A
female
age
30-35,
*avesearcher
writes:My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship now because he is from the UK and I am from North America and I have to finish university until December, then we can be together. We have been dating for about a year and a half now and have done long distance for about 4 months while I was in uni last year for fall semester. However, when we first started dating we had a problem about his ex girlfriend who he seemed to pine over for 3 years and told me all about it. After long arguments about his ex he finally cut contacts from her and all was ok. However a few weeks ago when I was visiting him in the uk I had to text a friend on his phone and I admit, I opened a text message he hadn't sent which was a long poem which I thought was supposed to be for her. I was shocked because it had been over 6 months since the ex issue had come up! Silly me, the text was actually meant for me, and I had jumped to the wrong conclusion. I told him that I didn't think this is even happening when I found the text! And he said of course it's not, I wrote that about you!!HOWEVER, I did a childish thing in my anger and deleted her number off his phone that day about a month ago. Why he had it i don't know because he said he would cut all ties for us (I said that's not necessary, I wouldnt make someone do that .. .etc). We were on the phone yesterday and had a bit of a tif because I want to go visit him at the end of summer but he says that will stress him out (he may need to get knee surgery, he can't exactly walk 100% easily without crutches), yet we just spent 3 weeks together. I get it.. kinda. But that caused a small argument and then he mentioned he noticed that I deleted a number off his phone. His phone has many numbers. He's not dumb but I feel he would have only noticed the number being gone if he was looking for it or maybe thinking of her. Yes I know I come off as sounding jealous, and I have to say I am a little jealous. I don't want him to know that. What do you guys think is going on??I don't want to wait til christmas comes to visit him. I don't know why he is acting like this. :(
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2013): Yes deleting the number isn't cool girl. But maybe he is making you feel insecure? I know long distance is very unsettling at times and that would make me a bit insecure. If he's still keeping you around and you him, then obviously you guys want to make it work! Talk to him girl! It sounds like you care about him very much and I just see a girl who needs to be treated well here. Because something drove you to look in his phone at that message. Maybe he's never sent you nice messages like that before? I'd hope he would, because you deserve it! Make it up to him and just try to act cool. He seems like he was being funny about you coming over again before the number thing happened? Maybe he just never mentioned it before and didnt tell u he knew. Who knows! But the latter would make sense.But maybe take the relationship in your own hands and think about what happens if he will ask you to come and stay or not. Time is precious together in long distance and I would take as much as I can get with my love! But darling, learn to love yourself first. You deserve it. Everyone on this site is posting and acting like a saint which I definitely know isn't true about anyone! Gosh give this girl a break! She loves this guy but did something stupid she said that she was jealous and a bit insecure! She needs to work on that and maybe he isn't helping. No one is perfect. If u share a relationship he should have deleted that number ages ago. On his own will, for YOU. I would have! Good luck all u can do is be nice and apologize. If it doesn't work out, it wasn't meant to be :( but I hope it does! You are obviously strong enough to do long distance. Everyone who said you aren't obviously didn't read this. He can be mad, but if he doesn't get over it then he's not working for it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2013): I can tell you from experience that someone went into my address book and ripped out my ex-boyfriend's number and I was angry, not because I was still in-love with him, but because of the times that I had shared with him that were good fond memories I made with him, and because of the bad times he had helped me through in life. I felt so violated, I was not in contact with him, but I was not ready to move on from that link to those good memories, and I can tell you that the boyfriend that did that to me, did not last long. I felt his insecurity, jealousy and arrogance thinking that he somehow had the right to make that decision on my behalf (rather than talking to me about it), simply because I chose to share my life with him showed me that he not only didn't trust me but that he had no respect for me either. I did try to work on it, but my trust in him was destroyed and I left him. Be prepared that you may have just killed your relationship with your LDR, you had no right to do what you did, and he has every right to break up with you if he choses. Learn from this experience and realise that being in a relationship does not mean you have any right to invade his privacy, or make his decisions for him, it means he has chosen to share his life with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2013): Thanks for your insights. I know it was a terrible thing to do. The fact that I'm even posting on this site is a bad sign! But you know I think posting has helped me. One by more of an understanding of my insecurities and also of the fact that I may not be ready for this long distance relationship. Wise owl.. Thanks, but I admit your words are very harsh. I know how I should feel and I already know that I feel remorseful and stupid and childish and how I invaded his privacy! Terrible I would be acting funny to me as well. But I want to make this work with him. Because I don't want to lose one of the best things that's ever happened to me. But although I think I am not strong enough sometimes, like you may think, I know I will do anything to make us work. I did long distance with him before. And I will go back at Christmas I hope and walk into loving arms, I hope. I am only human. I can only try. I miss him with all my heart.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (20 May 2013):
 Hi
You shouldn't have deleted her number no, its his phone his contact
However the fact he noticed,had looked for her number plus he doesn't want you over visiting the end of summer and the poem.. suggests all is not well with you and him
You need to talk, not accuse and get some answers about where he is at and what he wants for the future
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2013): You had no right to remove or delete any numbers from his phone; regardless of what you may believe to the reasons he has them.That was invasive and motivated by jealousy. Although it's a small thing, it was malicious. Karma taught you a valuable lesson; the poem thought to be for her was for you. The damage is done.Long distance relationships carry less value than those held together by local connection. They are risky and too many factors can interfere to bring them to abrupt closure. Such as your incident with snooping on his phone. You can't trust someone who lives continents away, it's hard enough when he's in the next room.You showed him you do not trust him after a year and a half and miles of travel to carry on a relationship. He has no idea what you're doing on your end; so he had to trust you.You let jealousy overcome your better judgement, and did something that hurt him. He held on to the number; because he had fond memories of someone that was once a part of his life. Yet he also maintains a relationship with a woman a continent away, as flimsy as such a thing can be. We move on when we are ready, not when it is decided for us. Your apology is somewhat hollow in the fact that you can't undo what you've done. You allowed jealousy to corrode your trust for him; thereby destroying his trust for you. Guess we can call it even.You have a rocky road ahead of you. Your LDR was already on shaky ground due to distance, expense, and the odds against the relationship surviving time. You may not like what you find when you return for Christmas. So you may as well prepare yourself for the possible breakup.You are not strong enough to survive a long-distance relationship; and shouldn't put yourself through it in the first place.
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