A
female
age
41-50,
*hisgirldances
writes:Hello DC Friends.I could use your advice. Not judgement or answers which predict future behaviour and outcome. None of us knows what will happen with certainty. And let us remember that not every man is the same nor is what they do nor is every situation.I am looking for constructive ways in which I can deal with a married boyfriend. I have been with him since August 1, 2013. I care for him deeply. He cares about me. I do not want to leave him. I don't want to get into the reasons. This is not why I am here.We do have a good relationship and great chemistry. It just works between us. It is more than sex. I know many people call the other woman a "side piece" like she is a piece of meat or a non entity. But I do not see myself that way. Neither does he. Could have started that way but it evolved. We have a good friendship now too where he confides in me about everything. Our relationship has progressed as most do. And just over a year in, the fireworks are still strong. But I must reiterate that we have an emotional involvement.My question is how do I continue with this relationship when I have periods of doubt creeping in around his ability to be faithful to me? He swears he is and has been. He is transparent in all he does. He has given me all his passwords. He tells me what he is doing, where he is going. He is respectful of my feelings. He has done nothing concrete to prove he is unfaithful. He is friendly with women but that is just his way. And this sometimes brings out my insecurity. A little more background... my last boyfriend cheated on me. So, the demons in my closet are lingering around.If I could just live in the knowledge that I am and will be enough for him, things would be perfect. I suppose every relationship has risks but this one more than others for very clear reasons.I asked him how I can stop him from ever being unfaithful to me someday. He said to just keep doing what I am doing.I want to know how I proceed and continue to enjoy our relationship... without letting doubt bring me down and make me feel paranoid and insecure and then pull away?How much of it is me and my fears, including past demons and how much is it because he is married?
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female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (15 November 2014):
 I agree with CelticTiger 100%. The bottom line is that if he loved you so much, he would leave his wife for you. End of story. You will always have doubts, they will never go away as long as he is married. And to be honest, even if he divorces his wife..there will be doubts. Your relationship didn't begin honestly. You can't change that. Are you setting yourself up to be destroyed?? Absolutely.
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (15 November 2014):
 I don't know exactly what you want us to say? To validate the fact that you are cheating with a married man? To say what you are doing is ok and will all work out like a fairy tale?
I real life, mistresses never get the man.
Just re-read what you wrote "A little more background... my last boyfriend cheated on me. So, the demons in my closet are lingering around"
YOU have demons in your closet about a BOYFRIEND cheating on you. How do you think your current "boyfriends" WIFE must feel? You are no better than your ex-boyfriend, in fact, worse because you are knowingly cheating with a married man. Not just someone elses boyfriend, but a husband.
There is nothing that anyone here can say to help you, because you refuse to see or hear the truth.
You cannot accept the reality of your situation.
No one will tell you that what you are doing is right.
If your "boyfriend" REALLY loved you as much as you think he does, he would divorce his wife.
You will never be enough for him, because he also has a WIFE. Regardless of what you want, that is the reality.
IF you really want him, then you have to be prepared to walk away. See for yourself if he wants you as much as you want him. That is the only way you will truly know.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2014): I will digress from the rest of you.I think we need a totally different look at this.We do not know the man or his level of feelings. We do not know the woman. We do not know their history, the way they are with each other. We know nothing.Every relationship has risks.True.Every relationship is unique, stands on its own. As does theirs.You must be willing to decide if the risks are worth it for you.You are playing with fire. You know this or you would not have fears. You will risk getting burned.But...On the other hand...Fire is exciting. Very difficult to stay away from the flame.I do not want to say he will cheat. Everybody here says it is highly likely.If you are judging patterns of behaviour, yes it is possible history will repeat but not a certainty. It is also possible your SO will cheat on you for the first time. There is always a first time. And anybody can cheat at any time in any relationship. Period.You know if he will cheat or not. Your gut will tell you. And you will know if something is off.Either you make the best of what you have and trust him or you bail out now.Relationships are about trust, even the illicit variety.Does he trust you?After all, mistresses can also cheat. They can also lie. They can also leave for a man who can offer them much more in the long run. Do you think he is not aware of this? You are free to do as you wish. You owe him nothing. He knows you are a free agent. More so than he is. Why give him all the power? You have the power lady. Do you even know it?Why don't you start dating other men? Maybe you will like someone better. And it will be much easier to leave the MM behind.You will not get a commitment from him. But that does not mean he will have a string of mistresses at his beck and call. Not all men cheat continuously. Some do form an emotional bond with their mistress and are satisfied with her only. She meets all his needs and goes along with his demands therefore if it ain't broke why would you need to fix it?One mistress is enough for many men. One woman is hard enough to handle sans a wife.If he is smart he will realize that the margin for error and getting caught increases with every woman that enters the picture. So he will not take unnecessary risks. Would he risk you finding out and going berserk and telling the wife? I highly doubt it. Men like this are thinkers. They are careful. He has a good thing going. He is not going to jeopardize it.So maybe this will help you feel safer?If he would cheat, it would most likely be after and if he leaves his wife and marries you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2014): "My question is how do I continue with this relationship when I have periods of doubt creeping in around his ability to be faithful to me?"
It would appear that you can't given that you have every reason to doubt his ability to be faithful to you. Any man who is capable of cheating on his wife is capable of cheating on his mistress.
"He swears he is and has been."
Any man who is capable of lying to his wife is capable of lying to on his mistress.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (15 November 2014):
 I don't know if he talked about divorce or had you demanded more than just being a mistress.
You are thinking far ahead. Okay I get that he can be in a sexless, roommate situation with his wife. He is staying for the kids and for health insurance. You are more than just sex, there is fondness too . . . You are filling the emotional and passionate aspect that's missing in his marriage. The arrangement works because he gets both the stability of the marriage institution and the excitement part.
Are you worried to go into a relationship if he divorces his wife? Or are you worried that he would replace you with another mistress?
You can call what you have whatever you want. Not all mistresses are just a piece of meat I get that. However I myself can't call it a relationship and pretend his wife doesn't exist.
If you are settling with this arrangement then I am afraid "keeping do what you are doing" means hush hush keep being a secret and don't demand him to divorce his wife. Because, if you satisfy the friendship part and the sex part while his wife does neither, then he has reason to divorce her and be with you. If he has not divorced her by now, it's because he is content with this arrangement of having the cake and eating it too. A married man would go for another mistress not because you are not exciting enough, but because the affair has become tension filled and you are asking for too much.
Why not worry if he is enough for you? Being faithful through sickness and health has to do with moral integrity. If a man wants to cheat, no perfect woman can stop him.
Even if a married man is very happy with an affair, I myself can't enjoy it. I don't know how mistresses do it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 November 2014):
 "My question is how do I continue with this relationship when I have periods of doubt creeping in around his ability to be faithful to me?"
"He has done nothing concrete to prove he is unfaithful"
Yes, he has, which is probably where your fear and doubt comes from. Which I would see as only natural, humans in general do not like to place bets they are likely to lose, or invest in business that has shown to not be profitable. Because doing so goes against our common sense. So when asked to place such bets, or invest in the things are uncertain (or has proven to not be good investments), we tend to hesitate. The end goal better be worth the jeopardy.
Your last boyfriend cheated on you, so that also comes into play. Your experience with men isn't a good one, at least not these two last times. The only difference between your ex and your new man is that you know about your new mans other woman, whereas in your last relationship you didn't. Maybe that makes you feel safer, somehow. Yet you realize, you do not feel any safer.
I think you need to stop defending this relationship of yours and see it for what it really is, and ask yourself if this is what you want. If you want a secure relationship with a man you can absolute trust with, the solution will never be to start an affair, or otherwise get involved with a known cheater. You know this. You're on here being insecure because you probably have good reasons to be. You're seeing a married ma, it sort of speaks for itself without me needing to comment on it further.
Just ask yourself what you truly want, and if this is it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2014): If you want to enjoy the relationship you have to stop thinking. Just live for the stolen moments and the occasional weekend s. Stop thinking and just be happy to meet h when he can sneak away. Don't feel bad if he spots someone he knows and he has to hide you. Don't worry about him not being there to hold your hand when you're sick. Don't think about all that you could have and just tell yourself that he is the best you can do. Simply tell yourself that no man will ever be happy to be ONLY yours. Don't think about whether he has sex with his wife and lies to you that she's a cold b***. Accept it when he tells you they only share a bed. Think nothing of the way they still run a home together. Believe him when he says he loves you only and that he's only pretending when he's around her. Don't worry that if he's such a good actor he could be acting around you too. Just don't think. If he says jump, ask him how high because love that's what you do when you are in love, right? You follow your feelings. But don't follow the bad feelings like distrust and insecurity and inadequacy. Ignore those feelings and pretend what you have is enough. This is the best answer your question of how to be happy and relax in your relationship with out the constant doubt and fears.There's only one problem though. You are on this site asking how to stop thinking rationally and how to ignore your intuition. The problem is that YOU ARE a THINKING ARTICULATE WOMAN WHO HAS MADE SOMETHING of herself professionally.A part if you does realise that this would be fairy tale is not all glossy. If it was, you wouldn't be here.I won't tell you to leave him. I'm sure these doubts will eventually lead you down that path anyway. You say you are in your honeymoon period but you have posted several times asking for help in feeling secure in the relationship. I know that not everyone is the same but to give you an idea of what's possible ; 7 years into my relationship we are still in the honeymoon period, we've spent almost every night together and rush home after work to cook and eat together. He's mine and I'm his. I don't feel insecure. That is also possible for you. Do what makes you happy. But don't set the bar too low of what happy means. By choosing this relationship, you are saying to yourself that this is the most you can aspire to in love.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (15 November 2014):
 Perhaps it would help to clarify some of the details in your query. To wit:
1. "He cares about me." No. He doesn't.
2. " It is more than sex." Not for him, it isn't.....
3. "Neither does he." Yes. He does. Sorry.....
4. "...I must reiterate that we have an emotional involvement." You do; he doesn't.
5. "He is transparent in all he does." Certainly... enough so to send you (keep you) off his trail....
6. "He has done nothing concrete to prove he is unfaithful." You will search long and far to find a guy who broadcasts his infidelities......
7. "I asked him how I can stop him from ever being unfaithful to me someday. He said to just keep doing what I am doing." "Someday????" He's being unfaithful to you EVERY DAY.... when he returns "home" to his wife and kids.
8. "I want to know how I proceed and continue to enjoy our relationship... because he is married." Unfortunately, you can only accomplish this by acknowledging that you are - indeed - his "bit on the side".... and you can only continue - and enjoy - this relationship as long as you can keep your soul and self-respect at-bay.....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, thisgirldances +, writes (15 November 2014):
thisgirldances is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi ladies. The ONLY condition of my being with him is that I am his ONLY mistress. I have made this clear since day one and time and time again ever since. He agreed to this condition. Maintains he has never broken this condition. In fact it was he who asked me to be exclusive with him... outside of his wife... whom he said stopped having sex with him five years ago.I have told him several times that I will NOT and CANNOT continue being with him IF he is dabbling with another or others. I have made this crystal clear over and over again. I told him that yes, I have feelings and yes, I care but I will not stay with him if he is screwing others too. I told him I just can't do it. I need to be the only one. I even told him to come clean if he is cheating or plans to cheat, to just tell me. AND LET ME GO. I do not want to be one of many. He continues to insist I am the only one. All he wants and needs. He says I am the best and cannot be replaced. He says I am the only one who can satisfy him to this level. Nobody else compares. He says nobody else can do what I do. He insists as well I am imagining it. Blowing it all out of proportion. Making stuff up and worrying for nothing. He hopes I will learn to trust him.I said if he wants the option of others at some point, if not now, we should change this to an OPEN relationship. And this would mean I too am open to explore other options if I choose. Date other men. I should be afforded the SAME opportunities as him... But of course he will have none of it. He says NO WAY. It's just US. And then goes to say how I will never find anyone better than him. That he is the ONLY one for me. According to him, no other man would be able to satisfy me because they would not know what to do. They would not be able to perform like he does for me. All his assertion... Really? So there is no other man on earth who would know how to satisfy me??? Hmmmm. No other man on earth who knows what to do to please me?? Hmmm again.It is hard cause as women our hearts get roped in. It was never just sex for me. I had feelings for him from the start and the feelings led me down this path. Not recreational sex. I guess we all hope that it will turn into something more... the fairy tale ending.I have fun with him and we have so much fun together. Like no other... ever. We are incredible together. We just work. We click. We connect. We combust. That kind of chemistry is rare. And that kind of chemistry is what makes it so hard to walk away. Certainly all you know what I mean.Just worried about being destroyed. Don't want to be. Don't deserve to be. I have sacrificed so much for him. And he is way older. And he ain't all that physically. What he is... is a charmer. He is very, very lucky to have a woman like me. He knows it. But he is still keeping me on the side, which worries me to no end. You know when I first saw him, all I saw was this chubby little old guy. When he first saw me, he saw a gorgeous, sexy young woman. And he did his best to show me his interest. And I fell for it. He threw his hook out and I bit. Although he was very coy and careful about it. Not overt. But after I started to talk to him and get to know him, my attraction started. Because it was not physical to begin with. For him it was. Then it became physical. Now he says I am his best female friend and he confides me in and we have an amazing connection. It is all so sad. That it has to be this way. Because the feelings are genuine. They are real. And I wish we had a chance to start on even footing, without the lies, without the doubts. We could have made a great couple. A great, legitimate couple.I suspect I saw him as the perfect man, maybe the man I wanted him to be... but as time goes on, I am starting to see a con artist. Somebody who sold me the fantasy. Who is trying his best to keep me hooked. Who is continuing to feed me my drug of choice so that I stay addicted to him. And he continues to have me when he wants me. I am not sure I am his only stash, but I am very sure I am his favourite.So sad. So very sad. Was really hoping for that white picket fence but a girl who dreams is the one whose heart is always destroyed in the end. What a beautiful heart it is. You see, I think I have the Florence Nightingale syndrome. I see the little boy inside him that needs to be saved. So I love him and love him more, more than ever thought I could. Give. Give more. Understand. Understand more. How much more can I give? Without realizing that I am destroying myself?
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (15 November 2014):
 It is simple give him an ultimatum that its you or the wife. You will have your answer what you mean to him and how loyal he is to you. No excuse, kids. money, family - its all a load of BS. He will not be the first man to divorce and certainly not the last. If he really loves you and want to be with you then why is he still with the wife? You insecurity has a lot do with what if he tires of you and want to become a good faithful husband. You are the mistress and becomes easy to discard. Hence your insecurity. Let this relationship go, 10 ten years from now you will be still wondering where you stand!
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (15 November 2014):
What are you being so clingy and insecure for? He isn't even "your" man. He belongs to another woman, not you. You've got no business insisting he be faithful to you when you agreed to be his mistress.
Oh, and those awful feelings of worry and jealousy? What his poor wife is going through are probably ten times worse. I know, I know. You've already made it clear that you don't care. But you can't expect him to live by a higher moral code when yours is so low.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2014): I am the OP.
In addition to my last comment... I don't think any of you knows how hard this is for me.
I did not expect compassion. I was hoping though.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (15 November 2014):
I dont really know how any of us on here can help you or comfort you. The mere fact that your boyfriend is married immediately cancels him being faithful. He's cheating on you with his wife and cheating with his wife to be with you. So how can he be faithful? If you mean just faithful to you and not including the wife..you can't be sure. You'll never be sure because again...he's married. There will always be that doubt, won't there? You went from a cheater straight into the arms of another cheater. Have you ever asked yourself why?? I'm afraid you'll always have doubts and I don't think anything he says or does short of a divorce will make those doubts go away. You're not in a good place honey and none of us can help you. Ask yourself why you want to be with someone who really and truly can't give completely of themself? Don't you deserve to be number 1??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2014): You Wish... How DO YOU KNOW she will be replaced???, and you have a time frame too??? WOWEEEE!!!!Do you know this for sure?Not EVERYONE is the same!!!!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 November 2014):
 If your last boyfriend cheated on you, why on earth would you be with a married man, who by all the laws of nature CANNOT be your boyfriend in any sort of way except secret on the side??
You are with a cheater. Being an accomplice to cheating means there can never be trust. He can't be faithful because he isn't faithful. He can easily hide anything from you because of how accomplished he's been able to with the woman he lives with as man and wife.
Being with a married man when you have trust issues is like being afraid of fire and then taking a shower in gasoline while smoking a cigar. It's not a matter of if. It's all a matter of "when". You've been with him for a year and a half??? Don't "relationships" progress? Why hasn't he left his wife for you yet??
Because he won't, and you will very soon be replaced.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv +, writes (15 November 2014):
I get it, you love him. I'm not going to say stay or go. But your question is kinda' silly. Let's switch this for a minute. You and he are together sexually and mentally... don't you think he is with his wife the same way? Is that not "cheating" on you?
Seriously, I'm not trying to be a smart ass but he already is. You do not have him completely. You have a piece of him. You don't get all of him. You are just going to have to love what you got.
Best Wishes to you and your man.
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