A
male
age
36-40,
*uy893
writes:Thanks for all responses. Much thanks.This is a long complicated story so bare with me. My girlfriend and I have been going out for 4 years now. It has been kind of a decrescendo it seems. She was brought up without a Dad and her Mom taught her to be self sufficient which I applaud, but it seems she also taught her “my way or the highway”. I bend over backwards for this girl because she does mean a lot to me, but she always seems to find fault in small dumb details and make mountains out of mole hills and...well just keeps asking for more and giving nothing back besides some “i love yous”. I have put off many family things to do stuff with her and my family sees it and always asks me if I am doing okay because I don't seem myself. Let me also add that she is the girl that will never never never say “I'm sorry” or admit fault so it's absolutely impossible to “calmly and firmly talk to her about my concerns” as is cited in many posts. Does this ever really work for people? Really? Because it always makes things worse and explosive in my experience. Recently though, she realized she doesn't like my Dad or Step-mom and basically doesn't want me to ever go there and just wants me to stay with her and visit with her family (my girlfriend and I currently live together). This weekend I came over to my dads to watch his dogs and hangout with my teenage brother and sister for him while he is out of town, and she went to her familys. Before I left however, she threatened that if I walked out that door to go to my dads, that we were done because my brother and sister could handle themselves without me. My dad asked me specifically to come and just make sure everything would be okay so I said yes. My girlfriend did make good points though that I am a push over and always say yes to anyone that asks me for help. I told her that I know, and that I was trying to work on it. Eventually I calmed her down and shes not happy, but dealing with it. I love my dad even though he can be harsh, so I am not just going to abandon him for this girl.I should also add that we graduated college together but she is now in graduate school and makes me feel like she is out of my league now. She holds that over my head as well, and constantly brings up the fact that she is grad school while I didn't make it during arguments. It honestly makes me feel like sh** and am on the verge of getting depressed because of her. She is always putting me down and making me so nervous that I really don't know why I stick around.I'll admit that this is my first real relationship so I am not sure how to handle some things and yes, I am a bit insecure because of this and afraid to leave her. Being recently graduated and how the economy is, I don't really have the means to support myself nor does she, so we are kind of relying on each other right now financially. Obviously moving back in with our parent(s) would be a last resort. I just don't know what to do: breakup or stick with it. I am at the end of my rope guys so I would love any bit of advice. Sorry for the rant, I just needed to let it out finally....
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male
reader, guy893 +, writes (27 May 2013):
guy893 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a lot everyone. I really do appreciate everyone's input. I agree with everything everyone has said. I think for now, it would at least be best if we just stop living together and see how things go after that. I'll try to keep updating this post as this progresses. Thanks again for all the help! It's nice to see other peoples POV.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2013): Hi friend.You mentioned she holds her gradschool status above your head and makes you feel like s^^t-- that isn't healthy.I'll admit that this is my first real relationship so I am not sure how to handle some things and yes, I am a bit insecure because of this and afraid to leave her.My best friend was in this same situation: he wouldn't break up with his first real girlfriend even though she was treating him horribly. She hated his mom too (who is a sweetheart!) and always complained when he wanted to visit them. Anyway, she was completely inappropriate and disparaging with her behavior. It just got worse and worse and he developed depression... which made it even harder to leave her... and finally, thank heaven, she dumped him and it was over. He remained depressed for years and thought all women were bitches... then he happened to meet a nice lady and they've been dating for a couple years now.What I'm saying is, please, break it off with your girlfriend. If you don't think you can, at least take a "break". Being recently graduated and how the economy is, I don't really have the means to support myself nor does she, so we are kind of relying on each other right now financially. Obviously moving back in with our parent(s) would be a last resort. I completely understand this because the same thing happened to me. I lived with my boyfriend but even after our relationship faded away I kept living there due to financial reasons... which made it worse because we were forced to interact. You mentioned moving in with your parents was a "last resort"... but if your parents aren't abusive, I would recommend you move back in with them, even if only for a few months. It's a great way to save money and I'm sure they wouldn't mind if you mention the situation to them. Twenty years ago living at home after college might've been seen as lame or signify FAILURE... but nowadays it's commonplace because of the economy.In my case, I finally had the guts to move out of my boyfriend's apartment... and I did move back home with my parents. I lived there for several months and saved up money... and now live in another apartment with roommates. I'm really glad I got out of that situation and am able to act natural and freely again. If you end things with your current girlfriend, you will be free to like your family members as much as you want, and people won't be implying you're a loser because you're not spending thousands on graduate school.I know everything's easier said than done, but please do think about your situation, and consider moving out. I don't know you personally but no one deserves to be treated like shit, especially by your girlfriend, someone who's supposed to love and support you.Also, most girlfriends do not treat their boyfriends like s^^t... so the odds of you meeting someone nicer are very, very high. It may seem daunting now but you will find another serious girlfriend after this lady.Best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (27 May 2013):
 Break up. Someone with controlling behavior is ever able to stop being that way. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this girl? Unable to see your family just to avoid a fight with her. She shouldn't be asking you to stay away from your family. Even if she doesn't like them. That would have been it for me.
Leave her and find someone who doesn't have so many issues to work through. You guys are both still young, you're not married and you don't have any children with her, so I would get out now before it's too late.
She isn't going to change and you deserve to not have to walk on eggshells just because you don't want to set her off. She is in charge of herself, you aren't in charge of her behavior. you are however in charge of your own and if you don't want to deal with this anymore. Leave, break it off and move out.
Trust me. Good luck to you, I really hope this all works out for you.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (26 May 2013):
Time to walk away and never look back. Tell her that you really care about her but you aren't happy with the way she treats you and there's nothing she can do to fix that, you're just not right for each other.
I would never recommend putting up with this type of behavior, it's just not worth it. Imagine getting married to her and having children. You think you can't take any more now?
There are plenty of women out there, so don't stay with someone who makes you unhappy because you don't want to be single. You could find someone with all of her positive traits but without the controlling behavior.
I don't know where you live, but the economy isn't THAT bad. Go to one of those roommate websites. Find a couple of guys to move in with to split the bills. You could work at McDonald's and afford that.
Don't waste any more time with her as the perfect girl could be just around the corner. That's been my experience at least!
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A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (26 May 2013):
 Sorry, sent too early. Grad school or no grad school, I'm sure you have a lot to offer someone so get yourself out of this toxic relationship so that you are free to start a healthy one when you meet someone nice. Don't put up with crap from people. A relationship is supposed to make you feel good.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (26 May 2013):
Going on what you've told us in this post I would say leave. You sound like a nice guy and there are nice girls out there who would appreciate and support you. This girl tells you you're a doormat and then she walks all over you. What do you actually get out of the relationship? Your relationship with your family is none of her business and she has no right to make you choose between them and her. In fact, when someone gives you an ultimatum, you should walk from them because it's emotional blackmail. Do this and I'll take my love away. It's manipulative and selfish and she's not doing the things she's doing for your good. It's all about her.It this is not the future you want for yourself then you have to get out. Sooner is better than later. Why drag things out? You're clearly unhappy, she treats you like crap and tries to come between you and your family. You have a lot to offer, Graff school
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