A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend broke up with me a few weeks back but couldn't give me a reason for wanting out. We have been in a gay relationship together for 5 years with many ups and downs and this was just another time of her saying she didn't want the relationship anymore. This time, I was distant and didn't ask her to reconsider yet we still remained close, seeing one another and sleeping together. We had a conversation recently about there being someone else as my friend had commented she may be cheating on me, I was sure she wasn't and she agreed. Since, I have found out she had been messaging an ex girlfriend of hers flirtatious messages, admittedly the ex was always the one that made contact as she is unhappy and confused in her relationship but seems to have take a shine to my kind of ex/kind of not. There were messages from my ex complementing how beautiful this woman looked and saying she wished they could disappear together (not that she says either to me or ever has done) but now I have found out she says we were going through a bad patch and didn't meant it. She swears it wont happen again, she loves and wants me and wanted and thought we were going to get back together - so why say things to another woman if that was the case? She now says the ball is in my court but I have no idea what to do, think, say...I am just hurt as to me this is a form of cheating - but then we weren't together even though actions were saying we very much were.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2017): Once you've absorbed most of the pain of her leaving, don't take her back only to have it happen again.She doesn't want to be with you, but she doesn't want to be alone, so since she failed to get her ex back, she's going to settle for you a while. She will leave as soon as she can find something she likes better.If you can live with that, then do it with your eyes wide open. I think you should find a relationship with somebody who wants you most, not as a last resort.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 September 2017):
 I agree with the other posters, yet, regardless of any other possible consideration about trust, emotional affairs etc., I would just focus on what you say in your second sentence.
In 5 years you have had many ups and downs, and this was just another time of her saying she does not want this relationship anymore.
And ?... Are you not sick and tired of that yet ? Don't you want stability, peace of mind and the certainty ( which she can't give you ) that your love is highly valued and appreciated, and not something to be lightly toyed with and disposed of, according to her whims ?
That, even without the flirty episode with the other woman , which just underscores how on/ off your " ex but not really ex " is with you , while you are always "on " for her.
Tell her that when you pull a rope and pull and pull and pull, eventually it breaks down and it can't be mended. She pulled the rope once too many , so now she'd better learn to enjoy her new -found " freedom ".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2017): BTW, don't base decisions on technicalities.
You weren't together at the time??? What?!
Uhm...hello! She broke-up and left without an explanation. You found past love-notes and lovey-dovey text messages they exchanged.
Stop sitting on the fence. You'll get impaled!
If you do have a cat, and the cat stares at you. You know exactly what the cat is thinking.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2017): Okay, girlfriend! Are you up for this lesbian-drama?
I'm gay! Can we talk?!! Go pour yourself a glass of wine before you read this. Not if read before time to go to work!
Your girlfriend tried to see if she could pull her ex out of her so-called troubled-relationship. In gay-culture, that's being a trouble-maker. Her little plan failed! She was being all sweet and cozy. Texting each other. While hooking-up in secret. Now look at it for what it is.
She was looking for your replacement. Trying to get her sleazy-ex back. Now fastforward. Now it's your turn to be recycled?
There's your explanation. She'll settle for you for the time being.
You're not a little girl. Cheaters always swear it won't happen again. The odds highly favor it will happen again.
If you've been down this road before, with anyone else; you know exactly how these soap operas play-out.
You're Miss Stability, her ride or die, dependable when rent is due; and that reliable chick who helps pay the bills. You probably have a nice place to live, maybe a cool dog; or a snotty cat full of attitude and personality. Cat's will judge you. They will look you in the eyes, climb into your soul, and will send you a telepathic message that you're a fool. If you take her back! Dogs are very empathetic, I don't know why they call us men dogs! Dogs will let you be a fool, and lick your face for it. Best to have a dog after a breakup. Cats don't take sh*t! They stare in silence. It's unsettling.
Where was I? Oh!!!
She thinks she can go on her little fling, and pick-up where she left off with you. Oh, hell no!
She will cheat again. What do you think she'll do when she gets the news her ex and her girlfriend have finally broken-up???
Split it down the middle if you bought stuff together. Give her all her stuff back. Tell her to take her dolls and dishes, and be gone! You've got some healing to do.
Love-triangles are for daytime soap operas, romance novels, and best viewed in the front-row at the opera-house. Why do we gay people have to live through drama like it's real-life? Why do we play these ex-games???
She broke-up. Let your life settle-down; and get your groove back, sister. Tell girlfriend you're not feeling it, and you are not going to be an afterthought. Nor a THOT! Google it! Urban Dictionary definition!
I know it's a cliche; but girlfriend, you deserve better!!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 September 2017):
 It didn't work out. then you had a sort of FWB thing after, and while that was ongoing SHE was looking for someone "better" (not saying you aren't good enough - just that SHE thinks she can do better, otherwise she wouldn't be looking at other women and starting some emotional correspondence with someone else).
She wants YOU back because she HASN'T found anyone else and going back to the LAST "thing" (aka relationship) out of familiarity and convenience is a typical resort for people who have recently broken up with someone.
It doesn't seem to me (judging by your post) that you are all that enthused by the prospect of dating her again. So maybe you need to consider if this is REALLY a good idea to try again given the past.
You guys have unfinished business that should be dealt with before even considering this. Like, what was her REAL reason for the breakup? What has changed in those few weeks to change her mind to want to date? After 5 years she all of sudden didn't want a relationship?
I think if you DO take her back it will be a "waiting for the other shoe to drop" for her to either "cheat" again (or at least flirt with other women) or for her to decide that relationships aren't for her.
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