A
female
age
30-35,
*keez
writes:Hiya guys, i really hope someone out there can give me a good perspective on my situation.Im not going to go into detail but my dilemma is really the whole 'forgive or not forgive' scenario.I became friends with a guy and we decided to see each other. Things didn't work out because we both ended up seeing 'seeing each other' as different things.Anyways, the problem is, he told me few things to think he was a great guy saying he liked me and enjoyed my company etc but told my other friend i was just a 'f*ck buddy' (we had sex once, so I found it very confusing and hurtful he called me that) now I don't know if my friend was lieing or not but i asked the guy i liked and he denied it, but i was still very upset with other things with him that included smoking weed too much and not giving any effort in wanting to see me.So right now we are not friends. And my problem is that I know forgiving and forgetting will make me happier and the situation will just be forgotten, but the fact he has not made any signs of guilt or even that hes slightly sorry, puts me in a position whether I should be his friend or not. He really really really hurt me and did things that I don't know If I can forgive very easily. I've forgiven people in the past but this time I feel if I did I would be giving the impression what he did was ok. Plus it makes it worse that we had a friend group together and now that has been blown apart and I've kept away and not tried to hang out in the group, I will see my mates one on one.I don't like to hate people or dislike them but now I feel for the first time ever I should respect myself and not give them the benefit of the doubt and forget rather than forgive.What would you guys do? Is it ok not to forgive someone? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (5 June 2013):
Please listen to Cerberus here. Sage advice.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2013): OP I honestly think that forgive and forget is a misnomer or maybe I'm just wired differently.
I only forgive small menial things but I never forget anything, you learn no lessons from forgetting and I don't hold onto bitterness or resentment so I don't 'need' to forgive to move on from something.
A lot of people have screwed me over in my life time, you've already had a few and this guy is just one of them.
I don't forgive them I just don't care about them or what happened. I don't need to frolic in a summer meadow with a person after they hurt me, I just ensure they don't get a second chance to do it again.
OP one of the best lessons I learned in life is that trust varies in degrees and the most important trust of all is trusting yourself. If you can't trust yourself with a person then you must stay away from them, if you can then you have nothing to worry about.
OP in the grand scheme of things this guy acted like an idiot but he didn't go out of his way to hurt you, he was just an utter tool and you got stung badly by him. To me that would just be a lesson that the guy is not dating material, you've now learned you can't trust him with your heart or to be considerate of your feelings so you never trust him with those again.
In romantic terms he was an ass. But in terms of being a part of your social group I can see this being something you can move beyond to a point of accepting his company but doing nothing whatsoever to be close to him again as you know what he's like. You can simply put this down to him not being your kind of person. You have no reason to hate him in my opinion, and your anger will fade. Just simply demote him and put him into the 'meaningless acquaintance' box and leave it at that.
Never, ever forget what happened as you can't allow yourself to get close to him again but come on you don't need to be close to everyone you know do you? You're not one of these people who has to trust people completely or you can't trust them at all are you?
Take your time here OP, while it's still raw avoid him as best as possible, let go of the hurt but not the memory and let go of the bitterness too. He was an ass, but nothing here tells me he intentionally sought to hurt you.
OP never give anyone the benefit of the doubt. Doubt is your gut's way of telling you something is up, always listen to it and exercise caution when you have a doubt.
In your situation I'd take this as a lesson learned about this guy that he's unworthy of a relationship, he's not worthy of trusting with your feelings so you can't be close to him but if he's a good member of the group, is polite, accommodating and in general and okay guy who doesn't go around fucking people over then I would see no reason to cast him off or condemn him either. I'd be able to still hang around with someone like that on a group level and even enjoy my time with them in those circumstances but I would not have their number or ever speak to them, or hang out with them one on one. You don't have to like someone to accept them as part of your social group if they're not a prick to people in general, you'll see for yourself as time goes by OP, when a person is dick to people they tend to get weeded out of your social group by everyone eventually.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 June 2013):
 I'd say that more than about forgiveness , this is about decicing what counts in your life, what kind of people you want to be with, whom you can offer your friendship to.
Maybe this guy is just not the right person for you to be involved with at any level, therefore, forgiving him as in " letting go of your grudges, and of the disappointment of having seen him show his true colours " does not mean condoning his behaviour, and even less taking up again just where you have left and let him walk all over you again.
It just means that this is not important enough to make you suffer. People enters in our life : lovers friends colleagues etc.etc., some are worth and fit to stay in it, others are not. That's all. Once you can see this without ( too much ) bitterness - it also solves the problem of your social relationship. If you belong to the same circle of friends, you can keep hanging out all together, why not. You can be just normally civil with him,even cordial, you don't have to declare war , - but you don't have to make him your bosom buddy again. Not out of revenge or hurt, just because you realized he does not fit the bill.
It sounds to me like you'd be anxious to " forgive him " , i,e. bring back things exactly to how they were IF ONLY he'd show repentance. This is not going to happen. Probably he is not repentant - and there always two sides to the story, you've got to see it through his eyes. IF he slagged you off with common friends, yes, that he knows that was wrong. But you want him to also repent because he uses a lot of weed and you don't like that, and I am sure he CAN'T feel sorry because he likes something ( weed ) and you don't . To him that's just a difference in tastes and he can't feel sorry about it.
So , in comclusion, if by forgiving you mean pretending you weren't hurt and what he did was okay and restart being all chummy and best pals- heck no .He failed his test as a good friend, and you don't need " bad " friends.
If it means instead that it is an episode you can get over and still enjoy your life and group outings to the max., because you refuse to give it more weight than it 's useful to you, and to change your mood and habits because of one guy, - then yes, definitely yes.
...............................
A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (5 June 2013):
 It had taken alot of self talk and re, evaluating the situation for me to forgive a few people. I just come to terms and say what would I do if I was in there shoes. Thats the only way to bring closure and understanding to the situation even if you would have or have not made the same decisons. Its makes understand and cause a slight bit of humility and empathy. I do this often especially when people try to make me feel guilty for certain choices they feel slighted on or in. I see that in doing these re evaluations that its about choice even at times we arent given a choice. It is what it is.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2013): I say give yourself time. People can drop an emotional bomb on you sometime and they really don't realize the extent of the damage. Then there is the so-called messenger; who adds insult to injury, by spreading rumors or publicizing deeds and/or comments better swept under the rug and just forgotten. He didn't tell you as a friend, he told you as part of the smear campaign.There are two culprits here. The alleged perpetrator of the "f*ck buddy" comment, and the mouthpiece. The human dung beetle who felt it was necessary to spread the manure to you, and throughout your circle of friends. He should take responsibility for making all this public. Had he just kept it to himself, you would have never known. You weren't with the jerk anymore anyway. Really, who gives a flying fork what he has to say anymore? There are actually two people who owe you an apology. I think all you really need to do is forgive them and expel them both from your circle of friends. You can always make new friends. Grudges and pouting is really childish behavior and now that the word is out, just let it go. Don't give them the satisfaction of thinking they hit you so hard. Don't you see the motive?I think first of all, instead of hiding; I think you should not bare the shame of a childish ambush on your reputation.To hide adds credence to the deed, and you shouldn't be the one accepting all the humiliation. Show your face where ever you please and just let it roll off your back like water off a duck's back.Look how stupid he looks for saying it, and the other guy just couldn't wait to spill the beans. Just drop it and let it go. You don't even have to talk to or see either of these idiots again, unless you want to. This is like something out of grade school. It's totally infantile.Forgive, forget, and move on. Make some new friends, the old crowds sucks and abandoned you anyway.Gossips and rumor mongers destroy friendships and create havoc; because they get a cheap thrill out of the drama and chaos. They also feed on the humility of the victim. If the victim over-reacts or over-dramatizes, this gives the perpetrators the twisted thrill their looking for.Your humiliation is giving them a rush. Stop reacting and they lose their power. Treat them like stupid little boys.So you had sex once, he let it out. Why are you so ashamed of the fact you had sex with him? Take the wind out his sails and simply ignore him; and just let the dust settle.All you have to do is act as if nothing ever happened, hang out with a new crowd of friends, and no one knows if it was the truth; or simply a stupid rumor started by those two backbiting idiots. An apology doesn't matter unless the person who did you wrong is really sorry. He isn't sorry; so forgive and forget him anyway. Don't let him hold you emotional hostage waiting for words he doesn't really mean anyway. He's just pissed that you only gave it to him once, and you're ashamed it ever happened. Call it a draw.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (5 June 2013):
 Skeez,
I'm pretty sure Tisha covered it. You don't forget. Your memory is what protects you from making the same mistake twice. Forgiving is as much for you as it is for him. Forgiving never condones the hurtful behavior. If the offender didn't do anything wrong there would be no need to forgive.
Forgiving can help to heal the friend group. Forgiving does not mean that you need to date him again. Forgiving makes you a better person and helps you to heal. What do you get by withholding forgiveness? Another cold hard stone to hold in your pocket. Let it go.
FA
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 June 2013):
 Oh, and one more little thing. In college, there was a similar scenario for me. Full disclosure: I still don't like the guy. He's a part of my alumni group and friends with other friends but I just don't socialize with him. I have only been able to see him as a jerk ever since he tried to take advantage of me.
He's since gone on, married and raised a family, I encounter him from time to time. I am polite and that is it. I didn't stay away from my friend group at the time and I would recommend that you do not stay away either.
Be your usual self, ignore him as best you can and if you do have to have a conversation with him, keep it short and semisweet. :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 June 2013):
I think it's okay to decide you would like an apology for bad behavior and to be firm and kind about it.
"John and I dated briefly but it didn't work out. I heard he said some very hurtful things about me and it's been troubling me since then. I'm hoping to put that all behind me."
I would tell you to forgive him for not being the guy you hoped he was. Don't forget what he did, just forgive him.
Obviously, you haven't met your match just yet. The more you focus on this idiot, the less you focus on getting past this.
If the friend group is comprised of your friends then don't keep away. You need good friend support right now.
One more item: you can choose to forgive him and then observe him and his actions for the next year, and maybe that time and distance will be very instructive to you.
If you know that forgiving and forgetting will be better for you in the long run, then why are you clinging to this grudge so hard?
...............................
|
