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male
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*haft
writes: I am a 27 yr old male and my girlfriend is 21. We have been together for 8 months. I have been with 35 partners and she has been with 6. We continue to have problems with the fact that I have been with more people than her. I always reassure her that she means more to me than any other girl and that I would swap every girl I've ever been with to just be with her. We both love each other very much but and this proplem has been getting significantly better and we were making huge progress with our relationship until the other day when she found out I had a threesome with some girls 2 yrs ago before I had ever met her. To make matters worse, it turns out that she knows the girls and despises them. She says I am a whore and is disgusted with me and can't believe I would do something like that. She doesn't think she can be with me now. How should I handle this best?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2005): To the promiscuous fellow who wrote the initial question: Funny that you're username is "shaft". I think you're fooling yourself about your character. 35 partners by your age automatically suggests dirty one night stands. Perhaps you have gained wisdom in discovering who and what you want, but you're still hypersexual, and I'm not convinced that monogamy will work for you after the sex component in your current relationship dwindles (because it will inevitably do so). And as for your girlfriends new found security.....wait... wait until you start going out socially......And, it's extremely rare for a male to get tested for HPV (the cervical cancer virus), unless they ask for the test. I highly recommend you do that. So, SHAFT, good luck with your new quest for self awareness and fidelity. And perhaps you should begin taking a low dose of estrogen to keep your shaft where it belongs....to only one vagina FOREVER!
A
male
reader, shaft +, writes (8 October 2005):
In relation to the last posted answer i'd like to thank you for your response. Thank you for sharing that small insight into your tiny brain. You presume to know a lot about me without being given any facts that would suggest that i have or havent been regularly checked for any STD's or other such diseases. Unless i'm mistaken i didnt tell you whether or not i had used protection with my previus partners. My question is quite specific in relation to a threesome i have had in the past and how i can deal with helping her see past this.
I have been active in my past and in no way does the amount of partners i have had reflect the person i am today. I am very happy with myself and i love life. I believe i am actually a lot wiser for the amount of previous partners because it has allowed me to know exactly what i want in a women but more importantly what i dont want. Some people are lucky enough to know what they want early in the piece and are able to settle down faster.
I have very high standards and i am now in a position to give my girlfriend my whole heart unconditionaly with out any fear and with out any second thought of wanting anyone else. She is the most amazing person and i love and respect her in every aspect.
I would not be able to love her like this if i hadnt gained life experience down the path to finding my current and hopefully my life long partner.
You cannot love someone else until you have happiness and are secure with yourself so you can make a total committment to them.
I have always been checked for STD's etc and i have never contracted anything - I have always practiced smart sex - NOT drunk childish one night stands.
Thank you to everyone for your replies (except last) they have been most eductaional and helpful.
I have pleasure in telling you that my girlfreind is now very happy. We have talked and met and discuissed this over the past few days and she has buried it all and we have never felt closer than we did last night and this morning. With love and honesty and trust there is no mountain to high and no road too rocky to move forward if you are both working to achieve the goal of life long happiness and love.
Thanks very much - love to all!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2005): With 35 partners you'd better get scanned for every disease known to man !!!
If you are carrying the cervical cancer virus on your person, that virus won't even show up to you.
But you could kill your girlfriend with cancer, or
leave her unable to have children.
You should talk to your doctor and make sure you are safe for your girlfriends life's sake!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2005): She needs to accept that the past is past and all of it happened BEFORE she came on the scene. She should try harder to bury it and move on. She is obviously going to be very hurt having to think about this event and in hind sight a white lie to protect your partners feelings would probably have been more appropriate, how ever i commend you on your honesty. This should be seen as a positive that you are willing to be open with her and that it took you a lot of courage to tell her even though you probably knew in doing so would be a strain on the both of you. You obviously love her very much and thats all that should matter to her now. If it is absolutely impossible for her to deal with this then she has no choice but to leave you and try to find a guy who has lived in a padded room and or a bubble all his life until she meets him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2005): To tell or not to tell? It's always a little question with some BIG repercussions. I'm finding this to be a huge issue with both males & females, starting out in new relationships and I want to put my 2 cents in here. The way I see it-for you to share that you've had a sexual past was commendable and honest. It does show much you trust her and how you want to have a completely open, honest relationship with her. She needs to trust that you're being truthful when you tell her, you don't have any STD's, or any other surprise consequences of your sexual past. By being honest with her, she should be able to trust that when you're upset about something, you'll come and tell her about it. And in exchange, you both need to trust that you're both human and you both 'had sex with other partners" in your pasts and that it should be forgotten and you move ahead. So why can't she get past it? One problem: You've quite possibly told her "too much graphic information" and it's served to exacerbate her feelings of insecurity. It's obvious that her focus got shifted from your relationship with her...to her evaluating her own sexual performance and making uncomfortable comparisons (including unhealthy, imaginary comparisons) with your past lovers. Tell her to focus on the here and now, the present. Keep reassuring her what you are getting out of your present relationship with her. You both have been in this relationship just 8 months. It still needs time to get 'well seasoned' and to solidify the TRUST and RESPECT. Once that happens, she should be able to get past this. Give it time. Give it another 6 months and if she still finds herself obsessing about your past lovers, it might make sense to discover why she needs to do this to herself. She may need some input from a counselor, to help her with insecurity issues. And please, if you have done this, don't give her an further "details" of your past sexual conquests..that's informations she can live without. Basically, for the sake of the "health" aspects of a sexual relationship, she needs to know just a number, NOT the "where, who and how great the sex was" details. And if you have to keep telling her graphic information, ask yourself, why you find the need to keep telling this to her? Just some things to think about. This is just my opinion..take it or leave it.
Hugs,
Irish
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A
reader, pops +, writes (6 October 2005):
And you want to stay with this woman? Why? Niether of you are virgins, which is not exactly an unusual occurrence these days. YOu both have had multiple partners. Who is she to call you a whore? And why would you stand for it one minute? Move on, and find a woman who is more mature. This one will never grow up in time to make you happy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2005): Have you discussed your reasons for so many sexual partners? Have you discussed your plans on becoming monogomus in your relationship with her? Frankly, 35 partners by the age of 27 sounds pretty "whorie" to me. Have you thought about why you've behaved this way? Do you think you have enough self-control to remain faithful to this young woman you profess to love?
My answer to your question seems to be a lot of questions, but I truly feel you have some soul searching to do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2005): Hi
This is probaly going to sound harsh,but your girlfriend needs to get over her insecurities,it doesn't matter how many girls you've slept with and what you did with them before the point is ,it's in the past.Your 27 yrs of age did she honestly think that you wouldn't be sexually active and adventurous before you met her.I would say it's her problem but i know it doesn't work out like that,all you can do is reassure her but there comes a time when she will have to get over it,plus your not a whore just sexually active i'll be grateful for that my boyfriend at the moment is useless.
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A
female
reader, SherryFeels +, writes (6 October 2005):
If you have ever had the opportunity to view “Because of Winn Dixie”, certainly you found interest in the following scene. Consider the actress, Cicely Tyson, who plays a woman named Gloria. Gloria and her new friend, ten year old Opal (Annasophia Robb), are walking through Gloria’s back yard. Opal notices an enormous tree with hundreds of bottles roped from the limbs. Each bottle hanging independently, yet with each puff of air, a beautiful, peaceful chime fills the heavens. The little girl stares curiously at the bottles as the woman begins to explain their significance. Each bottle represents a bad decision Gloria has made, or rather what she calls “The things she had done wrong”. She continues to explain that the bottles are there to remind her of those decisions so that she may hopefully learn from them.
What about “Under the Tuscan Sun”. In this particular movie, Diane Lane portrays a woman, Frances, who struggles to find lasting love. Throughout the movie, Frances recalls advice she was given regarding relationships. Wait for the lady bugs. “Regrets are a waste of time. They're the past crippling you in the present”, Katherine reminds Frances.
Explain to your woman, you waited for the lady bugs, even in the midst of learning. You had to go through what you did to get where you are today, with her. One change in that road might have lead you down a road away from her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2005): You can realize that you were a pig, and probably still are. 30+ sexual encounters, and a menage while you're still in your 20's is pretty severe. As a woman, I wouldn't want to be touched by you at all. You spent most of your adult life trying and succeeding at getting laid. From the perspective of a dignified woman, this is not something you should be proud about. Because instead of being a man of strength, integrity, and morality, you chose to slut around and not focus on your own self development. Your past is testament to your lack in value for love and for women in general. I would be grossed out by your behavior, and your sense of ethics....you need to pair up with a woman whose sexual past is as dirty as your's. But, because you're such a pig, I highly doubt you could handle the concept of 36 different penises in your girlfriend. I feel bad for you. You missed the boat for some very important life lessons. And now you're so young and so tainted. Again, any self respecting woman will be put off by your past. Advice: go to your nearest red light district, hire a hooker and convince her to fall in love with you and leave that lifestyle. Because essentially, that's what you're asking your girlfriend to do for you. You give all men a bad name.
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A
female
reader, GISELA +, writes (6 October 2005):
Well I'd feel in the same way that your girlfriend. What you could do is to reassure to your girlfriend that you love her and that is much nicer to be in a relationship with her than being playing like a kid having threesomes with anyone. At the end of the day you feel much more satisfied sharing your life and experiencing romance and all the joy and happiness that brings being with a lovely girl that you really love than pretending to be a silly macho. It's important that you show her that you are not proud about all this empty sex affairs in your past and you recognize that you were only experiencing like a kid, that you are wiser now and discovered that being in a loving relationship gives you much more happiness.
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