A
male
age
36-40,
*ower56
writes:Hi AllMy girlfriend of 3 years cheated on me in december with somebody from work. As you can understand i was pretty shocked by this and am still hurting now. I asked her why she did this and she said that she didnt know why. I asked her if there was anything wrong in our relationship and she said that there wasnt so im having trouble understanding why she has done it. We are still together but im having a tough time of it getting backing to normal because she carries on as if nothing happened.Thanks Guys
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female
reader, wanwanzhong +, writes (20 April 2013):
tmisty777:OMG!I hope teenagers didn't see your post or else they would think cheating on their partners is acceptable and can be justified!Please stop misleading the young generation!!You cheated on your boyfriend and you hurt him so bad but now you still put the blame on him?!WTF?!To be honest,I feel so sorry for your boyfriend and I think he can do better!"once a cheater always a cheater"---This is true!Can you swear that you will never cheat on your boyfriend again after a few years,10 years or 20 years?"He is so controlling now that I'm getting so upset that I'm about to just break up"-----He is so controlling?Please think about what you did to him in the first place?You deserve it! Yes,please break up with him.For the sake of his happiness,please do him a big favour by breaking up with him.So he can find a new girl who treats him right and shows him respect."because I love him soooo much!"---No,you don't.You've never loved him.If you loved him,you wouldn't have cheated on him.Full stop."No trust in a relationship equls no love"---What?You're the one who cheated on him and now you blame him for not trusting you?!"treating her ike she is is going to ruin the relationship"---You're the one who tried to ruin the relationship first by cheating on him."but I can't stand the controlling atribute"---If you can't stand it anymore,why don't you just break up with him right now?Anyway,please stop moaning and get over yourself.I say this for your own good :)
A
female
reader, tmisty777  +, writes (11 June 2010):
 I cheated on my boyfriend, almost the same asyou have, and he found out months after I did it. I must admit that we had'nt been together for three years, or even one in fact, and my love for him wasn't as strong as it had been before he found out. He found out after I had commited the adultry and our relationship was going so good until then, and now our relationship is so rocky that I can barely handle it! No one should "control" a relationship, you guys SHARE it! I hurt him so bad and I admit that I was wrong, I would take eveything back! I havent even been getting thoughts about cheatng on him again, it's not true that once a cheater always a cheater- that thought keeps relationships like this from working out! He is so controlling now that I'm getting so upset that I'm about to just break up- I just can't because I love him soooo much! No trust in a relationship equls no love- even though the girl might not be doing anything anymore, treating her ike she is is going to ruin the relationship. I can't see myself with anyone else, but I can't stand the controlling atribute. He says that I made him that way. He will never trust me and will always bring it up- I'm not going to deal with that anymore. Now I feel like I have to fight even thoughI'm doing nothing wrong. A relationship will NOT work out if they dont get over it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008): If she told you about it first I say try to work it out. But if its like you found out and then she confessed then get your payback.
I mean just pack your shit and leave dont say anything to her [because she'll really think your a pushover] and dont call her for about 3 months. If she calls before then just be brief with her and always make her do all the talking. When she asks why your not talking say "im busy i'll call you back". Dont call back because you now control the relationship. After time you'll care less and less about her and believe its alot of females who have been cheated on and once you tell them your story they will open up to you. Good Luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008): Hi There.
I know its been a few months now since your post but i can sympathise with your situation and offer some advice.
Basically (without knowing all the details) your girlfriend seems to be an un stable person which is something she will need to deal with and perhaps with your ade. Fair play for staying with her because most guys would have left there and then but you've made your decision and it shows you want to work at the relationship which means you care about her.
Women are very different to each other and very similar in other ways and it sounds like she doesnt really know who or what she wants, the relationship is being held together by you and its pretty much up to you how far it goes.
Sorry friend but i always say once a cheat always a cheat and although the truth may hurt and you work hard at the relationship your feeling confused about it because you havent had answers and your not sure you trust her and thats what this is all about, trust. Without it the basic foundations of the relationship break down.
I hope this helps but what you really need are answers from her. Be strong, demand them she owes you that much and if you dont get them then move on.
Plenty more fish in the sea and there are many women that would kill for a guy who actually gives a shit about them.
Good luckk
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): I feel for you man, that shit is rough...my girl did almost exactly the same thing to me a few months ago and I'm still not over it. I doubt I will ever truly be...to use the words of someone else in this thread, it's "eating at my soul."
We've sort of kept it together but obviously we haven't got the spark back or anything. It's just ridiculously hard because I've had to face a lot of hard truths about her that I was willing to overlook for the four years we'd been together. But of course I thought "it would never happen to me" and all that. Looking back, I still would never peg my girlfriend to be the cheating type...she's a quiet introvert who avoids people and is scared of most men because of past issues she had as a kid. But hey, go figure...you never can "call it."
In all the reading and talking I've been doing, trying to cope, it's crazy because, anecdotally, I'm seeing a lot more guys getting cheated on and being so emotionally distraught over it, it's clear they really loved their partners and went out of their way to treat them right and make them feel loved and they still got f-ed over. So I've unfortunately come out of this experience with a lot of cynicism about relationships and women in general...even though I try not to. I also believe that old stereotype about men "cheating more" and being so driven to have affairs is a load of horsespit as well.
But anyways man, just take some time to yourself and really assess the situation and your feelings. You probably won't have some kind of epiphany but at least you will gain some perspective. It's been almost five months for me now and I'm still in limbo. Obviously you care about and love this person more than life itself, but she's a fucking snake who did you wrong. You want to take her back and give it another go but trust has been destroyed, your faith shaken, etc. etc.
At least for the both of us our girls fessed up and were willing to recognize the error of their ways and "repent" a little, and that helps I guess, but it doesn't change anything. You can never look at the person you loved the same way again...it's a real heartbreak. My girl is trying the same "forget all about it, please don't keep brining it up" method of coping, which is hard because I'm a talker and a communicator, resolver-of-issues type.
So you will probably go through all these stages in some form as well and likely not come to any concrete conclusion either. It sounds sad but even after all the pain and revelations I've been through, I still can't bring myself to leave her...yet. So I'm riding this one out, we both are...we both care about each other in some way, enough not to want to get rid of each other. But it doesn't help that there's this pain between us festering the whole time.
Thus, my advice is to take your time, don't do anything brash or sudden, and really just let some time pass and reflect along the way. You will eventually arrive at some kind of decision you are comfortable with. I feel that some time when I am ready I may let go, but that's after a lot of thought and contemplation. So just take it easy, put things in perspective, and ask yourself what really works for you, what you really want, and what you will be able to cope with and be comfortable with.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2008): Get the hell out of this relationship.Don't try to figure it out. The only really important thing to figure out is that she doesn't really see anything wrong with this and it won't be the last time. You can leave her now, or you can wait until you've invested several more years of your life into her and she's cheated a few more times.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2008): funny enough I'm in a situation to yours, I've been with my girlfriend for 2 years and only a few weeks ago she cheated on me. I had to find out about it myself which was painful, but after finding out we gave each other space. I'm back with her now but just recently found out she is meeting another guy, so all I can say is once you have been cheated on it's best you walk away. I know it's hard but your just going to get walked on.
I understand my girls situation that I am her first proper boyfriend so she does not know what she wants, but it's a strange one as she kind of wants to drag me in with her finding out what she wants and keep me as a boyfriend or close by which is bad. You just need a total cut off and give some real space or find someone more worth your time.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2008): my girlfriend of almost five years cheated on me. I wanted to work things out. I got away from her and took a long break and did some life inventory.
There is no excuse for what she did. If you were good to her, than you deserve better. I left my girlfriend and met someone a few months later that made my last relationship feel completely one sided and unfulfilling.
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A
male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (4 January 2008):
Welcome to the big sad family of "cheated on".My girlfriend(or ex) also says she doesn't know why she cheated on me.I wish i could talk to that female anon who cheated and learn abit more about a woman's brain.Atleast she's willing to continue with the relationship,so it's really up to you.Imagine she tried breaking up with you,how would you feel? You really need to sit down and think if you can handle images of her sleeping with another man,in your head.If you can't get over them,it means you'll never trust her but if you can there's hope for your relationship.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008): I'm in the exact same situation as you except I'm the one who cheated on my boyfriend of 3 years. I don't exactly know why I did it. It started so quickly. I think it's because I'm scared not knowing what else is out there? Staying with one person forever is hard to do. I don't even know if I love him. I don't really have anything else to compare it to. If she's anything like me then I really don't think she did it to hurt you, it's just hard to give any reasons why because there isn't any definite reasons. I'm sorry she made you hurt. But we are all young, maybe too young? Maybe you need to take a break? Clear your head and come up with a solution
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008): Cheating is a conscious, delibrate choice and it always was and that choice is a lack of control over one's actions. So...I feel that when anyone cheats, there simply has to be a big empty 'disconnect' in their love, emotions and committment.. I would also highly question their good, moral character foundations. How does a person have a sexual liaison with some other person and then just act like it never happened? And to not even give you an answer as to why she did it? It sounds like she doesn't care. All the while this incident erodes your spirit and you self-worth. No one should ever be allowed to do this to another. Honoring commitment to a loved one, in the first place, and never allowing infidelity to occur, is a test of one loyalty and devotion. You gf failed this test...badly. What she's forgetting most, is you, the betrayed partner has now seen a portion of the her character that is truly questionable. Frankly, I know why I wouldn't take a cheating person back...because of how that one act of betrayal would empty me and numb me, as a person. To continue loving someone who cheated, would cause me to hate myself for tolerating such a thing and quite honestly, that's too big of a price to pay, to someone who thought absolutely 'nothing' of me, to do this in the first place. So...you need to know need to know, you not only deserved to be honored and treated much, much better-you need to know that you can do better.
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A
female
reader, Fairy_Lu +, writes (3 January 2008):
 Im sorry this happend but well done for tryng again and trying to sort this out,maybe she was just unhappy about something and it was spare of the moment, maybe she wanted to test you, maybe she thought things were going to well and wanted to shake thngs up, maybe she wanted to see if there was something better out there, who knows maybe she doesnt know herself but it happend and im sure she regrets it, BUT this could be a HUGE test and maybe she did it to see how you would react and whether you would take her back and if so maybe she thinks if she does it again you will always take her back (its unlikely that this is a test but its not impossible), if she is acting like nothing happend then thats her way of coping with her shame she just wants to be normal because she regrets it, you can either sit and talk to her, carry on with your relationship like nothing happen or re evaluate your relationship and see if you can forgive her or trust her remeber your still young and you dont want to live with regrets
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A
male
reader, Dr Vendetta +, writes (3 January 2008):
 don't think you will get back to normal.
thats a big betrayal of trust and i feel for you. i really do.
sometimes. people just f**k up.
theres an old saying.
" don't tempt fate, as fate doesn't like to be tempted."
was she at least sorry or remorseful for what she did?
3 years is along time. is this something you can get over? or is this going to eat your soul.
this is really left up to you and only one thing that you need to decide on.
Do you trust her.
once you get your answer you'll know what is best to do from there. But don't be a chump.
don't let this happen again.
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A
female
reader, mama2three +, writes (3 January 2008):
 Wow, that's tough. I'm sorry that she cheated on you :(
You both need to be as open as possible about this and figure out what you want to do with the relationship. Some people would say drop her like a hot potato so she won't hurt you again, but if you find it in your heart to forgive her, and I mean TRULY forgive her, then good for you!
Sometimes, I know it's crazy, but there are NO reasons why something like this happened. She may have been caught up in the moment and the idea that another man was sexually attracted to her was a HUGE ego boost...or maybe she's got a self-destructive personality and subconsiously tried to ruin something perfectly perfect? People DO do that, and it's strange, I mean, why would you want to go and mess something up that could be the best thing in your life?
Sometimes there are no explanations. But, for the sake of the relationship, be as open as possible about it. If you feel that you can no longer trust her, I know it's hard, but you really need to move on. If there is NO hope of her rebuilding your trust, you need to find someone else.
It would bother me a bit because she's carrying on as if nothing happened, but that could be her way of dealing with it. However, if when you found out she acted like she didn't give a crap, then there's something wrong and you need to go your seperate ways, because that's just weird, shows that she has no remorse for what she did.
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