A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend has a bad habit of canceling our dates or plans if her family suddenly comes up with things they would like her to attend or do.We've been going out for a couple of years and this has gotten slowly worse, but it's at the point now where I notice it a lot. More than half the time when we have plans, somehow her family has something for her to be doing, and she calls to cancel. It's something that's really hard to discuss because she can always pull the "family comes first" argument up or the "blood is thicker than water" argument. In other words, I haven't been able to really explain my feelings. My feelings are not that she should never see her family, but rather that if we have existing plans first, at least some of the time she could reschedule her family, rather than ALWAYS rescheduling me. To me, sometimes is acceptable. If someone has a medical problem, some sort of emergency, whatever, then sure. But "We wanna go out to dinner"? Why can't she tell her family that she has dinner plans and that she'd be glad to go out with them for dinner tomorrow? I'd be fine with that...But like I said if I try to explain this to her she resorts to the argument of "it's not fair for you to ask me to piss off my family." Any suggestions as to how I can explain this to her and discuss it in such a way that she'll understand the problem better? Thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, franny1297  +, writes (8 June 2013):
 I agree with missaqua777. However when she cancels plans, she doesn't even rearrange to meet up again! You need to look further into this. Next time she says she's staying with her family, just agree to it, then find if it is possible to interact with her family too, to really find out what is going on. If she can't respect the relationship she's in, then she shouldn't be in one, and neither should you be in this unhealthy relationship.She's treating you as if your a choice, like if her family wasn't there then you would be second choice. This doesn't make sense. If anything YOU should be first, and her family should respect that. Remember, if someone is like this, they will never change. If she loved you she would actually stay with you.Maybe it's not her fault, try talking to her parents and asking them if you could spend just one day with her, and if they agree then she has nothing to argue about, will she. If she makes up something like she has other plans, forget it, break up with her there and then, she needs to be taught what it feels like to be rejected, otherwise who will. It just means she's not worth your time, people like this will always say they 'don't have time, they can't because. . . bla bla bla' I wish you the best of luck :DD
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013): This is kind of a minefield- it's not normal behaviour for a young person to choose to always hang out with her family over bf, and constantly blow him off for them. She's probably had some sort of very strict/ cultural/ religious upbringing- maybe abusive, either way her parents must have an abnormally tight hold on her; it's completely unreasonable and not normal for them to get p^^^d off at these things. Have a long chat with her amd explain you appreciate parents can be overprotective but it's crazy for her to cancel on you frequently and turn it back on you to start an argument- don't let her throw a strop cos it's a very reasonable point. As I say it sounds like there are some deep set problems with this girl, give her an ultimatum. Tell her she has to respect you and the relationship- if she can't do that then it has to end... It may be something that just isn't going to get better, in which case you're not a psychiatrist, the relationship is unhealthy.Good luck! :)
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