A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been going out for about 18 months, and we have been living together for six months. When we started the relationship, sex was very good and quite regular at least one or two times a week but over the last seven to eight months it has been not so regular - once every four or five weeks. We are still quite close and affectionate with each other, so there seems to be nothing wrong there. But I feel she is no longer interested in sex with me because when I try to come on to her, she always says she is tired or has a headache. I feel quite let down by this -- as she says she still wants me to come on to her even though she will probably say no. I feel so confused and scared to approach her sexually as I am afraid she might say, 'No'. She never comes on to me or suggests making love. If I try to touch her she moves away from me or sighs. She keeps telling me that she loves me and that she finds me very sexy. We are due to get married in a little under six months' time and I am worried this is going to carry on into the marriage. I love her very much and I pay her compliments all the time. I have tried talking to her about this and she tells me I am just worrying about nothing and that there are more important things in the relationship that sex. I have even tried giving her a few weeks' space to see if this would help but it didn’t. I don’t know what else to do to get her interested in a sex life.
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female
reader, person12345  +, writes (20 May 2012):
 The top two reasons women lose their libido are that they aren't genuinely enjoying sex and/or they don't feel wanted. I know rejection sucks, but if she doesn't think you find her attractive, she's not going to feel uninhibited/comfortable letting loose and relaxing during sex.
Even if she can have an orgasm when you have sex, does she have them almost always and easily? That last part, easily, is very important. An orgasm doesn't mean much if you're both having to work your butts off to get there and it takes a decade. It has to happen regularly and easily, otherwise eventually she will find sex boring/a chore. I know that for guys sex can feel so spectacular it's hard to imagine a woman isn't feeling the same thing, but a vagina is not an inverted penis. It has very few nerve endings. So if something isn't done in addition to penetration, there often isn't much to be excited about.
My recommendation would be to talk to her about that aspect. If she seems dismissive or outright says she's not happy in that department, try to come up with ways to help out. The fastest/easiest way to fix it is to try adding in a sex toy/vibrator you can use together. They make ones specifically designed to be used during intercourse. Anything that can help her have easier orgasms. I don't think you should call off the marriage over this. I think some guys have this idea that women are witholding sex or something, but most often when women go off sex it's because they just don't find it rewarding, which is certainly fixable. If she isn't open to your suggestions/to talking, if you can afford it you may want to go speak to a sex therapist.
A
female
reader, Shadow Rose +, writes (20 May 2012):
 Tell her how you feel about this. She could have started taking something that has changed her libido, like a new birth control, or she's just been feeling out of sorts. If you talk to her, then she might admit that there's been a problem. Maybe she just hasn't felt sexy and as a result, is turned off from sex? Or maybe some other raeson. Whatever it is, it should be talked about first and foremost.
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A
male
reader, Hugh.J  +, writes (20 May 2012):
 In your position and at your age, there are NOT more important things in your relationship than sex. You have glimpsed into the future, OP, and it is not good! Do you honestly think she will rediscover her libido after you are married? Neither do I - she will have you done up like a kipper then and there will be nothing you can do about it.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (20 May 2012):
Try to tell her how you feel, just in the same way you told us, and if she does not understand then expect that this will indeed roll over. There must be something wrong because the relationship must work both ways and theres only so much headaches a girl can have. If these problems can't be resolved through communication then this relationship is doomed I fear..indeed it is not 100% about sex, but sex is still a part of it non the less.
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