A
male
age
36-40,
*regman430
writes:Hey guys i need some advice. I have been with my gf for about 3 years now. We have a 2 year old together. Life is tough. We used to fight ALOT! I used to have to call my mom and dad and tell them to come over to our place and referee it it got so bad. But we overcame some obsticals and were still together. I know for a fact she doesnt trust me. She wouldnt trust me going out for a few beers with friends that i dont even talk to anymore because she doesnt like them she thinks they are bad influences. Which is ridiculous because i actually met my gf through my friends. But theres no trust. I see and talk to no one. I cut off all my friends pretty much. I have to sneak and talk to them here and there on facebook. Its just like im living a lie. Like im living some big secret. We still fight though like every couple. But im so frustrated with everything. Im only 26 and shes 20. So i dont wanna look back on my life when im 36 and be like geeze im still unhappy. The thing is shes crazy. I cant sit down and talk to her and be like listen im talking to my old friends. She would FLIP out. Shes nuts like that. AHHHHHH im just so unhappy. So frustrated with this whole thing. Please i need some advice im turning into beyond depressed.
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male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (8 February 2011):
 she is taking everything out on you but you need to not become an emotional punchbag. in this situation she needs to face her issues (counselling) and try to move on from the current negative behaviour patterns.
either way you shouldn't have to absorb all the anger as it wont do you any good.
i can see now why she has trust issues, but in this life you have to look after your own mind, help her get counselling but dont let unproductive random abuse go on just because bad things happened to her a while back. bad behaviour is understood, yet not justifiable
A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (8 February 2011):
she is taking everything out on you but you need to not become an emotional punchbag. in this situation she needs to face her issues (counselling) and try to move on from the current negative behaviour patterns.
either way you shouldn't have to absorb all the nager as it wont do you any good.
i can see now why she has trust issues, but in this life you have to look after your own mind, help her get counselling but dont let unproductive random abuse go on just because bad things happened to her a while back. bad behaviour is understood, yet not justifiable
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (8 February 2011):
 She is. Those kind of events can cause severe trust issues in someone. She needs to seek some professional help in order to realize that she's transferring that feeling of betrayal into her relationships as well as mechanisms for dealing with it in order to get past it.
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A
male
reader, gregman430 +, writes (8 February 2011):
gregman430 is verified as being by the original poster of the question see the thing is she grew up from an insecure background. her dad skipped out on her when she was little and her step father cheated on her mom. so i feel like shes taking everything out on me in a way
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (8 February 2011):
look when you have child its easy to be a wrap round a finger like bacon on a sausage (forgive my hungover food lust), but you need to think what you want and make it happen. whatever it is, stop blaming others for blocking your ideas. sounds like you want her but she really pisses you off seriously.
know what you want otherwise this website is just a vent machine for things she needs to hear but you are too scared to say to her. you will get along better if you stop being a pushover who "everything happens to" and becoming a person who "makes their life happen". sounds cheesy what i said but man up and make her see you deserve your respect too. cos you do...
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A
male
reader, gregman430 +, writes (7 February 2011):
gregman430 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni understand what you guys are saying. trust me i do. a ton of people said get out while you can. but its not that easy especially when a baby is involved. ahh man this blows
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (7 February 2011):
she is manipulative and from what you state there is no trust and poor communication. why if you were fighting a lot did you have a baby?
just tell her you are meeting your friends and let her be angry. if she makes your life hell because you want to have some degree of freedom then maybe move on. kids need stability in their lives, but adults need to be happy and the way things have been described it sounds like this relationship and the abusive reactions you get are not making you happy.
if she cannot learn to behave better and treat you with respect then leave
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (7 February 2011):
If you want this relationship to work, you two need some councelling. Her trust issues are unhealthy for both of you. They need to be addressed in order for you two to be happy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): Not allowing you to have any friendships is a sign of abuse. Has she ever hit you? Or any kind of physical assault? Does she accuse you of being interested in other woman? If she is doing these things, then I think you should leave this relationship immediately.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (7 February 2011):
I would say sit down and calmly try to reason with her, but as you have said, she flips out.
Well I don't think you are doing anything wrong by keeping in contact with your friends.
Maybe you could plan something that is very "minor" (such as visiting a good friend who you know is very sensible and where there is no reason whatsoever for her to logically not trust you) and tell her that you are catching up with them. If she freaks out, reassure her that you aren't doing anything wrong, and then, go out and see them!
Tell her what time you'll be back and reassure her that you love her but she is really causing you major upset!
Surely once you come back from your friend, either she will have realised that her fear and insecurity were not founded, or she will be extremely angry with you and you'll have to deal with the aftermath. Either way, it seems she needs to learn that you can go out, see your friends, and you'll return and everything will be just the same as it was before you left.
Keep on reassuring her throughout the process, so that you don't give her reason to be insecure. But at the same time, you do need to try and show her healthy boundaries in the relationship and that your feelings for her won't change if you do have friends in your life.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (7 February 2011):
 Good grief... I understand roughly what you're going through, but you need to fight for your rights here. NOBODY should be able to tell you who you can and can't be friends with...
If a girlfriend tried to tell me I couldn't be friends with somebody (especially of the same sex) I'd pull the flicks, tell her to jump in a lake and drive off into the sunset in a heartbeat... yes, I'm that passionate about it...
If you don't have trust from a partner... WHAT THE HELL DO YOU HAVE??? What separates you from the animal kingdom?? Keep ignoring all these red flags at your own risk, but these inconsistencies will catch up to you in the end, no matter how long you ignore them...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): Hello,
Trust is a must in a relationship. Its wrong of anyone male or female to be controlling and see you as a possession and not a person.
If she hasn't really changed in 3 years then its time to get to the heart of the matter. Was she ever cheated on prior to you? Why is she so insecure? Is she faithful, sometimes people lack trust because of their own guilt.
Maybe she needs to seek help to learn not to be so clingy and allow you to live a normal life. No one needs permission to go out. She's a girlfriend not your mom.
If she doesn't want to change, doesn't want to seek help to get to the root of the problem then its time for you to rethink this.
Good luck
:-)
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