A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have a question about something that is bothering me regarding my GF. She refuses to get a tan of any kind. OK that's fine. She doesn't want skin cancer. I can appreciate that. I am 44 and she is 40. Today she met me for lunch but she did not have on ANY makeup. I think with a tan she would be able to pull it off, but without a tan...I'm sitting there at lunch and hoping to God that nobody I know will see us.My question, am I right in expecting her to make herself up at least to the point that I should not be ashamed to be seen with her?Thanks for your answers.Speedy Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Speedgraphic +, writes (12 October 2007):
Speedy again,An update to the question.GF and I had a heated discussion about this on Wednesday. She was understandably defensive, and upset. Like I said in my previous post it wasn't pretty...Thursday when we finally talked she admitted that she had grown complacient. She said that in her past friends and relatives would tell her to leave off the makeup as she really did not need it. I asked her if this was before she started wearing sunscreen during her every waking moment and she admitted that yes that was true.After thinking about it and I guess getting over the shock and hurt she agreed that she did look better when made up and that when we are in public she will make the effort.I am not a great fan of makeup. I believe that if she got the amount of sun on her skin that most people get in their normal lives (not from laying out - just being outside occasionally...). that she would look just fine without all the powder and paint. I cannot and willnot argue against protecting her skin from harmful UV (even though I think she takes it to the extreme.). I hope we are past this now.Speedy
A
male
reader, Speedgraphic +, writes (11 October 2007):
This was my question. I entered it before I registered.
To all of you who have contributed I thank you.
I really don't expect her to ever be overly made up. Honestly I have never been attracted to women who wore a lot of makeup. Because my GF has decided that a UV Ray will never touch her skin she is extremely pale. When she goes out in public she looks like she doesn't take pride in herself or her appearance.
I make a conscious effort to be sure that when I leave the house whether it be to go to the store, to work, or to dinner with her that I am reasonably well dressed and well groomed. I am not God's gift to women, but I do try to make the best of what I have. The way that people treat you is in many cases a result of they they perceive you. If you look confident, prosperous, professional, etc., they will treat you much different than if you look dirty, abused, and thrown away... One of the secrets of success is to start out by looking successful...
As I said before, I don't expect a lot, but without makeup on a face that hasnot seen the sun in over a decade is not a good idea.
I guess this has not been an issue often to the this point as we rarely get the opportunity to meet for lunch. She works in another town about 35 miles away... She was on a quarter break this past week. It has happened often enough that I thought it was finally time to say something to her.
We did talk last night. I tried to be as diplomatic as I could, but it wasn't pretty.
Thanks again!
Speedy
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A
male
reader, Speedgraphic +, writes (11 October 2007):
This was my question. I entered it before I registered.
To all of you who have contributed I thank you.
I really don't expect her to ever be overly made up. Honestly I have never been attracted to women who wore a lot of makeup. Because my GF has decided that a UV Ray will never touch her skin she is extremely pale. When she goes out in public she looks like she doesn't take pride in herself or her appearance.
I make a conscious effort to be sure that when I leave the house whether it be to go to the store, to work, or to dinner with her that I am reasonably well dressed and well groomed. I am not God's gift to women, but I do try to make the best of what I have. The way that people treat you is in many cases a result of they they perceive you. If you look confident, prosperous, professional, etc., they will treat you much different than if you look dirty, abused, and thrown away... One of the secrets of success is to start out by looking successful...
As I said before, I don't expect a lot, but without makeup on a face that hasnot seen the sun in over a decade is not a good idea.
I guess this has not been an issue often to the this point as we rarely get the opportunity to meet for lunch. She works in another town about 35 miles away... She was on a quarter break this past week. It has happened often enough that I thought it was finally time to say something to her.
We did talk last night. I tried to be as diplomatic as I could, but it wasn't pretty.
Thanks again!
Speedy
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (11 October 2007):
 Hello there Speedy,
I don't understand why you're ashamed to be seen with your girlfriend when she has on no make up. Can you explain a bit more? I guess the main thing that I don't understand is why you care what other people think. I honestly don't understand. If you sincerely love this woman, then why should it matter? I'm not trying to be a jerk or anything by asking you these questions, I just really don't understand. (From what I see, it seems as though *you* are the one that has issues to deal with... Is there a reason you need to feel "accepted" by society when it comes to appearance? It's not like wearing no make up is that taboo.)
Anyway, I guess to actually answer your question - you could give her a gift certificate for a day at a salon. Maybe get her a massage, a facial, pay for her hair to get done and get her a make-over. If she likes it enough, she may want to keep dressing this way on her own.
But if I were you, I would not tell your partner that she needs to start dressing differently. Any way you tell her, she's going to feel hurt and maybe irritated and possibly angry. Plus it will make you sound shallow.
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2007): @Collaroy: superficiality isn't necessarily bad, AND what he's asking is similar to say a wife hinting to the husband that a little exercise won't hurt to keep the stomach from overflowing from beer-generosity.
As with Baby Duck and Miss C, I think those are definitely some ways to try to get your ideas across to her. However, you feeling ashamed of being seen with her, I think I can definitely understand as a male at the least. I would feel bad if I could not live up to my own ideas and expectations of what I think my mate would find attractive, even at the age of 44.
For those who still think this is superficial, yes it is. What you think all humans are born blind and have absolutely no attraction towards physical aspects just because they are in love with a person? Snap out of it and be realistic. Yes, it's one thing to love a person for who she or he is, but it's a different thing when it comes to individual aspects about a person.
What would you say if the wife wanted the husband to dress nicer when they go out to dinner parties, as he usually wears say slacks and jogging pants, and dollar-store slippers to dinner parties, scruffled hair and unkept facial hair? Would you still call the wife a superficial bitch who only cares about looks? Come on. Grow up!
Anyway, sorry Mr. 41-50 Anon. Sometimes, single-minded views really gets to me.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (11 October 2007):
 I'm sorry, but this concern sounds very superficial. My wife wears very little makeup and I find if a girl wears a lot of makeup its the ultimate turn off. But that comes down to personal preference and I guess its different strokes for different folks.
But, do you think that people who know you would really be worried that she has no makeup on and, moreover, that they would think less of her and you because of this? If the answer is yes, they must be the most superficial bunch of friends anyone has had. Surely who your partner is matters most - is she a warm person, loyal, committed ,friendy,loving - not whether she wears enough makeup or not.
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A
female
reader, toughlove +, writes (11 October 2007):
I also don't wear much makeup. Most of the time if you see me I won't have any on. I am really shocked that there are men out there who think like you, like, who are afraid to be seen with a woman when she doesn't have any makeup on. If you tried to tell me about this, it would be a really big turn off, as much as me not wearing makeup would be to you, I guess. Especially because, its not like she wasn't wearing any makeup for a formal event, it was just dinner with a person who is supposed to be her best friend.
I don't know, I think this is one of those personal decisions that people really feel is theirs only and would be unwilling to negotiate with their partners. If she has an unkempt house, you could say something, because that affects you too, but you really would be out of line telling her she needs to start making herself up for dinners with you.
I understand on some people makeup really makes a big difference, but is she just completely hideous without it or are you just being overly critical?
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A
male
reader, Asexy +, writes (10 October 2007):
 If you're ashamed to be seen with her, you're with the wrong girl. You should never date someone you can only be happy with if you change them.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): Baby Duck,
Sounds like you understand.
I'm trying to figure out how to talk to her about this without damaging her self esteem or causing damage to our relationship. I'm usually a pretty good communicator but I'm not sure I can pull this one off.
Thanks!
Speedy
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