A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 8 1/2 years and have been living together for 8 years. I moved out real young at the age of 17. Everything was going with well with he and I until and we talked about having kids and a couple of months later I was pregnant. Well 2 months into my pregnancy I caught him with another woman and I was able to confront the woman. She said she had no clue about me and that her and him had been dating off and on for 1 year and the she works at his work. He also had opened up a new no contract phone line to be able to communicate with her and he showed me proof he canceled it the day after I found out. He begged me to forgive him and said he does not know why he was doing what he was doing and that I was always the perfect girlfriend to him. He said he knew I would never do that to him. Since I am pregnant, I stayed with him, but told him that I would not forgive him for what he did. I also told him that it would be very hard to trust him. It has been almost 2 months since I caught him and I still feel the same way as I did the day I found out. I keep seeing images in my head of the woman he was with and all I can think is are they still talking since they work at the same company? He does not ask to go out anymore, but if he ever has time alone I always think that he is doing something and that he may have a new phone. Do you think men can change or do you think cheaters will always be cheaters?
View related questions:
moved out Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): Hello Sandman, I guess you can say that I will eventually forgive, but will never forget. It has been 2+ months since he did not go out alone, but just this past Friday he went to his friends birthday at his friends house to play poker, drink, etc. He called me, text me, and everything even without me telling him to. I guess because he knows how paranoid I am. I felt like I could trust him that night and I just think that everyone deserves ONE chance and if he screws up his one chance then it's definitely over.
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (4 August 2010):
 Cheaters won't necessarily always be cheaters, but a significant amount will be.
Your boyfriend has just been caught and the consequences of his actions were delayed for a whole year... He's also clearly comfortable with cheating and deception now so yeah... I think there's a damn good chance he would cheat on you again down the line.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sandman +, writes (4 August 2010):
 Before I answer your question there is something else that needs to be discussed. You state that you haven't forgiven him - and that you will never forgive him. If you will never forgive him, then why are you still with him? You aren't doing yourself nor your unborn child any favors. By continuing to be with a man you vowed to never forgive, you are setting yourself up for misery, stress, and anxiety - all of which can be completely avoided.
It's okay to be angry about what happened - that's understandable. It's okay to feel hurt and betrayed by your boyfriend - that's all normal. But in order to be able to move on in your relationship, you will HAVE to forgive him. You don't have to forget, but you have to forgive him. Otherwise, you are setting the relationship up for failure.
The reason I wanted to discuss this first is because whether he cheats again or not - you have basically determined in your mind that he will do it again. He could possibly change and never cheat again - learning the err of his ways. But he will NEVER be able to show you that he has changed because you refuse to allow him to show you he has changed. You refuse to allow him to show you because you refuse to forgive him. Your refusal to forgive him negates any good deeds he does because you will forever dwell on his past. You are not allowing him to recover from his mistake. If you truly want to continue a relationship with this man, you have to allow him to recover from his mistake. Take this metaphor: a man kills another and is put in prison. He does his time in prison and is rehabilitated and never commits any crimes again. However, the community remembers that he killed another man and therefore doesn't allow him to gain employment, attend schools, or do anything that will allow him to become a productive citizen in the community. What is the man to do?
Before you can ask the question of whether or not men can change, you need to ask yourself if you can ever forgive your boyfriend for his mistake. If you cannot, then your question is moot. If you CAN forgive him, then you can both begin to long, arduous process towards healing. It will take time - but if you truly want to continue the relationship and forgive him, and he never cheats again, you CAN say for yourself that men CAN change.
So yes, men CAN change. But are you willing to allow him to show you he has?
Hope this helps
...............................
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (4 August 2010):
 Cheaters in general never change. This goes double for people who get caught, rather than confess after one mistake.
Seriously, he cheated on you for a year, including while you were carrying his child, and you think he will change? If you cut him off from sex afterwards, he will have no incentive to be faithful; if you did not cut him off from sex, he will think he can get away from it in the future.
As much as every child needs a father, I'd have to say both of you would be better off without this guy.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): If you punish him enough and ensure that he is always made to feel guilty for what he did then you can be sure that he will cheat again.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (4 August 2010):
 Sometimes yes and sometimes no. This is probably a situation of he will always be a cheater. If it was a drunken mistake and they genuinely feel bad AND they told you rather than trying to get away with it then that can be forgivable. But an affair for a year were you had to catch him? No. Absolutely not. He had time to think about it, plenty of time to feel remorse, plenty of time to tell you. He most likely would cheat on you again if given the chance. I don't think he feels bad for doing it, he probably feels bad for being caught.
...............................
|
