A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone! My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 1 year and 9 months and everything was going smoothly until recently...We are having a long distance relationship at the moment as she still has another year of uni left and I have finished my uni and I am back home and have started work. My girlfriend has been getting these feelings recently that she thinks that I have not done enough for her in our relationship. This is how it has been till now: We both met when we were in our 2nd year of uni. We went to different universities but in the same country. After a month of getting to know each other through chatting on the internet and talking on the phone we both knew we liked each other but hadn't said it. She was scared to tell me she liked me but I didn't want to wait any longer and I wanted something to happen between us and therefore I told her I liked her, and then she told me too. I approached her and told her we should meet up. She was the one who told me she would come and visit me at my uni and she did. After that meeting, we were starting to fall in love with each other and she would be the one who would visit me everytime (I never went to visit her at her uni, which I regret now but have realised). At that time, she didnt say anything, maybe because we were both falling in love. Before our summer vacation started, I approached to her and asked her if she wanted to live together with me for the next year (my final year). I did this because I saw it was possible and also because I really loved her and was excited to live with her. I told her to think about it carefully and I didnt pressurize her at all because she would have to travel to her uni (which was a 1hr30 ride) 3 times a week. I told her that if she thinks it is not convenient for her to travel everyday then there was no problem (a lot of money on travelling) and that we would still meet up quite often once uni started again but she eventually said yes. I lived with 2 of my other friends from my uni in a university-owned-flat and they did not accept students from other universities. That became a problem for us, but I did anything and everything I could to make it possible for us to live together and it worked. So we started living together and she would travel 3 times a week for her lectures. During that year, I told her many times that what she is doing is really amazing and I appreciate it a lot. We had a lot of fun too. Summer came again, and we both finished uni, but this time we didnt know when we would meet again as she had another yr of uni left and I was going back home. We told each other that we would be very strong and make this relationship work. I personally think that the fact that we have been apart for about 4 months has hit her and thats why she has been getting these feelings. She tells me that she has done everything in our relationship: she came to visit me everytime, she lived with me and travelled to her uni, she also says that I never came to pick her up when she finished work late night, and that we hardly watched the movies she wanted to watch, and didnt go to the places she wanted to. The fact is that she never got these feelings when we were actually together because she seemed really happy being with me. She has always told me that living together was our best decision and that it was a perfect year and now this. I know its late, but I have also realised now what I didnt do for her and feel like a complete jerk but the truth is that I really love her and dont want to lose her. She also says she doesnt want to break up with me and loves me but tells me that she always gets these feelings. So right now, Im giving her all the space she wants and we're on a break. But I think she is wrong when she says that I havent dont anything in this relationship because I told her that I liked her, and I approached to live with me. I also went to visit her at her hometown (when we were both on vacation) which was very difficult for me to convince my parents. I gave her a small surprise birthday party and its not that we didnt watch movies of her choice, and we went out to restaurants of her choice. But she's in a phase that she doesnt understand all this and keeps on saying that I havent done anything. I dont want to lose her because I really love her and want to get married to her and she also feels the same way just that shes getting these weird feelings suddenly. So please help me...I want real advice (not advice on breaking up with her etc). Thank you! And im sorry for the long explanation...
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for you answer Presto!
I would like to say that we did live together for a year under the same roof and we got to know about each other a lot and we had the best understanding because we have a lot of things in common. We even had/have that trust you are telling me about. And I have always assured to her that she is the love of my life. Right now, I am back in Spain and she is going to Uni in the UK...and everyday when I get back from work I dedicate my whole free time to her (thats the least I could do). I videochat with her asking her about her day, and I even call her sometimes these days (it is relatively expensive for me but I have found a solution for that and do call her whenever I can). I have bought a new Blackberry too so that we can stay in touch more.
As far as the holiday is concerned, that is a little difficult because only my mom knows about her and not my dad. So it will be hard to convince them (I am from Indian origin) but I have planned a surprise visit for her on her birthday.
When we were together, its not that I didnt do those little things either...I used to randomly bring her soft toys from Spain etc but I dont know whats going on now...with these feelings of hers. I am ready to give everything for her that is in my hands and I have told her that. She also says that she can only love me and no one else and that she cant break up with me ever. But ever since this has happened, I wake up every morning devastated. Things are pretty difficult for me because my parents are a little reserved but I have still told her that she is the one who I want to marry and I will make that happen. She is just going thinking about the past...where to be honest we did have a lot of fun and she never complained back then.
A
male
reader, Presto  +, writes (13 September 2010):
 I've been married for 3 years now, when I first met my wife we lived apart and dated for nearly a year but did not move in with each other until after I proposed to her. My wife constantly tells me I don't do enough for our relationship. It's not the big things (money, car, house, etc), it's the little things. Calling her several times a day to tell her you love her. Bringing her flowers, anything to show that she's the center of your universe, that she's loved enough that she should ignore others wherever she is and wherever you are. You're both in Uni, which means you're both going to be working a lot and possibly not seeing a lot of each other. You each need reassurances that no matter where you are in the world that the two of you are the only ones in your private lives. It's the the little things that make the relationship, as you get older material items are appreciated, however it's the understanding of love, trust and respect that holds tightest. 2 things you absolutely must do with each other to figure out what the next level is. 1) Move in with each other to a place that neither of you already live in. You'll learn alot about each other and level of trust. 2) Go somewhere with each other to some place far away for a week or two. You're in Spain, so go to Mexico or USA or someplace that is far removed from your normal surroundings. Getting through these two event successfully while still focusing on the little things means that you two are strong enough to be together forever. It will give you the energy you need to go through the other three most difficult processes in your lives together.1) Getting Married2) Buying a House3) Having ChildrenYou're young and not sure of what life holds, you've got the right combination already, just keep moving forward and don't ponder the what-if's by yourself. Make sure you do it together. Good luck.
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