A
male
age
41-50,
*elby
writes:I met my girlfriend 5 months ago in a nightclub through a friend. We got chatting and after an hour I got her number and arranged to meet her at her place to watch a movie. I was busy with work and didnt call. I saw her in the same club a week later and she asked why I didnt call and I said I lost her number. Anyway we did meet up and we hit it off pretty quickly if you know what I mean. She is a very pretty lady 28 yrs old, doctor from a good family and I would say Im a goodlooking guy that gets a fair bit of attention from the ladies. I'm not wealthy but I have just started my own company and is working very hard. I'm not wealthy, just a down to earth guy working hard.After dating I started to find out about her past. I know what your thinking...leave the past in the past but it's really bugging me so I would like peoples thoughts. I found out shes had flings/dated what ever you want to call it very very very famous people....a top soccer players....a popular DJs.......a top NFL star......top cricket player......the heir to a wealthy fortune.....the list goes on and on....you get the picture....When I met her she came across as such a sweet girl and after dating its bugging me to find out about all of this.Even though weve only known each other 4 months things have been pretty great, she wants to get married, shes wants for us to have a baby. I've met her parents...family etc...and now she wants us to move in together. Sometimes I get the feeling that shes not in love with me but shes in love with what I can offer her (not financially)....i.e.husband...kids.....me not being a player....someone who will be good to her and not just screw her and use her for sex.I am really not looking to have fun..been there done that...Im really looking for that special someone to settle down with and she seems like such a risky bet.....she said her days of crazy partying are over...Then she went out 3 weeks ago with her friend....had loads of drinks and did cocaine which she said is the 2nd time she ever did it...and she only did it because her friend had it and she said said it was a stupid mistake. I was upset as I dont want my partner to be doing that sort of stuff but she was honest to tell me. I do love her but I have been burnt pretty bad in the past and don't want to be hurt again.I did speak to her about her past, she said some were stupid mistakes while she was young...some were her just having fun.....after a relationship but what bugs me is why these high profile people and all are quite unattractive. Just before I met her she was dating/screwing a popular DJ and she said she ended things with him because she didnt want that sort of life any more. The situation is very confusing and I wonder if I'm being stupid by looking at her past....but this is my future....Im looking for my wife...the mother of my kids...I think I have a right to be cautious.I just find myself asking these questions:Why me?How can someone change in such a short period in time?Does she really loves me or love what I'm offering her?Why did she only sleep with these celebrities?Is she the kind of person I really want to settle down with?Am I being stupid for asking these questions or should I just forget about the past?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2009): Retroactive jealousy has nothing to do with logic. Logic does not deal with it. Logic has no power against it. This is an emotional issue and it has to be treated as such.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2009): O, things we do when we are young and experementing. I did all kinds of crazy things, i would never tell my husband, but also I never ask him about his crazy youth. All he told me once after couple of drinks, that he had more than 200 women before he met me. Considering the fact that he married me when he was only 26, that's a good bunch of women.
Why she dated celebreties, who knows, may be she got a kick out of it. I realle don't understand why it bothers you so much.
People change very fast when they meet the right person. When I met my husband I changed immediately my behavior, as my outings w/my girlfriend shrank to a minimum, as I wanted to spend time only w/him, men stoped attracting my attention, because I only wanted to be w/my husband. He also stoped sleeping every weekend w/a different woman. Now 20 years and 3 kids later, we are happily married.
I don't know why I love my husband, for him, or for the life he gave me, a home, children, family. I don't ask myself this question.
I am glad that nothing stoped us from having a wonderfull family we have now.
It would bother me also though if my boyfriend went out and did coke. I would definitely put a stop to it.
I would advice to observe her a little more. If you find more and more signs of dangerous behavior that take actions.
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A
male
reader, Flashbacks +, writes (20 November 2009):
Sounds like she's giving off plenty of red flags (the "past" lifestyle, partying, cocaine use). I would be wary, and cautious. There might be a better woman out there to settle down with.
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A
female
reader, rose the relationship solver  +, writes (20 November 2009):
 its such a short period of time and tell her u may want it in future but not now. the past is the past but she may be in to the higher rankings if u know what i mean....just take things slow and see what occurs. good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2009): I will first try to see if I got this right. Your concern is on two areas: her past, and if she's really in love with you?Looking at a persons past to find out who they are is not stupid. It's a part of who they are, the past is what made them the one they are today. Why did she sleep with only celebrities? I dont know, did she only sleep with celebrities really? NO regular men at all? Perhaps she considers herself high class and nothing but the best was good enough. And then after trying it out, she realized that what she was looking for all along was right there in you. Put that way it is kinda romantic. I do wonder why she would tell you so much about who she's been dating in the past, unless of course you were asking her directly. It might be she elaborated the details in an attempt to flatter you. As in saying "Look at all these amazingly good looking, successful, wealthy men I dated before, they all wanted me. But they were not good enough, they can't have me. But you can, and you give me more than they ever could." It would be an awkward thing to say to some, but it might also be how she feels and perhaps thought in a love rush that it'd be a compliment to you to tell you. As for her changing. Did she really change that much in such a short time, or is she telling you she has chanced but they are empty words? Yes people can change that fast. Meeting the right person can make people change pretty quickly. Men who swear they will never marry meet the right one and woopsie they are married after all. Women who swear they will never have babies meet the right man and suddenly the thought of family is on their mind. It happens. I've seen it. I've lived it. Does she love you or love what you are offering? In a way those two things are the same, but they might also be different, so I see your concern. You're afraid you're just the first and best she came across. I've worried about that too in my relationship. The fear on my part comes from the commitment the other person is willing to give me. I mean, it's great that they are serious as in wanting to marry in the future, but how can you be sure it's real? How can you know that it's actually YOU they want. Truth is you can't know. You'll never know. All you can do is trust, and listen to your heart. These are the chances we must take in the game of love. Is she the kind of person you want to settle with? Only you can know. Sounds like she's the one pushing the "settling down" matter though. She's the one who wants marriage, kids, living together. You met her parents. Did she meet yours? Do you want the same things as she want right now? Could be she is feeling ready, and she already knows she loves you, but we are not all alike. Your feelings towards her might need some more developing until you reach that point which she is at now. Nothing that can not be worked through, but you need to take your stand and not be talked into things. Let her know you are not ready for this so soon. Its been 4 months, for most people that is too soon to be considering children and marriage. It can take up to a year to get to know a person real well. It can also take shorter, so she might feel that she knows everything she needs to know about you. However you don't feel like you know it all yet.It's not stupid to ask these questions. You are taking marriage seriously, which is a good thing. Marriage is a huge commitment, and it concerns a person you will share the rest of your life with. If she has skeletons in the closet, its best they come out sooner than later. Who she was and who she is helps you create an image of who she will be with you in the future. Jumping into a marriage just because she's good looking and has a good job isnt gonna cut it, which is what your questions show. Keep your good sense judgment.Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, applemac +, writes (20 November 2009):
hiyou say yourself how can someone change in such a short period of time? right. wel she obviously hasnt because she still goes out with her girls and has a good time, yet she is not sleeping with celebs anymore but is with you. what is more directional and life changing, dating a guy like you who is looking for a wife or not going out with friends and doing some coke. give it time, sounds like shes in transition and it always takes time for the end product to come out right. be patient. u are both very lucky to find each other, both who want the same thing. everyone does crazy things, she would be boring if she didnt have anything interesting to tell you. also, dont let the past bother you, celebs are normal people, more likely to her cus she knows a fair share of them. relax and enjoy what u have. good luck :)
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (20 November 2009):
Hmmmm. Well first of all, I think 4 months is WAY TOO SOON to be talking about marriage or even living together. Give your relationship a year before you seriously consider those things.
Second. Dating/sleeping with a lot of celebrities speaks to possible self esteem issues. She likes to attach herself to high "status" people in order to be viewed herself as high status. Excessive "party" lifestyle also speaks to certain esteem issues.
Yes people can change, but you are right, not overnight. And you do have a right to look at her past for clues to her future. You are not being stupid, I think you are being very smart. Don't torment yourself, just take it slow.
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