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writes: I'm 21 year old, going out with this guy I lost my virginity to in 2002. I love the guy but he is too busy to spend time with me let alone to call me. I've tried telling him to let go but he just become too possessive and tells me our contract will be terminated by death. Lately I've met this guy who has been constantly calling me and smsing, reminding me how much he loves me. I did not want to discuss my problem with him. I just told him that I have got issues to solve and I cannot be in a relationship with him at the moment. I've developed some feelings for him. My problem is I dont know what to do.
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reader, pops +, writes (6 October 2005):
I would be much more direct than Bev recommends above. Call the police a file a criminal complaint against this nut case. YOu want in on file in case he does do something more than mere words. And then talk to a solicitor, or lawyer, if you are in the States about getting a restraining order. The piece of paper won't protect you if he attempts to kill you, but if he makes more threatening communications, you can have him arrested. And, the police will treat your complaint seriously if there is an order on file, instead of listening to his excuse that you are just being hysterical, etc. THEN, see a counselor, and get into a support group.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2005): Hun, I am very worried about you. Although you don't give us much info on your relationship you said enough. For your bf to say "our contract will be terminated by death". The hairs on the back my neck stood up! Now that is just plain creepy! That combined with his possessiveness make me fear for you. Possessiveness is NOT love, dear-it's control. Relationship violence is a pattern of behavior in which one partner uses fear and intimidation to establish power and control over the other partner. This abuse happens when one person believes they are entitled to control another.
He's also not calling you and is too busy to spend time with you. He's treating your horribly to keep you "off-balance, confused and needy". If his psychological attacks also include ignoreing your feelings, witholding approval, affection as punishment, critisizing. shouts at you, intimidation tactics...you need at act quickly and leave this relationship.
It is more common for young women to be victims of dating violence, but young men can also be trapped in violent relationships, as well. Many people don't even realize that they are in an abusive relationship. However, I get the feeling..you are realizing you are in an unhealthy situation here.
It's important to remember that all relationships have their ups and downs. But healthy, respectful relationships don't stay hurtful. It is important to recognize how often you feel disappointed, hurt, frightened, sad or angry in your relationships. Dating violence is not the same as getting mad or upset or getting in a fight. It's about using violence, threats or emotions to maintain power and control over the partner.
Please get away from him, asap. You may have to enlist the help of family and trusted friends to help you. Go and talk to someone NOW. Call the police or other authorities
Call a hotline. Find a counselor or a support group
Talk to friends. Do things for yourself that make you feel stronger. Take a self-defense class and realize that it's NOT your fault! Have the courage to get help. Take care, dear and I wish you the best.
Hugs, Irish
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A
female
reader, SherryFeels +, writes (6 October 2005):
RUN...RUN....RUN....
Not because you have someone else is better. Not because you are not getting enough time with beau. Run because you have no other choice. If you look at this situation as an option, then you are in serious need of a head examination. Terminated by death? Protect yourself. Care more about yourself than just finding a new partner. From what I have read, you would be far better off being alone for a while to learn how to care about yourself, learn about yourself, and obtain some self-worth.
If you take my advice, please visit your local authorities and explain the situation. Get a restraining order. But above all, stay away from this person. Do not engage in conversations discussing why you are leaving, just end it and move on. “Go Confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined”, Henry David Thoreau.
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