A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Hope you can help me. I am 33 years old. I have been with my partner (not married) for 2 years. He has 2 kids whom I love to bits and I don't have any, but my fella does want more with me. When my boyfriend was in his late teens, he met the mother of his kids. They were together 9 years and in that time, they went bankrupt. My fella stayed with her but my understanding is that she was horrible to him, but he stayed for his kids until she threw him out 5 years ago. My fella is the same age as me now and has learnt his lesson and is very careful with his money. He met me 5 years later, and we waited 8 months till I met the kids and I was really happy. However, the mother turned nasty on me and told me she would make my life hell. Anyway, the mother threw her 14 year old out (not my fella's but as he had been in his life, his parents took him in and take care of him, biological dad is out the picture). Anyway, time went on and we decided to move in together. We went and got part time jobs to save, he decided to do some training to get a better job and still needs to do more, but we were happy. But we have now moved in together and so much has changed. We don't get any time together as he has the kids at the weekend and he works all hours as do I. I have just started a uni course. My biggest problem though is his kids and I have been getting along brilliantly and we were very close. His daughter regularly told me she loved me, we made our new house theirs and they were very happy, until the ex realised this and is now turning those kids away from me. The eldest who loves being loved back chats at me, tells me I can't go anywhere near his dad and is a little disrespectful. His daughter doesn't know what to do around me. She is angry because she tells me she hates her mum cos mum doesn't like me, but then when we get them at the wknd, she is just naughty, loud and back chats. The mum tells them they can't speak to me, to disrespect me, that I am nasty and the list goes on. However, the mother likes her social time and will never give that up, so she has openly admitted to the professionals that she knows her children and will make them hate me. My fella stands up for me and tells them not to be rude, but sometimes this doesn't do anything. I tell them they should stop aswell, but as they are at home with their mum all week, they then come to us and takes ages to calm them down. They tip toe around me litterally. If they want to say something, I encourage that, but they then change there minds and don't say anything or back chat. We have moved house and can't stay there at the weekends because mother doesn't want it(even though the children do) so every weekend, we go to my other halfs parents house and sleep on the floor just so my fella can be with his kids..this has been happening for the past 4 months now. Anyway, just recently, I have been feeling really down about it. My fella comes to me with everything and then when the kids are there, I have to do all the jobs as he wants to spend time with them and I really want a weekend, but the kids need daddy time and we need a clean house and washing. Weekends are always full with parties and football, but I am just stuck here. I live out a bag at wknds aswell so cant get settled or get a normal routine. I feel as though I am being taken for granted big time sometimes. My fella told me I have made his life better but I have a very pressurised job and trying to be good to the kids constantly, having no time with my fella and having no money and having his ex hate me is taking its toll. I also wonder if we will be able to take a mortgage on at some point. I am just 'there' - when it comes to weekends, I organise activities, try and spend time with the kids, but its like I am a slave having to do everything. I decided this morning to come home on my own and spend some alone time, he has not called but just hinted that he wanted me to come and help him at work. I don't feel special and wanted, just a figure at the moment. I love my fella and he loves me...he really does, but just takes me for granted. I get very upset when the children disrespect me, but I know why they do...they are lovely kids, but she is turning them into little monsters sometimes, as she did with her 14 year old who won't speak or acknowledge her. I ask myself why am I putting myself through this...is this normal? Advice would be appreciated. am happy, then sad, then miserable then question my sanity! Please advise as I am trying my best with everything. Thank you. x
View related questions:
at work, bankrupt, his ex, money, moved in Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (28 May 2013):
you have got some great answers here but I have to say it sounds like you are doing too much. keep on saving that money for a deposit but dont even think of spending it on a house with him for the time being. he really is taking you for granted and I suggest you take some time out by maybe only going with him to his parents house every second weekend/week. the alternate days you can take some time out for yourself at home, and relax while getting some space. hope it all works out for you x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2013): My thought is- having kids is a huge responsibility.. but it is NOT an excuse to (permanantly) dump all your other responsibilities on someone else.Explain this to your partner and say that you will not continue to spend every spare minute doing HIS chores. I suggest that you divide chores up into his and your's (some you dont just end up making up his failings anyway!)So when the bins aren't taken out /lawn isn't mowed or whatever- he sees the issue and has to step up.Regarding the kids- I love anonymous' ideas re openly verbalising the mean comments being said about you to his kids'. Expose her 'cloak and dagger' methods and they become quite laughable. It is the fact that they are being said as whispers behind your back that give no opportunity for anyone to question them. However, if the kids continue to be genuinely rude and nasty- stop doing things for them, and if they continue to make you unhappy being there- leave him to his weekends with them. That way- he has to sort it if he wants to make you work as a family. This shouldn't all land on you, so make him pull his weight to make you feel welcome and wanted at his side.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2013): I was in relationship like this. It got to the point where I was so depressed that it was ruining my studies. I got c's and d's at a level when i should have got a's and b's. I only just passed my first year at uni.
But at the start of my second year at uni I realised that if I wanted to pass this course and do well in life I needed to get rid of the thing holding me back- the fella and his monster kids. So I did. And I've never been happier. Since then I've traveled to South African. I've got a job from volunteering here. I'm having a great time.
So what I'm saying is I think the best option is to leave him. You will look back on this and realise how bad it was. Things won't get better if he is not prepared to talk to his ex and tell her to stop poisoning the kids against you. He's not interested in getting a mortgage with you either. He just seems to be using you and your miserable. It's going to be a downwards spiral if you don't get out.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2013): Thank you. Again I told him but he ignored me all night :(
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2013): Hi there.You do indeed seem overworked! Try communicating this to your fella: "I'm glad I can help out but I think I need more time to myself, or time with you, otherwise I'm going to burn out. Any suggestions?"I'm 26 now, but as a kid I was caught in the middle of a divorce. My parents split up and a new stepmother appeared on the scene. My mother hated my stepmother and said nasty things about her... and so my elder brother was like your fella's 14 year old, always back chatting and hating our new stepmother. However, ten years later, even my elder brother likes my stepmother as he's come to realize she was always nice and had the kids' best interest in mind.What I mean is this: take heart, it can get better. My advice would be, somehow, to verbally acknowledge what is being said about you and to not get upset... but rather laugh about it and show them, with your actions, how you are in fact just a normal, nice person. For example, you could say "I heard someone called me nasty! Hahaha... Usually monsters are nasty. Am I a monster? Well sometimes my hair looks messy so maybe I look like one! Hahaha"When I was a kid (and my mother always complained about my stepmother) apparently I said some mean things to my stepmother... but honestly I do not remember at all, because I was just repeating things my mother said, not how I actually feel.In conclusion: Try to not let the kids' words get to you. But, talk to your fella about how you're starting to feel overwhelmed and something needs to change.
...............................
A
male
reader, welshyvaughan +, writes (27 May 2013):
 I advise that you sit the two children down and talk to them about how they shouldn't listen to what their mother has been telling them and it isn't true tell the older kid to show some respect to you as you are in a serious relationship with his father. Dont make it a way of turning them against their mother and make sure that the kids don't turn against her, explain why their mother is doing so in a sympathizing light. This could help and possibly make it easier on you because there is less pressure to impress the kids. Explain to your fella why it is you feel like you're being taken for granted and try and get him to realise the way he has been treating you on weekends leaves you feeling like a slave. If he loves you like you explain he's understand and possibly take on some tasks himself. Hope this helps :) Best of luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, banditsmom1124  +, writes (27 May 2013):
 use tough love and stand up to them! refuse to give in to the mom-or the kids-...shes just trying to cause problems. if the kids disrespect you take something away for a period of time. if they keep disrespecting you take something else away. eventually theyll take notice and start respecting you but dont give up!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2013): I would also like to say that I have been saving my money for a deposit on a house, he can afford to put a little away, but just won't. I feel I am doing everything in this relationship, and when I get stresses or upset, all I get is 'sorry you feel that way, love you'. After so many times said, this gets frustrating! I then won't hear from him as he thinks I need space when I don't! Sorry for the rant and thank you for reading.
...............................
|
