A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi ladies and gents,My girlfriend has recently said that she felt smothered by my attentiveness...she isn't used to how much I pay attention to what she says and how she feels, I'm not doing anything wrong because I'm lovely and adorable according to her. I ask her how work is going, how well she slept and if she had any lunch because she has been coming home a bit weak and weary from work when she hasn't eaten or had a drink. I also ask her how she slept and if she had any dreams because she has been having disrupted sleep due to nightmares and such.It is also part of my go to conversation starter. She has asked me to kind of stop asking her those questions because she feels like it's a bit intrusive and "I am monitoring her" but at the same time don't change because she will feel like the relationship is failing. I'm a bit confused. I have explained to her that I ask to make conversation and that I care about her well being, she tells me she is not used to men who pay attention to her and she isn't used to it. She Is now worried that the conversation is the start of the unravelling of our relationship and that we won't have anything to talk about, she wants to talk every day still.I love this girl but this has me feeling a bit confused and a little taken a back.I ask these questions because I care. Any words of advice or actions I should take? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (11 October 2016):
 I think she tried to assert herself but lost confidence midway and panicked because the conversation felt like conflict to her. I would go more with what she initially said. Something that also might be helpful is asking her about what forms of affection or attention she DOES respond well to. Look into love languages. Maybe don't do all this right now but if the pendulum swings in the other direction and she feels neglected, look into it then.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 October 2016):
 It is great that you care, but it sounds like she feels suffocated. Instead off asking her loads off questions, ask her how her day went, how does she feel and what she would like to do for the evening ect. If she wants to share information with you then she will.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 October 2016):
 So dial it back.
Tell her that if SHE will start to talk about her day without being "asked" you will try not to ask so many questions.
You two need to find a balance, this is not a disaster. (yet) It's just HER being honest and you not understanding her viewpoint.
You aren't doing anything "wrong" per say, but you might be over-doing the "interest" and question asking. That is why you NEED to listen to what she said and adjust your behavior. And hopefully, SHE will adjust as well by "volunteering" more about her day.
Personally, I'm like your GF in that respect, I would find it insanely annoying if my husband gave me the 3rd degree on what I did all day, even if he meant it in a good way and was just trying to show attention and interest.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (9 October 2016):
 When do you ask these questions? Is it as soon as she walks through the door, when she is still stressed from work, or still half asleep in the morning?
If you ask her the same questions every day, perhaps it feels like interrogation rather than genuine concern for her well-being.
I have a suggestion. Instead of bombarding her with questions when she comes in from work, what about asking her if she needs a drink and making her one? Then let her sit down and volunteer the information.
Or make her a packed lunch to take to work that she can eat if she doesn't get time to go out. That way you are still hearing what she says and showing concern for her, without putting her under pressure to answer lots of questions.
Some people like to relax in the morning or in the evening (or both). Getting questions fired at you as soon as you walk through the door can be quite stressful. She enjoys the attention, just not the constant intensity. Lighten up a little, give her a hug instead of endless questions. Perhaps limit the questions to week-ends, when you are both more relaxed?
...............................
|
