A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my gf been going out for 2 years.We have struggled with money but now have finally found jobs. I am not happy with my job however I want to make the most of it.I work Monday to Friday 7.30-5.30 amAnd second job is Monday to Sunday 6pm-11pmYet I still take day off once a week and go see her. This week I didn't and she went crazy. It's something I cannot take she is always on my caseI want to live with her so does she but spending £40-50 to see her is not worth it. Isn't it better to both work hard and meet again in a month so we can treat ourselves and make plans to save and move in. How can I when she pushes me away? Last night I was extremely tired and she tore me apart on the phone, crying that she wanted to see me. She was crying. That is fair enough but I don't want to quit my job to babysit her, after all she knew it took us a whole year to find work. Someone help me im going madMe 24Her 19
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2014): There is a very good saying: out of site out of love.
It's very dangerous to leave your girfriend without attention and your presence. She might start looking around and see if someone more available.
I understand you need to work. Personally I don't know how you do it. You work more than 80hours a week. Even at your young age it is too much.
You basically have no life but work and work. It can be bad for you mental and physical health unless you love your job, which you said you don't.
The only thing I see here that this stage of your life your priority is to make money. Which is very honorable but to combine love life and your totally crazy schedule I don't see how it is possible.
A friend of mine just divorced her husband based solely on a fact that she never sees hm. He works like you, days and nights with only one day off. They never do anything together, sex life is history, because he simply has no strength left. She waited long enough to make this desision, she talked with him asking to come up with a better solution, but he kept on working. And finally they divorced.,
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 November 2014):
 Yeah, I didn't know about the long distance thing. So you actually are in a long distance relationship.
Then you and her need to talk about expectations. Really. No "but she gets impatient". You need to talk to her about it, and not just HER expectations, but yours as well. You need to realize that your and her expectations do not match on this particular subject. That is not to say she is right and you are wrong, but neither does it say she is wrong and you are right. You NEED to compromise and AGREE on what to expect and what it possible.
You assume several things. You need to stop assuming. You assume your love for her shows through you wanting her to spend her money on herself. You could not be further from the truth, if I am to make my guess based on her actions. She wants to see you, and she values time with you ABOVE money. All this is telling her is that you value money over her. That's what she takes from it. And there you sit and think it shows love, when she sees it as quite the contrary. These are things you need to talk about, and put into clear words, rather than sit by yourself and hope she gets it by reading your mind. She doesn't get it. You show love in quite a different manner than her. It appears to me, she NEEDS time with you. It's a need that is above the need for money.
You getting by and "managing", what exactly does that mean? It means that you are fine, but your way of "managing" things makes her miserable. Can you not swallow that manly pride I assume is in the way here, and let her contribute? She wants to see you, then LET HER pay for trips to come see you. Why does it have to be you seeing her at her place on the weekends when you need to travel for 6 hours in total every day to get to work and back to hers? I am sure she would rather go be with you, so that she can spend those 4+ hours WITH you, rather than you on a bus/train to work.
" Doesn't that prove how much I want her?"
What proves to her, in her world, that you love her, is you spending time with her. You need to understand this very simple idea. To you, love might NOT be the same. For you, love can probably be expressed in another way, such as saving for a future together, managing on your own, "sacrificing" time together by working instead. But to her, these are not signs of love, they are signs of neglect and you not caring about her.
I mean, it's not like you are married either, for all she knows you could be saving up all this money and then find a local girl and spend it all on the new girl. She's not "safe" here, in the way you imagine she should feel. You ant to save money so you can move in with her faster, but the way she sees it (my guess, as this is the way I'd see it too) is that you are concerned only about making money and not about the relationship. Hence why she doesn't see this as a short term thing, but is scared it will be permanent.
I hope this helped you see things from her point of view, as it is one of the many views she might have on it. I don't know her, Im not her, so this was just all my guess. You need to talk to her and find out exactly how she sees it. I would suggest, if you work a lot and don't have the energy for a lengthy call, that you write this down in an e-mail to her. Formulate some relevant questions, here are some examples:
How much would you prefer to see me each week?
What is your concern about us spending a month without seeing each other?
How do you feel when I want to stay at home rather than see you?
Would you be interested in visiting me on the weekends instead, and paying for the trip (the way I personally see this, if she does this then there will be no further problems)?
Then hear her out in the e-mail, ask that she writes back to you so that you can better understand her. Or if she wants to call and talk, WRITE down what she says so you can look it over afterwards and think about it. It will be so much easier that way. Then formulate a response and explain WHY you do what you do, and what you are trying to express through these actions (such as saving for a future with her).
Communication will solve this problem.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2014): I appreciate your replies. I meant 7.30am-5.30pm. When we met originally it was long distance however I moved closer due to a year of study and she used to stay at my flat.we got on well, she had no money , but my part time job pulled us through. Our love kept us going, we didn't mind not having much. We grew to love each other more, we argued but never for long. My year of study finished and I pursued my first job which was offered to me. It made it even harder to see her. I now live 2 hours away, and my work is another hour away so from work it's 3 hours. But I have to do it for money. Someone mentioned about me wanting to settle down. Let me tell you, this girl is crazy about that, wants to live together settle down. I'm all for that, so I take responsibility to work two jobs, so I can make 4 months pay in 2 and we can rent a place so the distance is not an issue. As time goes on my job will hopefully be more local. I don't like wasting opportunities but she doesn't see how tough I find it no matter how much I explain. Yes she can help with her salary, but I would rather she enjoyed that money herself, I'll manage. Doesn't that prove how much I want her? And I know she wants me more than anything.But I can't communicate all this, she gets impatient. It's just a matter of a few tough months, but she doesn't believe me. As I suggested a month, just like I did last month, but I still ended up staying every weekend at hers. So when I sometimes can't she flips.The answers were really helpful, some I disagreed with but that was perhaps I hadn't revealed the information I have just written.Perhaps you could advise me further.Appreciate it,
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (15 November 2014):
 Before I'll "answer" your question... I'd like to ask you to reconcile the overlapping times of your work schedule...
Thanks.
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A
female
reader, babalou +, writes (15 November 2014):
 Yes, the fact that you think spending time with her is babysitting speaks volumes about you. If you don't want to properly maintain your relationship and give her what she needs then you need to let her find someone that will. My boyfriend and I both work, go to school, and he lives 7 1/2 hours away from me and we see each other just as often as you see your girlfriend. I should add that neither of us are rich and travel is very expensive but we save and make time for each other because we want to. You don't even sound like you want to see her and are acting as if catering to her basic needs in the relationship is a burden on you. You're prioritizing money over your relationship, like chigirl said, even though your girlfriend isn't asking for much. She must really love you for her to stay with you despite you putting in so little effort, but that doesn't mean that you should take advantage of the fact that she's willing to accept so little from you. You should want to do more to keep her happy. That's what a relationship is. It's not bare minimum effort. You don't do the least you need to do to maintain a decent relationship.The way I see it, she isn't pushing you away, you're just turned off by her showing emotion and showing that she is hurt because you let her down.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (15 November 2014):
Why are you doing two full time jobs (basically)?
No, it is not always better to spend a month apart and then treat yourselves. This is a question of quantity over quality, and also a question of maintaining a relationship.
Sorry if I am going at you with this, but my ex was somewhat of the same opinion as you, and it hurt me a lot, just like it hurts your girlfriend. You see, we want to see our boyfriends and spend time together. Not pretend to be in a long distance relationship and only see one another once a month. That's not what we signed up for when we entered a relationship, to be somewhere out in the periphery of our boyfriends lives, barely getting our existence recognized.
Not saying you ignore her, neither did my ex. But he did not prioritize the relationship. He was also so busy with school, with work, with others friends. At least you have a good reason! You work two jobs! Please do tell us why you need two jobs.
But you need to be told, that seeing your girlfriend once a month is far too little, and if you keep up dismissing her and her needs, she will become an ex girlfriend soon enough. She needs to be seen and heard in this relationship too, and unless there's some crucial need for you to have two full time jobs I guess you need to make a decision on whether or not you have time for a girlfriend at all. Because it sounds like you don't. A relationship needs to be nurtured, and there's just not enough nurture in a once a month arrangement.
Live together, it might help you both out money wise, and for her to get to see you on a more regular basis.
Talk to her now about how often she would like to see you (how many days a week, or how many days a month). This to get an understanding of her need for contact, which must be taken seriously. Then, look at your schedule and see how much time you can possibly free up to be with her, how much it would cost you etc. Talk about splitting the cost if it's too costly for you. Since she's the one who wants to see you more often, and if traveling costs a lot, she might agree to paying for the majority of the traveling.
You need to compromise with her on this, rather than dictate how much she should be happy with. Your suggestion of how once a month should be reasonable is absolutely crazy, let me tell you. If a boyfriend of mine suggested such a thing to me, it would force me to reevaluate whether or not I should continue the relationship. If it was only for a couple of months I could probably get by, but if you mean that once a month should be enough for the foreseeable future.. well, then I dare say you do not have the time for/willingness to prioritize a relationship.
If you want this relationship you need to compromise and prioritize the relationship over work. There needs to be a balance, and that balance has shifted completely over to you only focusing on work.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (15 November 2014):
 You said babysit her, that says a lot about how you feel about her. She is acting as a 19 year old but you feel such a difference being 5 years older. She had the anticipation built up and was met with disappointment. When she was crying she was not doing that to push you away, more like a desperate attempt to pull you in. If you have to spend 40 to 50 every weekend, it sounds like a 2 hour trip which could be difficult, especially when she has no means to get to you. It would be easier if you can take turns travelling to each other.
Did your relationship start off with long distance, or did one of you move away after you got solid with each other? This is important because when you didn't visit her that one time, all she could think about was that you lost interest and didn't want to make the relationship work anymore. Only a person who experiences two jobs in one day knows how tiring it could be. She must be only working one job. A younger person usually looks for short term gratification while a mature person looks at the big picture. She wants regular dating and you want to settle down.
You may be at different stages but I still think it could work if you can keep in contact during breaks, update on how much you have saved, houses you have looked at, etc rather than just keep her in the fridge and assume she knows how hard you are working. The most important thing is that you both love each other and want to be together long term.
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