A
female
age
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anonymous
writes:At my bf’s family get-togethers, my bf’s mother would rudely tell her husband Tom to shut up if one or two words came out of his mouth. Tom is her 2nd husband and not the father of her children. I was aghast at her treatment of Tom. I think I am the only one that noticed the way Tom shrank after her hostile comments. It seems my bf’s family is so familiar with the matron treating Tom rudely, they don’t even notice how it effects him.Some time later I did talk about the matron’s behavior to my bf. I don’t think my bf thought it was a big deal. Actually he thought it funny. I knew what I had said got back to his family when at later family gathering, Tom made some comment about in appreciation of me being the only one to say something about the rude behavior. I really wasn’t too happy about my bf saying that I said something about it. It would have been better if he recognized the bullying behavior and spoke of it to his mother himself.Ever since my bf’s mother found out how I felt about her bullying, I think there has been a rift between us. Even though she is nice to me, it seems a little fake. I just get the feeling she doesn’t really like me. I’ve been to many family functions since and just try to get along. At a recent family dinner, Tom began to talk about a subject I was interested in and was quickly cut off by the matron. I spoke up and said I wanted to hear what he had to say. But, he just told me to read the book. Tom just tries to keep the peace. He’s not about to buck the matron’s authority.I don’t think any of the family really gets how the matron’s behavior is humiliating and hurtful to Tom. What am I supposed to say or do? Anything? Nothing? Am I supposed to just keep getting along? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 September 2017):
 To be fair I would not get involved. It appears Tom and his Wife are both elderly and in that case am sure they can look after and stick up for themselves. Personally I would not get involved as it might just come in between you and your partner, you are already annoyed at him telling his family what you said, it might just make things worse in your relationship.
A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (5 September 2017):
Hello OP,
It's quite clear and evident that your BF's mother is a TOXIC PERSON, and that's why Tom is always getting the short end of the stick.
Your BF is so into that toxic environment, that he sees it normal.
What you can do, is talk with Tom when that woman is not around, and just shut when she is around.
If you want to hang along that woman, you should omit your comments, but you risk in becoming Tom 2.0 .
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2017): You're in your 50's; so I calculate your boyfriend's mother to be in her mid to late 70's. Maybe her early 80's. I take it Tom's age falls somewhere in that area. Older-people tend to discard their filters once they feel they've lived long enough. They say what's on their minds.
Mommy-Dearest has probably always been the one on the receiving-end; before she met sweet old Tom. Now she can be the boss.
It is likely Tom has been married before. He's an experienced-man, and used to bossy old-ladies. Some mature-guys like women like that. They know as they grow older, if anything happens to him; she'll likely keep kicking. He may have chosen her for her abrasive and "matron-like" qualities; because they are probably a lot like his mother's. Tom probably likes a woman full of sass.
Everyone is used to her ways, and that includes Tom. He didn't have to marry that mean old-lady; but maybe what you see is what he likes in her. It's hard to explain. Tom knows when to put her in her place. Things are not always as they appear.
You've stood up for good ole Tom; but I think it's best to let them play their roles, when you're a guest in their home. Unless she is extremely verbally-abusive, or violent. Then you should intervene. Something tells me Tom can handle her.
Now if she directs her venom at you, then you should stickup for yourself.
If Tom has something to say you'd like to hear; pull him aside and have a one on one chat. Stay neutral when Mommy-Dearest is present. You're a guest. You don't know the dynamics of their marriage. You can't stand-up for a grown-man, who can't stand-up for himself in his own marriage. Tom is old enough to know exactly what to do when he's had enough. Everyone knows that, but you.
Mommy-Dearest wears the pants; and I think Tom knew this when he married her. Good-ole Tom knows she'll probably out-live him. Then again, sense she's so full of vinegar; he'll probably outlive her. Either way, Tom will find his peace.
She's full of life and spitfire. For the time being, Tom probably yields to her bullying. He knows she's getting older. He knew who he was marrying when he married her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 September 2017):
 I think Tom is a grown man who needs to stand up for himself, that isn't your job.
You gave him a chance to do so in a way where he KNEW you had his back and he still rather suck it up. HIS choice.
NOW if she pulls that crap with you! Then you can stand up for yourself, but Tom rather not.
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