isn't a big deal. Congratulations on finding someone whose a great partner! I wish you happiness!
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A
female
reader, CarrieSoa  +, writes (19 January 2021):
 I would firstly like to say well done for taking care of yourself sexually. It is the most important thing to do when getting into a new relationship. These are perfectly justified questions you have and you should discuss them with her. Communication is very important in a relationship and you should feel safe a free to discuss anything that is on your mind.Oral sex with someone with herpes can can continue. There are so many sexual protect products on the market that will help you with this. A dental dam can be used on the vagina and anus of a person and protects skin to skin contact, but oral sex can still be performed. If you speak to her softly and calmly and share these ideas of using a dental dam then you won't hurt her feelings.she can also use a femidom if you don't feel like wearing a condom and you can wear and condom when she doesn't want to wear a femidom. Staying protected during this relationship is important. If you want children down the line then that is when you consult a doctor. Please don't worry about this, it's really not hard to get around and you can continue into the relationship happily knowing there are many things out there that can help you have a safe intimate relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2021): What herpes virus are you talking about? I suppose that you mean Herpes simplex 1 and 2 that can be both in your genitals and in your mouth.
Nobody can tell you anything with a guarantee. Doctors can present you with several possibilities, but they cannot say how you will react once you get it.
One thing is for sure, some people who have it do not have symptoms but they can never the less spread it to other people. That is why testing is important before deciding to stop using protection.
Your gf has gotten the virus by practicing unprotected sex. She may have been cheated on, who knows. But, has she been tested recently for other STDs?
Back to herpes. It's not life-threatening, but it can be extremely annoying.
Now, what happens if you knowingly put yourself at risk and get the virus and you break up?
I would always, ALWAYS, put my health first. Everything is in constant flux, things change, nobody can guarantee the future. You need to protect yourself.
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