A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:We've been together for 3 years, but this isn't the sort of thing where she gradually became less and less interested in sex... She's just always been pretty non-sexual, at least with me, anyway. We broke up for awhile about a year ago, and she had sex with a guy she dated for a month "more times than she could count". I think about that a lot, and think there's something wrong with me.She's beautiful, and I couldn't ask for a woman with a better personality, I love everything else about her, but sex has always been very important to me, and we have sex only about once every month to two months. And it's really beginning to take it's toll on me, it's making me rather depressed, and I have frequent thoughts about cheating on her out of desperation.If not for the lack of a sex-life, we would be the perfect couple. But I don't know if I can put up with this for the rest of my life. But at the same time I feel like it would be stupid to throw something so good away for something so trivial as not having enough sex.I talk to her about it every so often, and she usually either gets mad at me for "always pestering" her for sex (I don't, really).It also has nothing to do with me being unable to satisfy her, the occasional times when we DO have sex it's always great, she never doesn't have an orgasm. Whether it's during sex, or if I have to finish her up with oral.It just seems like it takes the alignment of the #$@%ing planets for her to be in the mood.We live together, we hold hands, lay together when watching TV, I give her a lot of massages, kiss often... Neither one of us wants to leave the other's side, so there is no lack of love whatsoever, that's why I don't want to end the relationship, because aside from the sex, everything else is going wonderfully.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2012): hey, this may sound a lil bit harsh, but i think you're not the "perfect couple". you see, love isn't really a thing. it's more like a prehistoric instinct that says you "this is a good companion to have children with". maybe you don't please her that good as you think. And yes, she may look like have an orchasm, trust me, the good at faking, especially an orchasm! If you want to have more sex, but still "love her" i don't see what would be wrong with, for example, having sex with a whore. a prostitute has nothing to do with any kind of relationship, but just sex. but your gf, may not think of this as i do. so be carefull. and if you still don't get the satisfaction you want, break up. then you won't be happy with her. better to do it now, then let's say over a year, then you will have an even harder time breaking up.good luck mate, hope i helped a bit.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 May 2012):
 Saying " if not for the lack of a sex life, we'd be the perfect couple " is like saying " if it weren't for the lack of a roof , this house would be my dream home ".
Total lack of sexual compatibility is not a trivial issue, it's a very serious one that jeopardizes the succes of any relationship. Unluckily in your case it does not seem that her low sex drive is due to trauma or mental blocks or depression or poor health or some other external factors that can be worked upon and modified- sorry to twist the knofe in the wound, but apparently she is not sexual with you but highly sexual with other people.
It's not your fault and nothing that you are doing wrong, I bet. You just do not click from that point of view. It happens.
Some people ( apparently including your gf ) think this is not a problem and they are more than willing to sacrifice sexual gratification if all other aspects of the relationship work fine. Personally I don't agree , I think that a relationship has only sense if it fulfills you both emotionally and physically, otherwise might as well be single and just hang out with good friends. Plus, lack of intimacy eventually foster resntment and emotional distance too. So, IMO, perhaps you may try couple counseling , but if your gf does not cooperate, and/ or if you see no results, by all means cut your losses and move on.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (15 May 2012):
 Doesn't sound like you have a lover at all... sounds like you have a companion. Sex isn't trivial to me, but everybody is different and you need to ask yourself "if she didn't change at all from how she currently is- could I be happy in this relationship?"
She didn't just gradually lose interest in sex- you say that she just never had much interest... yet, (I presume), she told you that she had sex with this other guy "more times than she could count". There's something wrong here.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (15 May 2012):
Doesn't sound like you have a lover at all... sounds like you have a companion. Sex isn't trivial to me, but everybody is different and you need to ask yourself "if she didn't change at all from how she currently is- could I be happy in this relationship?"
She didn't just gradually lose interest in sex- you say that she just never had much interest... yet, (I presume), she told you that she had sex with this other guy "more times than she could count". There's something wrong here.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (15 May 2012):
 Having read your posting at least three times, I must agree that sex just once every month or so, in your age bracket, would be very disappointing. All else, according to your posting, seems very nice. It would likely be too soon to move on, however. Give it more of a chance, and do talk about it - while also being very proactive with oral stimulation for her to initiate arousal. Even be willing to give, sometimes, without receiving, and see if that ignites more activity.
Every one of us, if normal, needs and wants sexual release, Her lack of interest needs to be better understood on your part, and make certain that there is no possible interest, elsewhere, on her part. You know what I mean, but stress and other pressures in life can also affect one's sex life. Try to be understanding if that can possibly be the case. Be supportive.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (15 May 2012):
 I don't think it is wrong for you to move on. Physical needs are very important -- especially to men. I would wager that a lack of physical intimacy for men is a primary reason why men cheap and why a great deal of marriages fail (not all, mind you, but a good deal).
It does sound like the physical passion in your relationship is dead. If I were you I'd express to her how important it is to you and how you feel your needs aren't being met. If there is something you need to be doing than hopefully she'll let you know. Is she still attracted to you? Have you gained weight? Is she resentful for something you've done? Do you spend time together? Do you romance her? Have you expressed the hurt you are feeling when you are turned down?
I am concerned that at your age (26 - 29) you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment. If your woman isn't meeting you half way in this department, you'll feel resentful and often times resort to using pornography, other women, or some other vices. Again, I must stress that physical intimacy is a super important part of a successful couple and that even though you get along nicely, if the fire of passion and love isn't there, you'll wind up resentful and bitter.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (15 May 2012):
 Dude, my ex was almost exactly like this! Told me about all of the frequent, adventurous sex he had had in the past with his exs, in cars, in pub gardens etc, yet with me, I was a sex pest for wanting sex more than twice a month! Even when we had it, it seemed like he was just doing it out of obligation! It really sucked.
Well, after 3 years of this I decided I can't live like this, I'm only 26! This was not the kind of relationship I dreamed of. It wasn't just the sex that I felt he was neglecting either, it seemed like overall he was just with me because it was convenient, like, he wouldn't make any real effort, would just fob me off with words when I expressed my needs, or make me feel foolish for feeling the way I did. Gah, when I think of how he made me feel... I was just soooo in "love" with him :(
So I left him. Then I saw his true colours. When we were together he refused to go on holiday with me, for 3 years. When we broke up he booked himself a holiday to somewhere he knew I wanted to go to with him. What a jerk! Ultimatly, if people want to only ever have their own needs and wishes met in relationships, and don't make an effort, they will end up losing a lot of lovers.
You are not unreasonable to want a bit of passion and effort from her end. But she has not got enough motivation to get off her ass to improve things between you. I remember how heart wrenching it was to consider leaving someone I loved over this issue, but I have to say, when you are not compromising yourself over something this important, you feel a whole lot better about yourself. I feel like I am getting back to myself again. I have space to think when my head used to be filled with worries, frustration, sadness and insecurities. Now I know he had his chance with me for a wonderful relationship, and he blew it out of laziness and self-centredness. What a lot he has lost, I am a very giving, passionate person.
Never accept less that you truly want and deserve. Always remember you get one shot at life, do what makes you happy. Love and feelings of attachment are chemical, and can be overcome. We make our own meaning and reality in life. This kind of thing won't improve, because it is only you that wants it to :( xx
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (15 May 2012):
 Is there something that you are not willing to do, that she needs done? if that is not the case, then there is nothing you can do, because she does not desire something that can change your sexual relationship.I would say that you should break up in that case.It is not wrong. If you see my responses, I try and remain very non-biased, but I am very supportive of women mainly. However, in this case I am most definitely siding with the male. Take it for what it is to you, but if you have a militant feminist taking a man's side, it means that you are most definitely in the right.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2012): You answered your own question. Sex is too important to you. Dump her for a girl with a healthy sexual appetite. She will only become more frigid over time and then you will have even more wasted time in this relationship.
Before you dump her though.. ask your self if you are getting her off each time. If not, no wonder she is not interested in you sexually.
Here's a rule, if you get off, she gets off first!
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