A
male
age
36-40,
*owdee
writes:we have been going through a rocky patch for the last 3 weeks. my girlfriend called me friday night and appolagised for breaking up with me,she said that she had kissed another guy she had feelings for she said that she was sorry and had to tell me and asked me back and to stay.i have stayed with her the entire weekend and sat in as she doesnt want to go out. i have bought her flowers and treated her to some of the things she likes.she is very depressed she says that she cares for me but she alo cares for the other person, she said i have nothing to worry about as she chose me but has since said that what if we are not meant to be? she hasnt told the other guy that we are back together as she doesnt want to hurt his feelings, there isnt much i can say as i am standing on egg shells. we have been together for 10 years and i havent been the best boyfriend.i am trying my best to cheer her up and have tried to get her out somewhere for some fresh air (safari shopping etc etc.....)but she doesnt want to go, and actually gets quite angry for me trying. what can i do to cheer her up?i just dont want to lose her, i love her to much she is my soulmate! i just hope i am hers! help please any suggestions will be well appreciated!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2013): I have been through this. My now ex liked another guy 2 years into our relationship (which lasted 4,5 years).She had kissed him, swore nothing more happened when I asked and told me immediately after it happened.I dumped her, the other guy was waiting with open arms to calm her down. She was a totally different person within 24 hours.I stayed up all night trying to think of a way to get her back. Because I decided I wouldn't let this other guy 'win'. Eventually I asked her out for a drink and basically showed her I cared by doing romantic stuff. She came back and we lasted another 2,5 years. Until she asked me if she could hang out with a guy 11 years older 'as friends' whom she just met, to have a drink after work with.I dumped her, same thing happened she ran towards the other guy. It has been over for 6 months and she gives me the silent treatment, even though I want her back.---------------------------------------------------Moral of the story, do not dump her, she will run towards the other guy. I think if you give her space like the others suggest she will also just go to the other guy for comfort.He will be laughing his ass off.Keep her around, just make her happy by doing something romantic. And DEMAND her to cut all contact with this guy, it's what I also did. Good luck.
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (20 May 2013):
 This is going to sound weird but you are being too 'nice' to her and its not helping, its actually making things worse. Rolling over and accepting that she cheated on you and that everything is 'ok' is making you seem weak and less of a man to her.
Women want their man to be a MAN. Not a doormat, not a weak pathetic person who allows their girlfriend to walk all over them. She CHEATED. She has FEELINGS FOR ANOTHER MAN. This situation is not ok, you shouldnt be ok with it just because you were a bad boyfriend in the past. If you act like its ok and try and be extra nice to her to try and won her over, you are actually just going to push her away.
She needs time, and preferably time alone to be honest. She doesnt know who she wants - you or this other man. No amount of gifts, shopping and flowers is going to make her choose you, she will only choose the person she has the strongest feelings for. You cannot buy her love, that is not going to work.
So be a man, tell her you are incredibly hurt by all of this but still love her and want it to work between you. Tell her you are going to give her 2 weeks where you dont contact her at all, and she can use that time to sort her head out. You need to show her now that you are strong, that you understand what is best for her and your relationship, and you are going to give her space rather than pandering to her and being a girl about it all.
Yes it will be hard to have 2 weeks away from her, I know you dont want to lose her but she is 50% gone anyway, so giving her space cant make it any worse. She wont be able to think with you trying to cheer her up all the time and being super nice, she will be feeling so guilty about what she has done when you are being so nice that she cant think about anything else other than how bad she feels.
Wallowing in her own misery and self-pity is not helping either of you, but if you keep being nice to her all she's going to do is feel worse and worse. Be strong and decisive, give her time away from you to think and sort herself out - fingers crossed by the end of it she will know who she wants. But ask her out of courtesy to you and your relationship not to speak to the other guy as well because you want her to be alone to think, rather than using it as an opportunity to get close to another man. Tell her you still want to be with her so you would hope that she respects this and doesnt hang out with another guy behind your back while you are having this 2 week break.
There are no guarantees at the end of the 2 weeks that she will choose you, but equally she is only going to get more depressed if you keep on being super nice to her so it will only get worse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2013): First thing to say is I'm sorry for what you're going through.
You hint at not having been the best boyfriend which is why you feel partly responsible for what's happened. Did you change your ways before the kiss or after the kiss? This is quite important because after 10 years, she's seen you at your best and at your worst. If you hadn't already started showing improvement prior to the other guy entering the picture, then I'm afraid It's a little too late.
At this point, you need to give her space to figure out whether she still wants to be with you. She needs to decide where she stands with you before deciding about the other guy.
Good luck
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