A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I know this is not a new topic, I know this has been discussed over, and over... i know that some of you will say get over it, but I don't think I can... Or at least, not always.My problem is that my girl friend has been with more people than I feel comfortable with. 16 guys she tells me about, and 2 women, plus a threesome (ffm). This is not new news to me, I found out about this before we were together, however, 8 months later I begin to find out details regarding her past which makes this very difficult for me.The worse of all this is that at first she had told me it was 18 (including the women), then that it was 14, and then back to 18... So I asked why would you lie to me about that? She said it was because 4 of them were non consenting and that she does not feel like they should be included... I asked if she was raped and she said that she felt as though she was. What really bothers me about this is that she was not raped, but was just either heavily intoxicated or on hard drugs... She consented at that moment, but I think she regretted it the next day...It makes me sick to my stomach to know that my gf whom I have so much emotion for would do this to herself. She says that she is not the same person, all that was in her past (about a year before she met me) but even though I know this is true I can not seem to get rid of this.I feel like a mess, because for the life of me I do not want to loose her, but then on the other hand I do not want to be with someone who does not respect them self. Of the 18 people she has been with, only about 5 were relationships, the others were one night stands, or attempts at relationships, or whatever...I have done so much reading and self thought about why this bothers me, what I can do to get over this, and what I should do in order to accept it... But, despite all my efforts, I feel like I can not fully over look what she has done to herself in her life. I fear that I will never be able to get over this, and if I stay with her I will live a lie, always have this cloud over my head, and not be able to fully love her like I so dream to do.In all my years of love and relationships I have never had to deal with this. I realize now that I should have NEVER even asked this question, never needed to know this stuff, and it would have been all right. However, the reason i did as was because of her actions in bed. She is an amazing lover, so kinky that it makes me crazy with thoughts about how she became the way she is. She is not my typical lover, but very open and premiscous in bed. I like it, but it makes me sick to know that she had been turned out by other men.She will do anything and let me use her to my imagination, in fact she begs me for that... And I know I am not the first man to experience this with her, and my fear is that most of the men she has been with have done what I do with her.Just to make it clear, I do not want a virgin, I do not expect for people to not have had a life before me, or to have guilt because of what they have done before me... But I feel as though our morals and values here are different, have been different, and will probably always be different.I don't think that I can be with her any longer having these thoughts in my head, but I am so torn as to if I should end our seemingly perfect relationship because of this one thing. But, when I make love to her all I can think is how she let all these other men use her before me, and liked it...I hate myself for letting this get to me, and I hate her for letting her do that to herself. What I dont understand about the 4 times she says she was raped is that if it happened once, why would she continue to put herself in that same situation 3 more times... It baffles me.
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drugs, her past, one night stand, threesome Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Traz713  +, writes (24 December 2008):
I know this reply is a little late, I just came across this question while searching thru the forum.I know, to a very far extent, what you're going through and what you mean and feel. I'm in the same situation as you are, unless things have changed in the past few months since posting.I met this amazing person online (in a different country) through a mutual friend. We chatted for months and became very close as friends and I got to know her a lot more, about her past life, her choices, her style of living.Then she got a job where I am and we met, and we hit it off. It just worked out amazingly for us. I love her like crazy now, and she feels the same way too about me.However, it does pop in my head. All the time. The number of guys she's slept with. I'm her first relationship. The rest were all flings and one night stands and just random guy pickups in bars and clubs. It bothered me a lot as well to know that she goes on a kissing fever while being tipsy, friends and random strangers too.I won't say I'm very cool with all that, and it does silently kill me from the inside, but still, I know that I love her, and that she loves me too. We are who we are from what we've learned and experienced. She says she's different now, and I want to believe her. So I want to work on it. I don't want to lose her.There are always ups and downs, and I'm prepared to fight myself and see things in a different way.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008): I went through the very same thing.
Everything she explains, you see in your head. It's no longer just her and you in bed, it's her, you and "them".
Then, when she notices you're attitude has changed, and she suspects that you now see her as the slut she is...
She lies and changes the story - because she can't possibly be a slut. So she justifies herself to the moon...
And, when all else fails, she pulls the "rape" card and cries on your shoulder. Those tears are shed to prove that she's the victim and you're the knight in shining armor.
She lies to be nice. And when you tell the truth, you're mean.
"And I find more bitter than death the woman who's heart is nets and snares, and who's arms are like bands..." (Ecclesiastes)
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A
male
reader, CorpusDei +, writes (10 May 2008):
 My question is - Now that you know all this about her, can you honestly say that she is a different person than she was before you knew this about her past? A person is the sum of their experiences, whether you know about those experiences or not. Today, she is still the same person that you were in love with yesterday, and the day before that and the week before that. The things she's done and the things she's gone through have made her the person she is today. If you love her, really _love her_, balls to bones, then you should accept her for who she is, past and all.Perhaps you should take a closer look at why you seem to feel so threatened by these things that are set so immutably in the stone of the past. If you fear that your relationship could potentially be threatened by promiscuity, build a trust between you that you can rely on. If you feel like you're coming up second best, take a step back and realize that she's with you _by choice_ and there have to be very solid reasons why.Our lives are going to be filled with people who, oftentimes, have pasts that we may be uncomfortable with. You, and I, and everyone, eventually has to make the decision that we are comfortable enough in our own skins to accept what other people have done in theirs. It's a hard choice to make, and a harder one to back up, but I hope you're able to. She sounds like she's worth it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2008): You're screwed.
There are a couple of options open to you now, but the bottom line never really changes. You'll hurt like hell for a long time and you'll hate yourself for having the feelings that you can't stop.
Unfortunately the only way out of this (that doesn't need to defy all basic understanding of human psychology in order to work) is for you not to get lied to in the first place.
I know it sucks because I've been there too.
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A
female
reader, growing  +, writes (9 May 2008):
 Hey thats great!!if you have already done that.
Don't worry,she won't leave you.it was so much of love through out and if for some reason she reacts different from the way we thought then,don't panic.Make her understand that you didn't raise finger on her,you were just disturbed after all your efforts not to be.
my fingers are crossed
*****o o*****
*
smile
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGrowing, thanks for your idea. I did not want her to know that I was publicly making our problems available, so I summarized my two posts together as if it was a big letter to her. I just emailed it to her... I hope that when I get home this evening she is still there... I probably worry more about her leaving me than her past =(
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): What your going through is normal for any human being, feeling like second best. You will go through multiple ups and downs in dealing with this ... this too is normal, what you brain is trying to do is sort it all out, what it means for you and the relationship and the future. Your mind normally will go a mile a second trying to understand all the implications, BUT BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF AND HER!!!
If she wants to talk and you don't feel like you can handle it, ask her that your not feeling good enough to discuss that and that when you feel up to it, you'll ask then.
Understand that your feelings are normal, and that it takes time to heal and move past these feelings. She needs to understand that you alone need to work through this if she questions the time your taking.
Again, good luck and please be patient with yourself!
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A
female
reader, growing +, writes (9 May 2008):
Bring her to this site and make her read the question you posted. she will surely show some change..
Am not kidding.am very serious..forget all your fears and just show her this.then there will be nothing left to discuss or tell her.she will know it all and if she loves you then you will get what you are looking for.
follow this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, all of you. Thank you for your insightful words, your help, and your care. It really means a lot to me that people understand where I am coming from... I tried to talk to her about this before, obviously how I got my details... Once it was bad, another it wasn't... I don't like feeling as though I am judging her, but it's this endless tick in my mind that won't let me stop.
What confuses me though is that one day I can accept it, but then the next I cant. It's like a roller coaster. I never know how i will feel 10 minutes, an hour or a day from now. I try so hard to control it, but I fail.
This relationship is great, it has been very rewarding for me and I really think that it could continue to be. However, where this all really comes to a problem is about some recent stuff I had found out about, where she had been lieing to me throughout the relationship... Not to an extent that I would accuse her of cheating, but... She has definitely done some very sketchy things. But all of this, everything, makes me question her & her past.
This is like a constant struggle with me. I am fighting myself here, and how can I beat myself? As much as I want to be with her, I don't know how I can.
I have done VERY EXTENSIVE research on retroactive jealousy, learning how to cope with your partners past, and everything except for professional counseling and medication. I don't think I would go as far as to go to counseling though... Mainly because I can not afford it, and I do not have time in my busy schedule.
I have come to the realization that there is no secret way to get over this. It is a very daunting problem. I read about guys who have been suffering with this feeling for decades!!! Decades, im not even exagerating. I can not imagine this problem persisting any longer than it already has. I would never forgive myself to waste my life with such horrible emotions.
In some ways I feel as though there is something she could do. Not change her past, but assure me that I am what she wants, and has always wanted. That I am her best lover, and the others can not even compare. That no one in her life has ever made her cum like me. That I am the most ambitious lover she has ever had and men have never touched her, kissed her, or anything like I have. The problem though is that she would never tell me these things, and if I told her I wanted it I could never buy into it.
Another problem for me is that she is, by all means, the greatest lover I have ever had. I am not shy, and I have been around with quite a few women. I have even partaken in some things which are very taboo, things she probably would turn a cheek to. But of all of them, she is the greatest. And I tell her that, but she does not return the favor.
So, my conundrum is that while she is my greatest lover, I am her subsidiary. I feel like every time we have sex I am in a constant battle with her past lovers. This is probably my own ego getting in the way, but I feel that it is important...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): If it's more than you can handle, leave her.If you truly want to stay with her, then you have to make the effort. My ex used to be like you (although my past is like 0,1% wild compared to your girlfriend's), and even though he said he wanted to be with me, he treated me so badly. So if you wanna be with her, I know it hurts and makes you angry, but please treat her the best you can.It's perfectly normal to feel how you feel. But if you decide to live with it, you have to find out how to cope yourself. My ex made a mistake here, as he wanted me to "cure" him of these emotions. No matter how much I tried to show him I had changed, he didn't believe it. It wasn't enough. Don't let these negative emotions control you if you don't wanna lose her.If it's more than you can take, then leave her. You don't have to suffer for the sake of loving someone. It may be tough, but you will find someone else. It may start hurting you more and more, so be honest with yoursel, examine your emotions, and decide if it's worth to fight them, or if you just have to give up.I truly hope that you could however, find a way to deal with this. If you have an otherwise perfect relationship, then it'd be sad if you lost her. Plus she'd feel devastated as she'd feel she did nothing wrong to deserve this (this happened to me). You don't have to erase your emotions. You don't have to pretend her past didn't happen. You just have to find a way to accept that whatever she did happened, trust that she has changed, rationalize the pain so it doesn't hurt as much and you can control it, and finally and most importantly, focus on the present and the good things she brings to your life.I wish you the best
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): I think you need to cut her some slack. Women at this age maynot be so tuned in to their feelings, as she sounds. Don't bring up the subject, and when she begins to say something about this past, ask that the two of you not discuss it, because it makes you confused and irritable. Hopefully she will recognize this and grant you your wish. The past is the past, it can't be changed, all we hope is that we learn from it.
For hating yourself, don't! It is a natural response that someone else has something you want for your own: exclusivity(?spelling?).
You need to accept her for who she is now, and not cloud it with the past. Forgive her and yourself and try your best to move on. If you need to, get in touch with your feelings and understand completely what these feelings mean and how they affect your needs, and then when comfortable and at ease to speak clearly with out pointing fingers or blaming or accusing, explain your needs to make you feel better.
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A
female
reader, growing +, writes (9 May 2008):
If i see myself at your place then it would have bothered me a lot more.16 times,5 relatioships,other 1 nite stands,2 times with women,4 rapes,threesomes...........
Am still thinking how to start with...!!!
okh lets go deep inside
4 rapes-no gal wud enjoy rape,so don't blame her for any of them.
5 relationships-if one doesn't work,then to come out of it,one tends to fall into another.so even that should not be the problem.
1 nite stands-parties,peer group and unsatisfactory relationship leads to 1 nite stand ,even after marriage;so atleast you know that it was all before and then you should be happy that she only had feelings for 5 of them and rest were just for fun sake.just imagine what if she loved all 16 of them and even women??? beleive me then you could be in much worse situation thinking that who will come next in her life after you??cos she love anyone and everyone.make sense??
2 women-she went for threesome and may be guy wanted two women,and as you are aware that she has more sex drive then she might have gave her consent and just enjoyed the time.
I am just making things easy for you.so that you can think with the enlightened mind.
you say that she is just perfect in bed and like to explore everything.rite???but don't you think if she is that way then it is just cos of her past.she had all that and thats what made her so hottiee...May be if she hadn't gone through all that she could be a shy gal and then you would never have fallen for her.cos you loved her for the way she is.you knew things before hand. then why you couldn't stop your heart???cos you loved the same gal.
I know everytime you make out,her moans reminds you of her past,but don't you think if she is that badgal then it wud have been very easy for her to hide her past,gals are smarter than boys.so she could have easily controlled her wild screams and moans but she still does it all,just to please you,to satisfy you.
Are you getting my point??
Trust her and love her.you can't do anything with past,you can just make changes in your present to make incandescent future.so just do that.
And yes ,if there are some other reasons that bothers you other than her past like she cheating you in present too then find out the reality.Though its true that love can change anyone but when sum1 had these number of sexual encounters then she is more prone to them.so make sure that you love her and just re check if she is just with you.
once you are sure that now its just you in her life then go with your heart and try to think the way i made you see.
got it???
best of luck!!
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe  +, writes (9 May 2008):
 Oh my God she certainly had a colourful past hasn't she?
One thing I find interesting is that she said four of them were without her consent whist under the influence of alcohol or drugs. If that is the case, why did she continue to put herself in a very dangerous situation? Even if she did report it, she would have a very weak case or could put four innocent men in jail because she consented at the time and then regretted it later.
She does not sound like the sort of woman you would like to take home for afternoon tea and meet the parents. Fair enough most of us have had a sexual past whether it was 1 or more person. If her past bothers you and you feel you cannot fufill this relationship then I would finish with her if I was you. At the end of the day it is your decision if you can cope with her past or not.
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