A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I started dating my boyfriend (newly ex) when I was 17 and senior in high school when he was a freshman in college. We have been dating for over three years, long distance but can occasionally visit each other on the weekends and breaks for holidays. We are now both seniors in college (I am graduating a year early bc of funds, which puts me at a stressful accelerated pace). We are half way through our second to last semester in college and I suddenly realized I am not getting what I need. I come with a lot of baggage because of my family situation and my bf has been there for me through it all. But that said, this has been three of distance. Of texting and rushed visits. I am affectionate and need physical comfort. What has gotten us through is the promise of the future. Being able to graduate college and live together, hopefully finding good jobs near each other. But I feel like I am more ambitious. I want a job out of state, and might even have the opportunity to go out of the country for s year. The thought of having to be long distance for one or two more years is unbearable. So I broke up with him, which is the strangest thing. It is like things haven't really changed, only when I go to check my messages and there aren't any. I still want to talk to him every day and at this point am very confused. It has been a week since the break up. My parents got married at my age and right now are in the midst of pushing for divorce. I grew up with their marital troubles and I think especially now, with them splitting because my mothers wants to know "if the grass is greener" I am just worried that although I love him, I am holding myself back, or I won't get what I need. He is completely willing to work with me and doesn't understand what I mean when I say I want to learn to be on my own because that is most likely what will happen next year. But at the same time, I just want to drive to his school now and hold him and apologize. The damage has already been done, but maybe we could bring it back together. Although, I think my reasons for the breakup are valid. I think it could be good because either we find ourselves and then each other again, or we realize we need different things. I just do not know what is healthiest or how I should go about losing my best friend, the person closest to me in life. Please any suggestions or advice. And if you need me to clarify anything I can. Sorry it is so long. Thank you.
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ambition, best friend, broke up, divorce, long distance, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, N91  +, writes (9 October 2016):
 I was just about to comment on the wicked post thoughts about being able to stay friends but noticed I had been beaten to it haha
I agree with everything that's been said by both posters, but I really don't think it would be fair to expect him to be able to remain friends. I'm pretty sure it would upset you both greatly if you heard that the other had met someone new.
I think you're just maturing and you've realised what you want in life and that there would be things in th future that would limit you. There's no need to be sorry for that at all, it's life. We meet new people, we drift apart from others we never thought we would do, it's a real shame sometimes but it has to happen for a reason doesn't it?
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (9 October 2016):
 I agree with WicketPoet, except for the fact if he really loves you, he may not be able to be your friend and may not be willing to try because it's too hard to be close friends with someone you love as more.
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A
male
reader, WickedPoet +, writes (9 October 2016):
 I am struck by several comments you made in your post which have me wondering whether distance is really the cause of the break up. You wonder if he is holding you back; that he can't give you what you need; that you need to find out how to live alone. I think you have just reached a crossroads in your life where you are leaving the relative nurturing environment of college and getting ready for life as an adult faced with consequential and defining choices. Your boyfriend sounds to me like a good guy. He has been there for you through a lot of changes since you were 17 years old. An essential component of love is friendship. He has been that to you and that is I think what is creating some of your confusion. You miss having that close friend that you can share the good and bad that hits all of us. But I think this break up would have happened even without the distance, although I think that exacerbated the problems. I think you are just ready to spread your wings and fly. You see what your parents are dealing with now and naturally you wonder if that fate awaits you. You need to follow your dreams and ambitions. It is time and you are ready. The thing I do wonder though is do you really need to lose this friendship? You said he is completely willing to work with you. Will he let you go but remain your close friend ? If he really loves you he should be willing to do that for you. I don't think you should apologize. That would be very confusing. But you might want to see if he is willing to maintain the friendship so you can still share the journey. If that is just too difficult, and it could be, you may have to just part company and see what the future holds. He might come back into your life or he might not. But he did help you to become the independent woman you are now. He just might understand you and accept the changes. Give it time. You only did this because you feel strong and that the time is right. Keep going forward and trust and believe in yourself. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (9 October 2016):
You need to do what's best for you. As someone in an LDR, I completely understand feeling like the distance is too much for you, yet so is being without them, but you have a major life-changing situation on your hands, so it could be best to focus on that as a single person.
It's only been a week, so you're bound to want to go back, but I think you've got too much going on.
That said, I also believe it may be worth giving it a shot and adapt to getting less physical attention, as it's necessary for you to improve your futures separately for a couple of years. You can always break up later on, if it's really not working, but you won't always have another chance to give it another go.
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