A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid,I have been dating my girlfriend for 4 months now, and have known her for 5. And I am pretty positive now that she is a workaholic. She always told me that she had a weird work schedule, saying sometimes she would have to work late at night or at odd hours, and I said that was cool. It never really interfered with us, we would talk and text a lot and we would see each other about once or twice a week in the beginning. But as time has gone on she is less available, it takes hours to even get a text back sometimes, a short day of work is staying in the office until 9 pm. Then when she gets home she is working at home until 4 am sometimes, and she wakes up in the morning to do it all over again. This also includes working from home on weekends, and getting sent all over the world once every 2-3 weeks on average. There was one stretch where I didn't see her for 3 weeks (she was home those 3 weeks too). And we weren't really talking much during that time either.She works 100+ hours a week easily I would say. She has a good job, and gets paid well. It is not a situation where she has to work like crazy so she can pay the bills. But now I feel lucky if I can see her one day a week, and when I do see her it is for no longer than 4-5 hours.I went from trying to be understanding to annoyed, to angry, to depressed about this. She tells me it won't always be like this but right now I never see it ending anytime soon.I don't know what to do anymore. I do love her, and she loves me but when I try to think about us in the future I just can't ever see her having the time for me. I am always so readily available when she wants to see me, which is usually like a spur of the moment thing so we never really have plans, and my schedule has never been an issue for us. But to be honest I am getting tired of having to be ready on the drop of a hat just in case she might have a few hours for me.If I bring it up, I think it will cause a fight because she is going to say something along the lines of I should love her unconditionally, and I don't know what to say.I also worry that one day she will just drop dead from working so much. It hasn't caused any health problems at all yet but I just have a feeling it will catch up to her eventually.But I am looking for advice on my situation. I am thinking just not to mention it and start saying I am busy when she wants to hang out. That way she will have to deal with her own schedule instead of me always bending. Because I think in her mind this is fine the way it is because by me always being ready when she can spare the time, it seems like its working out just fine and nothing needs to change. I don't think I am being too dramatic or fussy. I would imagine if you want to be in a committed relationship you should be able to have time to spend with that person? If you are that crazy about your work, why even bother? I'd also appreciate any feedback from people who have been in similar situations. Thank you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): I am dating a workaholic guy....and after a few months without any clue I finally realised how serious this problem could be.
As we are older than you guys - it gets more complicated. Initially when i did not get a text reply back for hours I thought he was either not interested or he was having other women on the side. Now I am just too used to it...although not getting happier.
I hope you work it out!
A
female
reader, Caraa  +, writes (24 September 2010):
Hey, I don't know if you're still looking for an answer, but I've been in the same sort of thing. When I met my boyfriend, I'd just started working at a law firm and I was completely obsessed with my job. I didn't care whether I had to start at 5am, work late hours or even stay all night. I would've done anything. My boyfriend hated it. In the beginning he just said he was worried about me, but eventually he became annoyed and we ended up fighting almost anytime we were together. I hated it if he complained about my working schedule. After an exhausting and stressful day,I didn't want to deal with his complaints. I just wanted him to wrap his arms around me and not worry about anything. But deep inside, I knew he was right and even though I could never bring myself to say it, I was terrified of losing him. We had been on the verge of breaking up more times than I can count. Eventually he decided to book a weekend away and told me I could come if I wanted to make things work. My first instinct was to say I couldn't possibly go away, that I didn't have time, but when I gave it more thought I realized I wasn't going to lose my job over a weekend. I was one of the best things I ever did. It gave me the chance to relax and provided us with a chance to really talk about our lives together. I still work lots, but I've learned to not always let my job come first. I wasn't really happy with the constant, but I felt like I didn't have a choice. Sometimes you just need someone to remind you there's more to life. I absolutely love my job, and my boyfriend and I still don't see each other as often as we'd like, but the balance is much better now. I don't know what kind of job your girlfriends had and if it'd be possible for her to cut back her hours a bit, but things will probably get better if she can find more of a balance. It's not necessarily true that she doesn't want a relationship and that she'll never change. She may feel just as torn and confused as you do. Just talk (if you haven't already) and things will probably turn out just fine. Good luck!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): Auntie E you really just kind of hit my fears right on the head. She is a great girl, and I know I'll never have to worry about her cheating or anything like that. And to her credit i told her we need to see each other more and she has put in the effort. Usually when we fight, thats the first and last time we fight about that because the situation changes. But I am really worried about this one, because I am praying its not what you said. She talks about wanting to retire and not really liking her job but I don't know if she means it. She said the end of August things will slow down so I'm praying shes right because I think I will break soon :(
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A
female
reader, Auntie E +, writes (4 August 2010):
 This is a personality trait that will not - repeat --will not -change. People like her look for people like you - "always bending." You are not being too dramatic or fussy. You want a relationship! She already has one and it's with her job!... Move on - this will not change until it's too late - she will wake up one day and be 40+,not married and with no children and wonder where the time went. I've seen this before. Her job is way more important to her than you or anyone else will ever be. Find another girl.
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